Jokes needed
A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to chicago . she looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, "i'll give it a try and see what it tells me."
She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in and out came a card that read, "you are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, and you are going to chicago ."
The nun sat back down. she told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone. the more she thought about it the more curious she became so she decided to try it again. she went back to the machine and again put her nickel in, and out came a card that read, "you are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to chicago and you are going to play a fiddle."
The nun says to herself, "i know that is wrong, i have never played a musical instrument even once in my life." she sat back down.
From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case on the seat between them. without thinking, she opened the cowboy's case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music.
Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking, "this is incredible, i've got to try this again."
Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out. it read, "you are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs , you are going to chicago and you are going to break wind."
Now she knows the machine is wrong as she thought to herself, "i've never broken wind in public a single time in my life. " but getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.
Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. she said to herself, "this is truly remarkable. i've got to try this again."
She went back to the machine, put in another nickel, and another card came out. it read, "you are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to chicago
She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in and out came a card that read, "you are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, and you are going to chicago ."
The nun sat back down. she told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone. the more she thought about it the more curious she became so she decided to try it again. she went back to the machine and again put her nickel in, and out came a card that read, "you are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to chicago and you are going to play a fiddle."
The nun says to herself, "i know that is wrong, i have never played a musical instrument even once in my life." she sat back down.
From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case on the seat between them. without thinking, she opened the cowboy's case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music.
Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking, "this is incredible, i've got to try this again."
Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out. it read, "you are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs , you are going to chicago and you are going to break wind."
Now she knows the machine is wrong as she thought to herself, "i've never broken wind in public a single time in my life. " but getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.
Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. she said to herself, "this is truly remarkable. i've got to try this again."
She went back to the machine, put in another nickel, and another card came out. it read, "you are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to chicago
Definition
"Christianity: The belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie, who was his own father, can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree."
And if we don't believe this, how can we have a morality?
"Christianity: The belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie, who was his own father, can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree."
And if we don't believe this, how can we have a morality?
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can`t take that chance."
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can`t take that chance."
Saul and Selma finally took their long awaited vacation for two weeks at a fancy Miami Beach hotel. After checking in to their room, Selma left to do a bit of window shopping in the hotel lobby while Saul was to unpack, relax and wait for her to come back. An hour later Selma returns to the room and sees Saul and the chambermaid in bed together, naked and "doing it." Selma lets out a shriek, the chambermaid runs out the door and Saul gets out of the bed to try to explain. Selma gives him a big push and Saul falls out the open window, falls 14 floors to his death. The police come and question Selma who tells them exactly what happened. "But Selma" followed up the investigating officer, "why would you push your husband of 40 years out the window? You knew what could happen if you did." Selma, shook her head: "I didn't know. I figured if he could fukc he could fly."
[an oldie but for sure a mediocrity]
A Chinese man and his Jewish friend were walking along one day when the Jewish man whirled and slugged the Chinese man and knocked him down.
"What was that for?" the Chinese man asked.
"That was for Pearl Harbor!" the Jewish man said.
"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese. I'm Chinese."
"Chinese, Japanese, you are all the same!"
"Oh!"
They continued walking and after a while the Chinese man whirled and knocked the Jewish man to the ground.
"What was that for?" the Jewish man asked.
"That was for the Titanic!"
"The Titanic? That was an iceberg."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, you're all the same."
A Chinese man and his Jewish friend were walking along one day when the Jewish man whirled and slugged the Chinese man and knocked him down.
"What was that for?" the Chinese man asked.
"That was for Pearl Harbor!" the Jewish man said.
"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese. I'm Chinese."
"Chinese, Japanese, you are all the same!"
"Oh!"
They continued walking and after a while the Chinese man whirled and knocked the Jewish man to the ground.
"What was that for?" the Jewish man asked.
"That was for the Titanic!"
"The Titanic? That was an iceberg."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, you're all the same."
Jun 1, 2007 at 5:54am Edited
Just a thought
After spending some extra quality-time in my auto this morning while a "person of interest" was trying to off himself from the George Wash Bridge, it occurred to me that there could be a convirgent moment here. Dr Death is getting out of jail, NJ is going to start taking apart the Pulaski Skyway, and people are trying to jump from the GWB. How about they leave a small portion of the skyway intact with just a staircase up, and rename it the Kervorkian Myway. Heck, they could use it for the in-ramp of Hartz Mountain.
ok, maybe a little dark for the joke board...
After spending some extra quality-time in my auto this morning while a "person of interest" was trying to off himself from the George Wash Bridge, it occurred to me that there could be a convirgent moment here. Dr Death is getting out of jail, NJ is going to start taking apart the Pulaski Skyway, and people are trying to jump from the GWB. How about they leave a small portion of the skyway intact with just a staircase up, and rename it the Kervorkian Myway. Heck, they could use it for the in-ramp of Hartz Mountain.
ok, maybe a little dark for the joke board...
Not dark at all, it's a perfect way to stop traffic from being snarled because some idiot wants to off himself. Why stop them, they're biodegradable?
Jun 3, 2007 at 10:09am Edited
The Hogzilla thread and how the hog was sold to the canned hunt farm reminded me of the following story.
A traveler was walking through a rural area when he went up to a farmhouse to see if they would give him a drink of water.
As he approached the farm, he noticed the largest hog he had ever seen. It was a beautiful animal, but it was missing one of its hind legs.
The traveler asked the farmer, who was rocking quietly on his porch if he could get a drink of water. As he was waiting for his drink the traveler asked the farmer about the hog and its missing leg..
Farmer: "That hog, he's a hero, that hog. One day when I was out plowing the back forty, my tractor tipped over and I was pinned underneath. That hog heard my cries for help and ran out and rooted around my trapped leg and pulled me to safety just before the tractor's fuel tank exploded. I'd be dead if it weren't for that hog."
Traveler: "But why is the hog missing a leg?'
Farmer: "That hog is a real hero, that hog. Just two months ago, the missus and I had to go into town for the evening. An oil lamp caught fire and the whole house was in blazes. Well, that hog smelled the smoke and saw the flames and dashed into the house and pulled all my children to safety. Had to carry out the youngest on his back. Tha hog, that hog is a hero."
Traveler: "But, why is he ...."
Farmer: "With a hog like that, you just don't want to eat him all at one time."
A traveler was walking through a rural area when he went up to a farmhouse to see if they would give him a drink of water.
As he approached the farm, he noticed the largest hog he had ever seen. It was a beautiful animal, but it was missing one of its hind legs.
The traveler asked the farmer, who was rocking quietly on his porch if he could get a drink of water. As he was waiting for his drink the traveler asked the farmer about the hog and its missing leg..
Farmer: "That hog, he's a hero, that hog. One day when I was out plowing the back forty, my tractor tipped over and I was pinned underneath. That hog heard my cries for help and ran out and rooted around my trapped leg and pulled me to safety just before the tractor's fuel tank exploded. I'd be dead if it weren't for that hog."
Traveler: "But why is the hog missing a leg?'
Farmer: "That hog is a real hero, that hog. Just two months ago, the missus and I had to go into town for the evening. An oil lamp caught fire and the whole house was in blazes. Well, that hog smelled the smoke and saw the flames and dashed into the house and pulled all my children to safety. Had to carry out the youngest on his back. Tha hog, that hog is a hero."
Traveler: "But, why is he ...."
Farmer: "With a hog like that, you just don't want to eat him all at one time."
Men!
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(Because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T MEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(They don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(They don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(You need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(Don’t know....it never happened)
And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(Because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T MEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(They don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(They don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(You need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(Don’t know....it never happened)
And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT
THE NEW SCHOOL FOR ADULTS
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, Jan. 16, 2006
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide
Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks! , Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Discussion and practice
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line
Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration .
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined .
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online
Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and
Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
THE NEW SCHOOL FOR ADULTS
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, Jan. 16, 2006
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide
Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks! , Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Discussion and practice
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line
Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration .
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined .
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online
Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and
Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
If real women posted humor about women like this, the ERA movement would roll over in it's grave.
What do men think about this stuff? Is it really funny? Or do you just ignore it?
What do men think about this stuff? Is it really funny? Or do you just ignore it?
It's humor. Not to be taken seriously. (unless you want to hear about the squirrel and his nuts.....) :bigsmile:
Posted By: mrmaplewoodIf real women posted humor about women like this, the ERA movement would roll over in it's grave.
What do men think about this stuff? Is it really funny? Or do you just ignore it?
Men probably think it's as funny as blonde women (such as myself) find blonde jokes.
Oh, no, wait, I DO find them funny. If you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?
FRENCH TERROR ALERT!!!
AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "run" to "hide".
The only two higher levels in France are "surrender" and "collaborate". The raise was precipitated by the recent fire which destroyed one of France's white flag factories, disabling their military.
AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "run" to "hide".
The only two higher levels in France are "surrender" and "collaborate". The raise was precipitated by the recent fire which destroyed one of France's white flag factories, disabling their military.
Posted By: DEFCON CreatorFRENCH TERROR ALERT!!!
AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "run" to "hide".
The only two higher levels in France are "surrender" and "collaborate". The raise was precipitated by the recent fire which destroyed one of France's white flag factories, disabling their military.
:rolling::rolling::rolling::rolling::rolling::rolling:
I believe these stories are true.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two. We haven't used Sears repair since.
______________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman , KS
____________________________________
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg. He was a Chef?
Yep...From Kansas City !
______________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge. To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
_________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
__________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
__________________________________ ______
IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
___________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open! His reply, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two. We haven't used Sears repair since.
______________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman , KS
____________________________________
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg. He was a Chef?
Yep...From Kansas City !
______________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge. To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
_________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
__________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
__________________________________ ______
IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
___________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open! His reply, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
Bubba and Earl were sitting in back of their trailers, shooting the breeze.
Bubba asked Earl: "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin' an' I made love to yore wife, an' she got pregnant, would that make us kin?"
Earl scratched his head for a bit then said: "I don't think so, but it shore would make us even."
Bubba asked Earl: "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin' an' I made love to yore wife, an' she got pregnant, would that make us kin?"
Earl scratched his head for a bit then said: "I don't think so, but it shore would make us even."
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and deer nuts?
Deer nuts are under a buck.
Deer nuts are under a buck.
A young guy from Minnesota moved to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota."
Well, the boss liked the looks of the kid, so he gave him a job and said, "You start tomorrow, and I'll come down after we close and see how you did. OK?
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota."
Well, the boss liked the looks of the kid, so he gave him a job and said, "You start tomorrow, and I'll come down after we close and see how you did. OK?
I told my wife that I have a present for her that every women dreams of and she asked me when I was leaving.
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." !
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!
To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went! :
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." !
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!
To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went! :
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Europe Responds to the War on Terror!
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross"since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists themselves have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross"since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists themselves have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
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Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM!- Kenny nails every hen in the Hen house- three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.
By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard, vultures are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to Yourself." Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the vultures circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer".