Jokes needed

How do you occupt a blonde's attention for a straight week?

Give her a bag of m&m's and have her alphabetize them.

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may
as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny
Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You
cannot be an Altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and
whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads."

That was a good one lazydog (am I allowed to appreciate it even though I'm Jewish?)!

Yup

Mother Teresa and Lady Diana go to Heaven. One day while walking down one of Heaven's roads, Mother Teresa sees Lady Diana and runs to St. Peter, completely disgusted. St. Per asks her what the problem is. Mother Teresa explains, "Look St. Peter, I'm Mother Teresa. I volunteered my entire life to helping the sick, poor and decrepit. I lived in squaller for decades doing my work. Then there's Lady Diana, some rich b*tch who throws a couple charity functions, and she has a bigger halo than me! What's the deal?" St. Peter replies, "Mother Teresa, that's not a halo, it's a steering wheel".

Ok...so its not a dirty joke but one to share with the kids:
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
Because pepper water would make them sneeze:rolling:

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Guy walks in to a bar and orders six shots.
Starts downing them one by one
Bartender says "wow - you are really drinking them fast"
Guy says "you would too if you had what I have"
Bartender asks "oh - what do you have"
Guy says "seventy five cents" and starts to run out

A Mexican, an Iraqi and a Jersey girl are in a bar.

The Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."

The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Jersey girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer and drinks it, throws her glass into the air, pulls out her gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches her glass. She says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice! :wink:

The Pope was being driven across the American West on a visit. In the
mountains of Montana he stopped at an awful sight. A helpless Democrat,
wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To Hell with
Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing
around trying to free himself from the clutches of a 10 foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing
up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two
reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the
bear's grasp. Then, using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the
bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the
other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give
you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there
was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic
environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is
not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was
that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven
and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, " he may have access to all wisdom but he sure
doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait
holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and snatch up
another one?"

Words Women Use:

1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right, and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Don't be mad about this, it is just the same 5 minutes you use when it's your turn to help do things around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine (see #1).

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word but a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing . (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you - do not question or faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying "%@&* YOU!"

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "what's wrong" - for the woman's response refer to #3.

I liked it daylaborer. Here's a somewhat contra-joke:


A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So...what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. And I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish, and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know -- one that's considerate and fun, handsome and strong and smart, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is completely faithful in thought and deed. That is what I wish for... a man just like that."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the friggin' map again."

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office completely naked and wrapped in saran wrap. The shrink looks up from his desk and says, "I can clearly see your nuts."

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only t wo lie s in his entire Life."

"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man.

"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of
first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.
The children began to say:
Red......................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange.................Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After
eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well," she said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what
your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror,
spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh, my God!! They're ass-holes!"

How hard must a road trip on the Parkway or Turnpike be for Jim McGreevey, knowing that he can't stop at any of the rest stops?

Do you think kids with ADD are jealous of kids with ADHD since they have it in High Def?

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. So they decided to stop in a nearby cemetery. Having nothing to wipe with, one of them thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl's nights out have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing", said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said: "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" And on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"

Pastor John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy!
He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. "Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Pastor realized that she'd had far too much to
drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolli ng around for a few moments, the Pastor wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."
The Pastor looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff."
The landlord nodded and said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!

testing 12345678910

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.


What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale?
A Northern fairy tale begins, "Once upon a time..."
A Southern fairy tale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this $hit..."


Light travels faster than sound
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."


Did you hear about the new "Divorce Barbie"?
It comes with all of Ken's stuff.


How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One... men will screw anything.


What do JFK Jr. and a penguin have in common?
They're both kinda cute, but neither one can fly.


What do JFK Jr. and Monica Lewinsky have in common?
They both go down easily.

A woman was helping her husband set up his new computer, and at the
appropriate time in the process, told him he would now need to enter a
password. Something he would use to log-on.

Her husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for
the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the
computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to
his wife that he was keying in:

P...

E...

N...

I...

S...





His wife fell out of her chair laughing when the computer replied...


***PASSWORD INVALID...........NOT LONG ENOUGH***

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells
her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and
we're Jewish," she asks, will God get mad at me for giving someone a
valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says
"No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you
want to give a
Valentine
to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little
American
Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a
Valentine, he
might
start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and
maybe start loving
people a
little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines
to Osama,
he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going
all over the
place to tell everyone how much he loved them and
how he didn't hate
anyone
anymore."> >

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his
daughter with new found
pride.
Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever
heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out
in the open
the Marines could shoot the *****er."

daylaborer,

Thank you for the password joke.

Its been a while since I had beer in my nose.

TomR

Two guys walk into a bar...ouch..ouch

A 3rd grade classroom is introduced to a Japanese exchange student. The teacher asks that the rest of the class treat him as if he were an American. During a history lesson the teacher asks, "What president said, four score and seven years ago...". The children didn't reply, but the exchange student says, "Lincoln". The teacher then asks, "Which president said, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself". None of the children answer, but the exchange student says, "Roosevelt". The teacher, explains her dismay at the lack of knowledge the children have regarding their own history. Little Johnny in the back yells out, "Screw the Japanese!". The exchange student replies, "Harry Truman".

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.
The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!"
She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."

Why does Michael Jackson drink Pepsi?

He likes the taste of a new generation.