Jokes needed
A man walks up to a beautiful woman in a bar and asks her, "Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?"
The woman takes a couple of minutes and replies, "Yes, yes I would."
The man then asks the woman, "Would you sleep with me for a quarter?"
She says, "No! What do you take me for?"
To which he states, "We've already established that, now we are haggling over price."
The woman takes a couple of minutes and replies, "Yes, yes I would."
The man then asks the woman, "Would you sleep with me for a quarter?"
She says, "No! What do you take me for?"
To which he states, "We've already established that, now we are haggling over price."
[Joke best told with a brogh]
An Irishman is driving into Dublin for his St. Patrick's society meeting. It's a Saturday and the streets are packed, no parking spaces anyplace. As he circles the church for the 3rd time looking for a space, he looks heavenward.
"Lord Jesus, if you'll just find me a parking space just this once, I promise to be a good Catholic all the rest of my days."
And as he turns the corner, a parked van pulls out if its space across from the church and pulls away.
And the guy says, "Ah Lord, no need to worry. A space just opened up."
An Irishman is driving into Dublin for his St. Patrick's society meeting. It's a Saturday and the streets are packed, no parking spaces anyplace. As he circles the church for the 3rd time looking for a space, he looks heavenward.
"Lord Jesus, if you'll just find me a parking space just this once, I promise to be a good Catholic all the rest of my days."
And as he turns the corner, a parked van pulls out if its space across from the church and pulls away.
And the guy says, "Ah Lord, no need to worry. A space just opened up."
Three men were sitting together bragging about how
they had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Alabama and
bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do
all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a
couple days but on the third day he came home to a
clean house and the dishes were done.
The second man had married a woman from Florida . He
bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was
to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On
the first day he didn't see any results, but the next
day it was better. By the third day, his house was
clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner
on the table.
The third man had married a New Jersey girl. He
boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep
the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry
washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the
second day he didn't see anything but by the third day
most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a
little out of his left eye enough to fix himself a
bite to eat, load the dishwasher and telephone a
landscaper
they had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Alabama and
bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do
all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a
couple days but on the third day he came home to a
clean house and the dishes were done.
The second man had married a woman from Florida . He
bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was
to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On
the first day he didn't see any results, but the next
day it was better. By the third day, his house was
clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner
on the table.
The third man had married a New Jersey girl. He
boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep
the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry
washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the
second day he didn't see anything but by the third day
most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a
little out of his left eye enough to fix himself a
bite to eat, load the dishwasher and telephone a
landscaper
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay. "
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years,"my husband replies.
I stopped.
"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, ...and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Stupid, stupid man
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years,"my husband replies.
I stopped.
"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, ...and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Stupid, stupid man
Snow white walked up and looked herself in the mirror and asked" mirror, mirror on the wall, Who is the fairest fair of all?"
She got her answer and walked angrily out of the door yelling...
Who the hell is Flying_Char???
She got her answer and walked angrily out of the door yelling...
Who the hell is Flying_Char???
THE GOLFING NUN.......
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the f *****g putt, didn't you?"
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the f *****g putt, didn't you?"
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a
young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed,
so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a
large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could,
Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant
gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a
rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbemb was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his
teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of
the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son
were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off
the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then
trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this
was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing
and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and
stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs
and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a
young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed,
so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a
large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could,
Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant
gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a
rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbemb was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his
teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of
the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son
were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off
the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then
trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this
was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing
and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and
stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs
and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of
the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in
trench coats
exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.
It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle
yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the
road?!" asks the Officer.
"Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.
Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of
the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in
trench coats
exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.
It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle
yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the
road?!" asks the Officer.
"Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.
Finally, someone has come out with a 100% bipartisan political bumper sticker.
"RUN HILLARY RUN"
Democrats put it on the rear bumper.
Republicans put it on the front bumper.
"RUN HILLARY RUN"
Democrats put it on the rear bumper.
Republicans put it on the front bumper.
*Subject: New Bumper stickers
> *
>
> 1. Bush: End of an Error
>
>
>
> 2. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
>
>
>
> 3. Let's Fix Democracy in this Country First
>
>
>
> 4. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran
>
>
>
> 5. Bush. Like a Rock ... Only Dumber.
>
>
>
> 6. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
>
>
>
> 8. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
>
>
>
> 9. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to
> Fight
>
>
>
> 11. America : One Nation, Under Surveillance
>
>
>
> 12. They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
>
>
>
> 13. Whose God Do You Kill For?
>
>
>
> 14. Jail to the Chief
>
>
>
> 15. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq ?
>
>
> 16. Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap
>
>
>
> 17. Bad President! No Banana.
>
>
>
> 18. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
>
>
>
> 19. We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
>
>
>
> 20. Is It Vietnam Yet?
>
>
>
> 21. Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
>
>
>
> 22. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?
>
>
>
> 23. You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.
>
>
>
> 24. Dub'ya, Your Dad Should'a Pulled Out, too!
>
>
>
> 25. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
>
>
>
> 26. Pray For Impeachment
>
>
>
> 27. The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
>
>
>
> 28. What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?
>
>
>
> 29. One Nation Under Clod
>
>
>
> 30. 2004: Embarrassed, 2005: Horrified, 2006: Terrified
>
>
>
> 31. Bush Never Exhaled
>
>
>
> 32. At Least Nixon Resigned
> *
>
> 1. Bush: End of an Error
>
>
>
> 2. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
>
>
>
> 3. Let's Fix Democracy in this Country First
>
>
>
> 4. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran
>
>
>
> 5. Bush. Like a Rock ... Only Dumber.
>
>
>
> 6. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
>
>
>
> 8. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
>
>
>
> 9. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to
> Fight
>
>
>
> 11. America : One Nation, Under Surveillance
>
>
>
> 12. They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
>
>
>
> 13. Whose God Do You Kill For?
>
>
>
> 14. Jail to the Chief
>
>
>
> 15. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq ?
>
>
> 16. Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap
>
>
>
> 17. Bad President! No Banana.
>
>
>
> 18. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
>
>
>
> 19. We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
>
>
>
> 20. Is It Vietnam Yet?
>
>
>
> 21. Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
>
>
>
> 22. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?
>
>
>
> 23. You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.
>
>
>
> 24. Dub'ya, Your Dad Should'a Pulled Out, too!
>
>
>
> 25. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
>
>
>
> 26. Pray For Impeachment
>
>
>
> 27. The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
>
>
>
> 28. What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?
>
>
>
> 29. One Nation Under Clod
>
>
>
> 30. 2004: Embarrassed, 2005: Horrified, 2006: Terrified
>
>
>
> 31. Bush Never Exhaled
>
>
>
> 32. At Least Nixon Resigned
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way, "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way, "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
Old guy sits down with his doctor after his test results come back. The doctor explains he has some bad news and some really bad news. The old guy asks him for the bad news, doctore tells him he has AIDS. The old guys asks for the worse news, the doctor tells him he has Alzheimer's. The old guy responds, "Well, thank God I don't have AIDS.".
A young lady wearing a micro-miniskirt is walking down a street in London when a gust of wind comes up. She frantically tries to keep her skirt from blowing. An older gentleman is sitting on a park bench and taking all of this in. He feels badly for the lass and says, "Airy, ain't it?". She replies, "What the 'ell did you expect? Feathers?".
Technology Advances the Bra
Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Ohio State University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the sh!t out of him.
Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Ohio State University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the sh!t out of him.
Some dumb jokes my Mom sent me....
He said . . .. I don't know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said.... You wear pants don't you?
He said: Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
He said; What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said: Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
On a wall in a ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it: " I do not"
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."
He said . . .. I don't know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said.... You wear pants don't you?
He said: Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
He said; What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said: Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
On a wall in a ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it: " I do not"
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the
hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then
moved on to the next street, working furiously hour after hour, without rest,
one girl digging hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand
what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by
the effort you two are putting in your work, but I don't get it? Why do you
dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably
does look odd. You see, normally we're a three-person team. But today
the girl who plants the trees called in sick."
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the
hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then
moved on to the next street, working furiously hour after hour, without rest,
one girl digging hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand
what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by
the effort you two are putting in your work, but I don't get it? Why do you
dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably
does look odd. You see, normally we're a three-person team. But today
the girl who plants the trees called in sick."
A priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in
the coop behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and
discovered that the c0ck was missing. He knew about the c0ck fights in
the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in the church.
During mass, he asked his congregation, " Has anybody got a c0ck?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a c0ck?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a c0ck that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up!
"No, no, no. That wasn't what I meant. What I really mean is, has
anybody seen MY c0ck?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
the coop behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and
discovered that the c0ck was missing. He knew about the c0ck fights in
the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in the church.
During mass, he asked his congregation, " Has anybody got a c0ck?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a c0ck?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a c0ck that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up!
"No, no, no. That wasn't what I meant. What I really mean is, has
anybody seen MY c0ck?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
Two cannibals are eating a clown...
one says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you"?
one says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you"?
One good one deserves another!!
A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. Oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?
"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. Oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?
"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
A door-to-door salesman knocks on the door, and a toddler open's the door, smoking a cigar, drinking a beer with a Playboy under his arm.
The salesman says, "Little boy, is your mommy or daddy home?"
His reply, "What do you think?"
The salesman says, "Little boy, is your mommy or daddy home?"
His reply, "What do you think?"
A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade."
HE REPLIED: "No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race today.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade."
HE REPLIED: "No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race today.
Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and
found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about
every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old
woman appeared.
She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make
those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any
butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you
won't have any butter for you're toast for the rest of your life......
As a matter of fact, you'll never have any
butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!!"
Then POOF!.....she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend; "Fred,
where are you?"
Fred yelled back, "I'm over here in the pussy willows."
Dave shouted back, "DON'T SWING, FRED! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T
SWING!"
found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about
every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old
woman appeared.
She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make
those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any
butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you
won't have any butter for you're toast for the rest of your life......
As a matter of fact, you'll never have any
butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!!"
Then POOF!.....she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend; "Fred,
where are you?"
Fred yelled back, "I'm over here in the pussy willows."
Dave shouted back, "DON'T SWING, FRED! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T
SWING!"
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Lessons/Instruction
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The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow , Pink and Green ."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."
The manager said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow , this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems .
No doubt you have spoken to him