Jokes needed
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
The Annual Telling of the Rosh Hashanah Joke (sorry, it's a week late)
Two limousine drivers were standing by their cars outside a fancy Upper East Side restaurant, waiting for their respective employers to come out to be driven home. They're chatting about their work and the families they drive.
The first driver says, " I have a very good deal with the Jacksons. I get $450 a week, two weeks vacation and 5 holidays off."
The second driver says, "That's good but my job with the Bernsteins is great. I get $500 a week, two weeks vacation and 6 holidays off."
"Six holidays?" says the first limo driver. "What's the sixth holiday you get?"
"I get Rosh Hashanah off" says the second driver.
"Rosh Hashanah? What's that?"
"That's when they blow the shofar."
"Man, you REALLY got a good deal," the first driver says.
Two limousine drivers were standing by their cars outside a fancy Upper East Side restaurant, waiting for their respective employers to come out to be driven home. They're chatting about their work and the families they drive.
The first driver says, " I have a very good deal with the Jacksons. I get $450 a week, two weeks vacation and 5 holidays off."
The second driver says, "That's good but my job with the Bernsteins is great. I get $500 a week, two weeks vacation and 6 holidays off."
"Six holidays?" says the first limo driver. "What's the sixth holiday you get?"
"I get Rosh Hashanah off" says the second driver.
"Rosh Hashanah? What's that?"
"That's when they blow the shofar."
"Man, you REALLY got a good deal," the first driver says.
Nerdy joke:
Never ask a photon for an opinion. It doesn't have time.
Never ask a photon for an opinion. It doesn't have time.
Found this one for the nerds:
Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
In Australia, the curbside garbage carts are called "wheelie bins."
A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out. In the spirit of kindness and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer.
Being a conscientious bloke, he knocks again. Eventually, a Japanese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"G'day mate, where's ya' bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toilet," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realizing the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. "No mate, where's ya' dust bin?"
"I dust been to toilet, I toll you!"' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the garbage collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean, where's ya' wheelie bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"
A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out. In the spirit of kindness and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer.
Being a conscientious bloke, he knocks again. Eventually, a Japanese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"G'day mate, where's ya' bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toilet," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realizing the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. "No mate, where's ya' dust bin?"
"I dust been to toilet, I toll you!"' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the garbage collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean, where's ya' wheelie bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
A little girl goes to the barbershop with her dad and stands next to the chair, eating a muffin while her dad gets a haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says: "Your gonna get hair on your muffin!"
"I know," she says. "I'm gonna get tits too, you dirty old bastard."
The barber smiles at her and says: "Your gonna get hair on your muffin!"
"I know," she says. "I'm gonna get tits too, you dirty old bastard."
You're welcome.
A woman called her husband at work and told him that there was a bad leak in the kitchen. He told her to call the plumber and have it fixed.
A few hours later he gave her a call and asked, "Has the plumber come yet?"
She replied, "Not yet, but I have him breathing hard."
Women are just like orange juice cartons. Its not the shape or the size that matters, or even how sweet the juice is. It's all about getting those damn flaps open.
A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in Arkansas, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.
"Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.
"Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.
"Thirteen? My God, girl! You get those clothes back on at once and get the hell outta here! 13? You are crazy!" he thundered.
Pausing briefly at the door, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, "superstitious, huh?"
A woman called her husband at work and told him that there was a bad leak in the kitchen. He told her to call the plumber and have it fixed.
A few hours later he gave her a call and asked, "Has the plumber come yet?"
She replied, "Not yet, but I have him breathing hard."
Women are just like orange juice cartons. Its not the shape or the size that matters, or even how sweet the juice is. It's all about getting those damn flaps open.
A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in Arkansas, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.
"Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.
"Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.
"Thirteen? My God, girl! You get those clothes back on at once and get the hell outta here! 13? You are crazy!" he thundered.
Pausing briefly at the door, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, "superstitious, huh?"
Got this text from my brother recently. It read.
"Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. For what it's worth, it reaches all the way to the back of her sister's throat!"
"Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. For what it's worth, it reaches all the way to the back of her sister's throat!"
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope... Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely,
Edna
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope... Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely,
Edna
"A developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already owns a house in the woods."
--Dennis Miller
--Dennis Miller
A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue.
Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.
Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.
Did you hear about the historians that formed a heavy metal band? It was called AD/BC,
"I've got some good news and some bad news" the doctor says.
"What's the bad news?" asks the patient.
"The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live".
The patient is taken aback, "What's the good news then, Doctor?"
The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big tits, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?"
The patient nods his head. The doctor replies, "I'm banging her."
"What's the bad news?" asks the patient.
"The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live".
The patient is taken aback, "What's the good news then, Doctor?"
The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big tits, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?"
The patient nods his head. The doctor replies, "I'm banging her."
One day Ole and Sven were paging through the Sears Catalog and admiring all the beautiful models.
Ole said to Sven, "Haf you seen da perdy girls in dis catalog?"
Sven replied, "Ya. Dey sure are bootiful, an yust look at da prices!"
Ole looked wide eyed and said, "Yumpin' yimminy. Dey ain't very expensive. At dees prices I'm buyin' me vun."
Sven smiled, patted Ole on the back and said, "by golly Ole, if she's as perdy as she looks in da catalog, I vill get vun too."
Three weeks later Sven came by and asked Ole, "did ja ever git dat girl you ordered from da Sears Catalog?"
Ole replied, "no, but it von't be long now, her clothes came yesterday!"
Ole said to Sven, "Haf you seen da perdy girls in dis catalog?"
Sven replied, "Ya. Dey sure are bootiful, an yust look at da prices!"
Ole looked wide eyed and said, "Yumpin' yimminy. Dey ain't very expensive. At dees prices I'm buyin' me vun."
Sven smiled, patted Ole on the back and said, "by golly Ole, if she's as perdy as she looks in da catalog, I vill get vun too."
Three weeks later Sven came by and asked Ole, "did ja ever git dat girl you ordered from da Sears Catalog?"
Ole replied, "no, but it von't be long now, her clothes came yesterday!"
Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in a hospital ICU, tubes up my nose and down my throat, wires monitoring every function, a hell of a pain all over my head, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.
It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.
She looked at me deep and steady and I heard her slowly say, "I'm sorry but...you may not feel anything from the waist down."
It took all my effort, but I managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"
A man walks into a dentist's office and says, "Excuse me, can you help me? I think I'm a moth."
"You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
"Yes, I know."
"So, why did you come in here?"
"The light was on."
"You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
"Yes, I know."
"So, why did you come in here?"
"The light was on."
An octopus walks into a bar and says “I can play ANY musical instrument that you like!” An Englishman gives him a guitar, which he plays better than Hendrix. An Irishman gives him a piano, which he plays better than Elton! A Scotsman throws him a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes so the Scotsman asks “Whats wrong? Can ye no play it?” The octopus replies “Play it? I'm gonna give her sweet lovin', once I get her pajamas off !!!”
yep, that's the one.
yep, that's the one.
"A new study has found that 70 minutes of math and science homework per night is best for teenage students. Said teenage students, 'What? That's, like, two hours!'" -Seth Meyers
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk.
The town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Sicily.
It was absolutely wonderful. it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Sicily?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is Sicilian."
The town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Sicily.
It was absolutely wonderful. it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Sicily?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is Sicilian."
Noren Eron, the great Norse comic decided to bring his act to America. He booked several shows in the northern states and did well. He then took his act down south, but he realized that the farther south he went, the less the crowd appreciated his act which had the poor guy miffed. When he got to the Deep South, no one got his act at all. After many disappointing sets, he just quit one night and returned to Norway. This goes to show you...
You should never book a miffed Norse in the south.
You should never book a miffed Norse in the south.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of whiskeys and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of whiskeys and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
Three guys are debating which of their languages is the most pleasing to the ear.
The Italian says, "Consider the phrase, 'I love you.' In Italian, it is: 'Ti amo'. What a lovely sound!"
The French guy says, "True, but in French it is 'Je t'adore'. An even more beautiful sound!"
"Unt vat's wrong vit: 'Ick leiber dick?" asks the German.
The Italian says, "Consider the phrase, 'I love you.' In Italian, it is: 'Ti amo'. What a lovely sound!"
The French guy says, "True, but in French it is 'Je t'adore'. An even more beautiful sound!"
"Unt vat's wrong vit: 'Ick leiber dick?" asks the German.
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Dr. Jacobs takes the phone and asks, "Hi, what's up?"
"Don't worry, everything's OK," replies Dr. Gold. "It's just that I'm at home with Dr. Lewis and Dr. Kosiner. We're having a little game of poker and we're short of one hand so we thought you might like to come
over and join us?"
"Sure .... yes, of course," replies Dr. Jacobs, putting on a serious voice, "I'm leaving right now." And he puts down the phone.
"What's happened?" his wife asks, with a worried look.
"It's very serious," Dr. Jacobs replies. "They've already called three doctors."