Jokes needed

Posted By: flugermongersA woman walks in to a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre.
So he gives her one.

Oooh, I like that one. Simple. Clever. But y'gotta think for a second.

lol, thanks Mr. T - I meant to post another, but I replaced it by accident. I'm so tired. Heh, see my insomniac thread ::tongue::

A termite walks ino his local saloon and says, "*is the bartender here?*"

The Pope was being driven across the American West on a visit. In the
mountains of Montana he stopped at an awful sight. A helpless Democrat,
wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To Hell with
Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing
around trying to free himself from the clutches of a 10 foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing
up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two
reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the
bear's grasp. Then, using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the
bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the
other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give
you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there
was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic
environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is
not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was
that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven
and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, " he may have access to all wisdom but he sure
doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait
holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and snatch up
another one?"

THE ITALIAN GRANDFATHER

An old Italian Mafia don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed:
"Grandson, I wanna you listenna to me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome
plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

The grandson replied "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your
Rolex watch instead?"

"You listenna to me. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you
gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of
bambini.

"And somma day you gonna coma home anna maybe finda you wife inna bed with
another man. Whatta you gonna do then?
"............... pointa to your watch anna say, 'Time's up'?"

Missing Aussie wife

A bloke's wife goes missing whilst diving off the Australian coast.
He spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger
Constable.

The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news".

"Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels,
what's the bad news?"

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill
here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the
reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear this and has a bit of a
turn. After a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the
good news is.

The sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized crayfish and a swag of edible crabs in and around her
wet suit, so we've brought you your share." And he hands the bloke a bag
with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez thanks mate. They're bloody beaut... I guess it's an ill wind and
all that. Now, what's the really good news?"

"Well", the Sarge says, "me and young Bill here get off duty at around
11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot back over to the reef and pull her up
again!.... you fancy comin' with us?"

A man walks into a doctor's office with a duck on his head. The doctor looks at him and says "Can I help you?" And the duck says "Yeah, can you get this guy off my ass?"

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Democrat!"

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."

The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.

The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"

"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."

"Great, can I try it?"

"Sure."

First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie."

The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"

"Done" says the genie and disappears.

A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks start falling all over each other through the bar door.

"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"


The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. However, soft music was playing, candles flickering and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained, "My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "He finds it exciting and every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and passionate for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

When her husband came home, he stopped in his tracks when he saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually."

"Needs ironing," he responded. "What's for dinner?"

His funeral will be held next Thursday.

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Susie said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Joey raised his hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Joey;

Billy, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the ***** away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

LOL!

NICE!

Police Comment Transcriptions

The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car
videos around the country...

#15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that¹s the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Is Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#4. "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3. "In God we trust, all others we run through CPIC/NCIC."

#2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

And ... THE BEST ONE!

#1 "You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't - Sign here."

You may not know this but many nonliving things
have a gender.

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, yet you can see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons
are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was too high and he purchased a donkey instead. He figured since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline:
" PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS"
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The next day the headline read:
" PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT"
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity he ordered the preacher to remove the donkey from the next race. The headline the next day read:
" BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS "
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day read:
" NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN "
The Bishop fainted. He told the nun she must get rid of the donkey, so the nun sold it to a farmer for $10.00. The headline the next day read:
" NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00 "
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. The headline the next day read:
" NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE! "
The Bishop was buried the next day!

After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had
left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I
seemed to have left my wallet at home "I will have to go home and come
back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social
Security application. When I got home, I told my wife about my experience
at the social security office.

She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

When someone puts in for Child Support, the proper thing to do is to find out who the father is and see why he is not providing support. The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

(sure they are)

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto heels in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well I don't have a clue.

8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

I like #10 best.... it's so true...

Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans

1. Blaming your farts on me...not funny.. not funny at all !!!

2. Yelling at me for barking..I'M A FREAKING DOG, YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. Dog sweaters. Hello ???, Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these thing's, We both know who's boss here!!! You don't see me picking up your poop do you ???

A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!!

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of
symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the
following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever

2. Congestion

3. Nausea

4. Fatigue

5. Aching in the joints

6. An irresistible urge to $hit on someone's windshield

Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.
General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!
AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.
Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft Network Condoms: Where do you want to go today ?
Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going and going . . .
M&M Condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
Taco Bell Condom: Get some; Make a run for the border.
MCI Condom: For friends and family
Doublemint Condom: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears Latex Condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.
The Dodge Trucks Condom: Built ram tough.
The Gateway 2000 Condom: Let us build one for you today.
The Bud Light Condom: Less filling, tastes great.
The Discover Card Condom: What did you Discover?
The Burger King Condom: Have it your way.
The Maxwellhouse Condom: Good to the last drop.
The Denny's condom: Hot eats and warm seats.
The Virginia Slims Condom: You've come a long way baby.
The Dairy Queen Condom: Hot eats, cool treats.

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.

Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously .To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!

A 45-year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience.
Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided that since she had so much more time to live, she might as well make the most of it.
She stayed in the hospital and had a face lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?
Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
*
*
*
God replied: "I didn't recognize you."

A doctor sits a man down to discuss his prognosis. The man asks how lang he has to live. The doctor replies, "10". The man, not understanding his answer asks, "10 what? 10 days, 10 months, 10 years?". The doctor replies, "10...9...8...7...6..."

haha, letters, just read the bird flu.... nice

What's the best thing to come out of a penis?

The wrinkles.

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

**Subject: Virus Warning**

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life - Completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two Good friends to the nearest bar or restaurant. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is
controlling your life.

What's the difference between ignorance and indifference?

I don't know and I don't care.