Jokes needed

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his homosexuality from his parents, goes over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. Sitting down at the kitchen table, he lets out a big sigh and says, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."

His mother made no reply, and the guy was about to repeat it, when she turned to him and said calmly, "You're gay? Doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

Nervously, the guy said, "Uh, yeah, Mom, well I guess so."

His mother went back to stirring the pot. Suddenly, she whirled around and whacked him over the head with her spoon, saying, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"

My friend finally agreed to marry his long-time significant other.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. His wife was standing there watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've been thinking - now that we are married we should spend more time together. I think it's time you quit playing golf. Maybe you could sell your golf clubs."

My friend was startled, a horrified look was on his face.

She said, "Oh, darling, what's wrong?"

He said, "For a minute there you sounded just like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!" she screamed, I didn't know you'd been married before!"

He replied, "I haven't!"

Little Bruce and his friend Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know
they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so
Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in
love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well,
Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In
Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit in it nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks
a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so
that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed. Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have
one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have
little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so
far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little punk is adorable. …

The Christian Bear

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: “Oh my God…”

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

It was then that a bright light shone down upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: “You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”

The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the bear a Christian?”

“Very well,” said the voice.

The light went out.

And the sounds of the forest resumed.

Then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke:

“Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful. Amen.”

During sex I suddenly stopped and didn't move. My wife was like, "What are you doing?"

I said, "Quiet, I saw this on Pornhub. It's called buffering."

A man in Florida has been arrested for inappropriately touching two women outside a Walmart while claiming to be a psychic. Though to his credit, when the police picked him up he said, 'I knew this was going to happen.'

There's a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly. The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma.

She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees. When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door.

Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately. The nurse, upset that her idea had not only not worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened.

"I'm not sure," said the husband, "but I think she choked!"

A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man holding a 5-iron in his hands, standing over the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.

The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"

"Yes."

"Did you hit her with that golf club?"

"Yes. Yes, I did," the man, answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.

"How many times did you hit her?"

"I don't know. Five...maybe six ...put me down for a five."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Danny and his wife Kathy go to the state fair every year. And every year Danny would say, "Kathy, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Kathy always replied, "I know Danny, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

One year Danny and Kathy went to the fair, and Danny said, "Kathy, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Kathy replied, "Danny, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."

Danny and Kathy agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Danny and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Danny replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Kathy fell out. But you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

maresleg,

Thank you for that one. I'm glad I didn't take a sip while reading.

TomR

The "Scam" thread in VC reminded me of ...

A warning for those friends, husbands and/or boyfriends who may be regular customers at the local hardware.

This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your lumber and hardware. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they remove all of their clothes and start making out. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you. She then takes off your pants and throws them into the back seat. While the one is keeping you distracted the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, then again on the 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also, June 1st, 7th, twice on the 8th, and again on the 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th. Then three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

PS. a major department store has wallets on sale $2.99 each, a 20% discount if you buy 10 or more.

mark,

Thank you!

Thank you very much.

TomR

Why is 6 scared of 7?

7 8 9

Q: What do you get when you have 10 naked blonds standing on thier heads?

A: 10 brunettes.

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,
"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your
hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over
there instead of you."
When you are over sixty who gives a *****?


I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over sixty who gives a *****?



I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing
on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed
by now."
When you are over sixty who gives a *****?

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?""

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career"

A guy from South Orange, who runs his own furniture business, was invited to a trade fair in Paris. He doesn't speak French but it was no problem as everyone at the event spoke English. But that night at the bar of his hotel a beautiful French girl smiled at him. "damn" he thought... "I'd like to invite her for a drink but I don't speak French". So he drew a glass of wine on a piece of paper and showed it to her. She smiled and said "Oui!" They enjoyed their drink, the beautiful French girl smiling at him all the time. So he wondered if she'd like to eat something, so drew a plate of food on a piece of paper. She smiled and "Oui!" and they had a wonderful meal in the hotel restaurant. All the time she was smiling at him so he wondered if she'd like to go dancing, so he drew a picture of a couple dancing on a piece of paper and showed it to her. She smiled and said "Oui!" So they went dancing until 2am, and all the time she was smiling at him. Then the girl drew a picture of a beautiful four poster bed and showed it to the South Orange Chap.

And to this day he still doesn't know how she knew he was in the furniture business!

A young girl comes home and tells her parents that she's going to marry her Greek boyfriend. They are very happy for her but the Dad says, "He's Greek so don't let him flip you over, so to speak."

They get married and are very happy. One night he says, "let me flip you over."

She says, "no, my Dad told me not to let you flip me over."

"What?" he says, "and never have kids?"

Two retired Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in L.A. Sid asks Al, ‘Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico ?

Al replies, ‘I don’t know; let’s ask our waiter.’

When the waiter arrives, Al asks, ‘Are there any Mexican Jews?’ The waiter says, ‘I don’t know senor; I ask the cooks.

He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes& says, ‘No, senor; the cook say no Mexican Jews.’

Al isn’t satisfied& asks, ‘Are you absolutely sure?

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with Gringos’ replies, ‘I check once again, senor!’ `He goes back into the kitchen.

While the waiter is away, Sid says, ‘I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico . Our people are scattered everywhere.’

The waiter returns& says, ‘Senor, the head cook Juan say there is no Mexican Jews.’ ‘Are you certain?’ Al asks again. ‘I just can’t believe there are no Mexican Jews!”SENOR, I asked EVERYONE,’ replies the exasperated waiter.

‘All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews .

Each morning Jake would drive down Sunset Blvd. on his way to work. For the past year a pretty hooker standing on the corner of Sunset gave him the eye as he passed. Of late, she took to showing him parts of what he would get if he stopped to pick her up. Jake was a good husband and family man and didn't want to cheat on his wife. However, lately the hooker was looking so tempting, he could not get her out of his mind.

After spending many sleepless nights, he went to consult a psychiatrist. He told the psychiatrist she was driving him crazy, he was married 25 years, and did not want to cheat on his wife.

"What should I do?" asked Jake.

The psychiatrist said, "Take Melrose Avenue."

What's the best thing about living in Switzerland???


I don't know but the flag is a huge plus...

Once during the Dark Ages, the Pope decreed that all Jews must leave Rome. A huge uproar ensued, and even some of the city's nobles protested because they had Jewish friends.

So the Pope made a deal. He invited the Jews to send a representative for a religious debate in the Vatican.

If their man won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

Under that kind of pressure, no one wanted to represent the Jewish community. Finally a shoemaker named Shmuly stepped forward. He was not a rabbi, but he was tough as nails, and always gave sound advice when asked.

Shmuly requested one condition for the debate. Since he didn't speak Latin, and the Pope didn't speak Hebrew, Shmuly suggested that neither side talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Everyone prayed as Shmuly entered the Vatican.

Shmuly and the Pope sat before the assembled Cardinals for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and slowly extended three fingers.

Shmuly looked back at him and slowly raised one finger.

The Pope waved his hand in a circle around his head. Shmuly emphatically pointed to the ground between them.

The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Shmuly pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, "So be it! This man has argued well. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the Cardinals surrounded the Pope asking him to recount what happened.

"Well, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is one G-d, and both our religions worship Him. Then I waved my hand around us to show that G-d is everywhere. He pointed to the ground between us to show that G-d is therefore judging this debate. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that G-d absolves us from our errors. He pulled out an apple to remind me that some errors have permanent consequences. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Shmuly for his recap.

"Well," said Shmuly, "First he said the Jews have three days to leave Rome. So I gave him the finger. Then he said the city would be wiped clean of us, so I said we're staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman breathlessly.

"Who knows?" said Shmuly. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

On the Upper West Side of NYC lived an assimilated Jew who was now a very militant atheist. But he sent his son to Trinity School because, despite its denominational roots, it's a great school, and completely secular.

After a month, the boy comes home and says casually, "By the way Dad, do you know what Trinity means? It means the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost."

The father can barely control his rage. He seizes his son by the shoulders and declares, "Danny, I'm going to tell you something now and I want you never to forget it. There is only one God... and we don't believe in him!"

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf.

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking: what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms, skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving is life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on dancing and kicking up his heels with no arms.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT freakin' happy, My balls are itchy."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

1. She is not a "BABE "or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
10. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS: - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
11. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER.

If you are in a cold room, go stand in the corner. It's 90 degrees there.

Jude said:

If you are in a cold room, go stand in the corner. It's 90 degrees there.

Nice.

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in- law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in- law explained. "Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress. It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left with a lot to think about.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

When he finally came home he walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress." she whispered sensually.

"Well, it needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

He never heard the gunshot.

A piece of rope walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
The bartender say that they don't serve rope and he would have to leave, which the rope did.

Outside the bar, the rope tie himself up and unraveled his ends and walked back into the bar and ordered another beer.

The bartender asked if he was t he piece of rope that was in earlier and the rope replied "I'M AFRAID NOT"

In at least two different restaurants I’ve seen this sign in the rest room:
“Employees must wash your hands”

I wait, and I wait, but they never do it.

And in an airport in Seattle on a stopover from New York, I saw this engraved sign on the wall in a restroom:
“Please wash your hands before returning to work”

And I thought, I’m on my way to the Caribbean for vacation and I won’t be back at work for two weeks!