Jokes needed
Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender says "Do you all want something to drink?"
The first logician says "I don't know."
The second logician says "I don't know."
The third logician says "Yes."
The first logician says "I don't know."
The second logician says "I don't know."
The third logician says "Yes."
Another nerd joke:
What does the 'B' in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for?
Benoit B Mandelbrot.
What does the 'B' in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for?
Benoit B Mandelbrot.
Guilty. Not that anyone thought I thought of those myself...
http://www.theguardian.com/science/2013/dec/29/scientists-favourite-jokes
http://www.theguardian.com/science/2013/dec/29/scientists-favourite-jokes
Not accusing--I had just finished reading a link to that on FB myself.
(as also mentioned, here ...mfpark said:
Someone's been reading the Guardian's article on nerd humor.....
http://forum.maplewoodonline.com/discussion/comment/2446932#Comment_2446932 )
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really?" she said. "Go on and try. I bet you can't."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, "Yesterday."
"Really?" she said. "Go on and try. I bet you can't."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, "Yesterday."
Pete and his cousin Jimmy were out fishing together on a boat in the middle of nowhere.
Jimmy suddenly had to take a leak, so he unzipped his trousers had gabbed himself with four fingers and took care of business.
Astonished, Pete thought how nice it would be to hung like that.
Later that night, Pete and his buddy Jason were in a bar, and they went into the toilet to take a leak.
While standing at the urinal Pete confessed, ‘I wish I had a dick like my cousin Jimmy. He needs four fingers to hold his.’
Jason looked over and pointed out, ‘But you're holding yours with four fingers.’
‘I know,’ said Pete, ‘but I'm pissing on three of them.’
Jimmy suddenly had to take a leak, so he unzipped his trousers had gabbed himself with four fingers and took care of business.
Astonished, Pete thought how nice it would be to hung like that.
Later that night, Pete and his buddy Jason were in a bar, and they went into the toilet to take a leak.
While standing at the urinal Pete confessed, ‘I wish I had a dick like my cousin Jimmy. He needs four fingers to hold his.’
Jason looked over and pointed out, ‘But you're holding yours with four fingers.’
‘I know,’ said Pete, ‘but I'm pissing on three of them.’
A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her. The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.
‘Get your hand out of there!’ she shouts. ‘Don't you know that women have teeth down there?’
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up thinking all women have teeth between their legs.
When he's 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says ‘you know, you could go a little further if you want.’
‘What do you mean?’ he asks.
‘Well, why don't you put your hand down there?’ she says, pointing to her crotch.
‘Hell no,’ he cries, ‘you've got teeth down there.’
‘Don't be ridiculous,’ she responds, ‘there's no teeth there.’
‘Yes there are,’ he says, ‘my mom told me so.’
‘No there aren't,’ she insists. ‘Here, look for yourself.’ With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.’
‘No I'm sorry’ he says. ‘My mom already told me that all women have teeth down there.’
‘Oh for Christ's sake!’ she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, ‘Look, I don't have any teeth down there.’
The boy takes a good long look, then replies: ‘Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised.’
‘Get your hand out of there!’ she shouts. ‘Don't you know that women have teeth down there?’
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up thinking all women have teeth between their legs.
When he's 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says ‘you know, you could go a little further if you want.’
‘What do you mean?’ he asks.
‘Well, why don't you put your hand down there?’ she says, pointing to her crotch.
‘Hell no,’ he cries, ‘you've got teeth down there.’
‘Don't be ridiculous,’ she responds, ‘there's no teeth there.’
‘Yes there are,’ he says, ‘my mom told me so.’
‘No there aren't,’ she insists. ‘Here, look for yourself.’ With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.’
‘No I'm sorry’ he says. ‘My mom already told me that all women have teeth down there.’
‘Oh for Christ's sake!’ she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, ‘Look, I don't have any teeth down there.’
The boy takes a good long look, then replies: ‘Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised.’
A noted sex therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex.
To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people, and goes down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is grinning from ear to ear.
‘Twice a day,’ the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no.
‘Once a day, then?’ Again the answer is no.
‘Twice a week?’ ‘No.’
‘Twice a month?’ ‘No.’
The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to ‘once a year’.
The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the man, ‘What the heck are you so happy about?’
The man answers, ‘Tonight's the night!’
To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people, and goes down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is grinning from ear to ear.
‘Twice a day,’ the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no.
‘Once a day, then?’ Again the answer is no.
‘Twice a week?’ ‘No.’
‘Twice a month?’ ‘No.’
The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to ‘once a year’.
The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the man, ‘What the heck are you so happy about?’
The man answers, ‘Tonight's the night!’
How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher, a nurse or an airline stewardess?
A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.
A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.
And a airline stewardess says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.
A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.
A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.
And a airline stewardess says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.
Bill said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Larry replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
Bill said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Larry replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
Bob, an undertaker, came home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day," replied Bob. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
"Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was the big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see," said his wife, "that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?"
"Wrong damn room."
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day," replied Bob. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
"Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was the big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see," said his wife, "that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?"
"Wrong damn room."
My brother-in-law and I were fishing, not having any luck when he told me to row faster. I rowed and rowed when all of a sudden both oars snapped right in half.
Stranded my brother-in-law said, "What now, idiot?"
"Don't worry. Somebody is going to come by." I answered.
Just then around a corner came an Englishman and two ladies with parasols. I yelled out, "Could I borrow one of your oars?"
The Englishmen said, "Them's not oars! One's me wife and the other's me sister."
Stranded my brother-in-law said, "What now, idiot?"
"Don't worry. Somebody is going to come by." I answered.
Just then around a corner came an Englishman and two ladies with parasols. I yelled out, "Could I borrow one of your oars?"
The Englishmen said, "Them's not oars! One's me wife and the other's me sister."
On the Upper West Side of NYC lived an assimilated Jew who was now a very militant atheist. But he sent his son to Trinity School because, despite its denominational roots, it's a great school, and completely secular.
After a month, the boy comes home and says casually, "By the way Dad, do you know what Trinity means? It means the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost."
The father can barely control his rage. He seizes his son by the shoulders and declares, "Danny, I'm going to tell you something now and I want you never to forget it. There is only one God... and we don't believe in him!"
When I checked into my motel, I asked the lady at the desk: "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
THE SENSITIVE MAN TEST
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is :
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. I hope we can still be friends.
B. I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.
C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate :
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is :
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. I hope we can still be friends.
B. I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.
C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate :
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
"Scientists are working on a new contraceptive for women that works for 90 days straight. They are referring to this new contraceptive as sweatpants." -Conan O'Brien
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man, "if I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!'' said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said, "not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
"Good morning," said the young man, "if I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!'' said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said, "not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
A man received the following text from his neighbor: I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.'
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in: "Damn autocorrect. I meant 'WIFI', not "wife.'"
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in: "Damn autocorrect. I meant 'WIFI', not "wife.'"
Two men were having a drink in an airport bar when the topic turned to short term life insurance for flights.
"I always get it for me when I fly alone," said one gent. "But when I fly with my wife, I don't bother. It's a waste of money."
"How is it a waste when you fly with your wife?" asked his friend.
"I know we will never crash if my wife is on board," came the reply, "because there is no way she will ever go down."
"I always get it for me when I fly alone," said one gent. "But when I fly with my wife, I don't bother. It's a waste of money."
"How is it a waste when you fly with your wife?" asked his friend.
"I know we will never crash if my wife is on board," came the reply, "because there is no way she will ever go down."
An oldie...
A small West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem: The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of her species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.
So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $100?
Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss the gorilla."
"Second, you must never tell anyone about this."
The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
Ed stated, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the hundred bucks."
A small West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem: The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of her species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.
So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $100?
Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss the gorilla."
"Second, you must never tell anyone about this."
The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
Ed stated, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the hundred bucks."
The Down Side of Working in Cubicles:
* Being told to "Think outside the box"' when I'm in the f**king box all day?
* Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.
* Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.
* That nagging feeling that if I press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.
* Lack of rafters for the noose.
* My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.
* Women: Damned near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment.
* Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you take your pants off.
* 23 power cords, 1 outlet.
* Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
* When tours come thru, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.
* Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.
* Being told to "Think outside the box"' when I'm in the f**king box all day?
* Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.
* Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.
* That nagging feeling that if I press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.
* Lack of rafters for the noose.
* My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.
* Women: Damned near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment.
* Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you take your pants off.
* 23 power cords, 1 outlet.
* Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
* When tours come thru, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.
* Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.
A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down, Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Minutes later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation...she never got your email!"
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down, Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Minutes later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation...she never got your email!"
A fellow tees off, and slices terribly. He sees the ball fly past a stand of trees and then hears a shriek. He runs over and finds a woman knocked out cold.
The man runs back to the clubhouse and shouts, "Is there a doctor here?"
"I'm a doctor," another man says, rising. "What's the trouble?"
"I just hit a woman with a golf ball out there and she's unconscious!"
"Well where did you hit her?" the doctor asks.
"Between the first and second holes."
"Oh my," the doctor says, shaking his head. "That doesn't leave much room for stitches!"
The man runs back to the clubhouse and shouts, "Is there a doctor here?"
"I'm a doctor," another man says, rising. "What's the trouble?"
"I just hit a woman with a golf ball out there and she's unconscious!"
"Well where did you hit her?" the doctor asks.
"Between the first and second holes."
"Oh my," the doctor says, shaking his head. "That doesn't leave much room for stitches!"
The Polish couple's sex life was terrible, so they went out and bought a sex manual.
"Honey, I want to perform oral sex with you like it says in the book, but it smells so bad. Why don't you go out and buy some of that feminine deodorant spray?"
She agreed. And hour later, she returned, all excited.
"You should see the flavors they have!" she told her husband. "Strawberry, cherry, banana…"
"What did you get?" he interrupted.
"Tuna," she replied.
"Honey, I want to perform oral sex with you like it says in the book, but it smells so bad. Why don't you go out and buy some of that feminine deodorant spray?"
She agreed. And hour later, she returned, all excited.
"You should see the flavors they have!" she told her husband. "Strawberry, cherry, banana…"
"What did you get?" he interrupted.
"Tuna," she replied.
The psychology professor, in his intro to a first-year neuropsychology course, said that the hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. Fighting; 2. Fleeing; 3. Feeding; and 4. Mating.
The_Soulful_Mr_T said:
The psychology professor, in his intro to a first-year neuropsychology course, said that the hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. Fighting; 2. Fleeing; 3. Feeding; and 4. Mating.
This is actually not a joke. Except, when I was in psychology grad school, 4 was "sexual behavior."
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