I need a Catholic church

We belong to OLS and it seems fine to us. We don't go weekly (I'm a product of 12 yrs catholic school and some good old fashioned catholic guilt) but we had our sons baptism there and will baptize #2 there in November. People are friendly and well-meaning. It's a beautiful church. We've never encountered any judgement though I so don't know they it matters if you don't plan to hang out with other parishioners.

@Adele, ) I think we understand each other!

Unfortunately, preceding my name with an @-sign doesn't notify me because I have a space in my name. It's a software bug.

We attempted to do this at a church near my mother's house but required a letter from our 'home' parish before they would do anything. We attempted to get said letter at OLS but as we are barely Christmas Catholics and are not 'registered' we were told it would take at least 6 months and they would need to feel our 'attendance' was real not just so we could get our baby baptized. Created much consternation on our part and I tried to get the parish my mother has been in for over 40 years to consider baptism but the very real feeling I got was that without a proper and current money trail there would be no baptism for us.

Long story short my mother's parish of 40+ years is out of her will and a very nice friend of mine who is an ordained minister and member of the Episcopal branch of the Franciscans performed a wonderful ceremony in my mother's back yard, we ate some awesome catered BBQ and all were happy heathens and Catholics alike.

I wish you better luck and please be sure to let us know how it goes.

I think we tried with St Joe's but not 100% sure and because of our 'address' we fell under OLS so you can go to any church you like but I think you are assigned for record keeping purposes geographically.

You all can laugh, but baptism is a commitment. You promise in front of your family, the congregation and God that you will raise your child in the faith and the congregation vows to help you. Don't go through the motions and waste the priest's time if you don't mean it. Get a backbone and tell your mother that this is not how you intend to raise your children. You can still go to church when you feel like it and your kid wont burst into flames when he walks through the door.

For countless reasons, my daughter & her husband are choosing not to baptize their third child. It breaks my heart, but it's their decision, not mine, and I have to respect it.

soorlady said:

You all can laugh, but baptism is a commitment. You promise in front of your family, the congregation and God that you will raise your child in the faith and the congregation vows to help you. Don't go through the motions and waste the priest's time if you don't mean it. Get a backbone and tell your mother that this is not how you intend to raise your children.

No laughing here. I explained exactly this to my mother and she still wanted the baptism. Our older daughter was baptized in South Philadelphia years ago and the process was far more reasonable. I explained the situation to my mother's parish priest who had only been with the parish for 6 months that I wouldn't lie to him and tell him that I would be attending church on a regular basis but I very much wished to honor my mother's wishes. He chose to punish my mother for my 'so-called' sins. That's fine. He said he wasn't punishing anyone by refusing to baptize our child according to a parishioner who had been with 'his' church for longer than he had been alive's wishes but rather I was punishing her for not being willing to be an obediant Catholic. So my bad …

I just wish he acted a little more like his boss

http://www.catholic.org/news/hf/faith/story.php?id=53862

I mean heck I'm even married for well over a decade and was married in the very church he was now Pastor of … I mean 11 1/2 years of Catholic school should count for something when you want to get your kid baptized to provide your mother with peace of mind.

But I guess you reap what you sow or some other catchy turn of phrase:

http://www.pewforum.org/2013/03/13/strong-catholic-identity-at-a-four-decade-low-in-us/

For the OP though I still think you should get your kid baptized to provide your mother peace of mind and I hope you find a process that works for you and goes smooth.

@afa -- small world! you mean St Joseph's on Sixth Avenue at Washington Place? We were married there almost 17 years ago. Loved that community & have yet to find anything comparable since we moved here -- please let me know if your searching leads you to a local church, and good luck!

Thanks, everyone, for the advice and input!

@capnmarko, we did exactly what you attempted to do for our first daughter. Joined a church in Brooklyn, but had her baptized at my parents' church. The Brooklyn church was pretty chill about membership and there were no issues. I fully intended to go to the Brooklyn church occasionally for "me time," because I do find the ritual of the mass comforting, but after a couple of times I remembered why I stopped going in the first place. I can't believe in the church teachings, no matter how hard I try.

But that's not to say my daughters won't find a connection to the church when they get older, so I want to leave that door open for them. I feel like being baptized keeps it open for future involvement, and at least honors their heritage in the church. And I may end up wanting to get involved in the church with them as they get older--motherhood and family can certainly change your perspective on things. And it's absolutely a gift to my mother, who has done so much for me and my family. Getting her grandchildren baptized in the faith that's so important to her is the least I can do. I absolutely understand why this would be off putting to some people in the church, which is why I am treading lightly and hoping to find a place I'm comfortable with. I am going into this with the absolute best intentions possible and I don't want to offend anyone. @soorlady, I absolutely understand where you're coming from, and I really appreciate your post.

It's unfortunate that the all-or-nothing sentiment in the church closes the door on future involvement for so many families like mine. I get the sense that Catholicism isn't something people frequently convert to without having a family connection, so I hope that my girls knowing that the first step of "belonging" is completed might make it more interesting for them to explore Catholicism if they ever start looking for spiritual guidance in the future.

But at the end of the day, I have no idea what we're going to end up doing. I would feel weird having one kid baptized and one not, though.

@beppolina, yup!

I'm not Catholic, but one of my grandchildren (and her mother) is - I thought the priest at St. Joseph's was very warm and open (if he's still there- this was 2 years ago). This was her mother's home church though so I've no idea what the "rules" might be for someone who is not directly connected to the parish. My two grandsons are Methodists - on paper.

afa said:

I feel like being baptized keeps it open for future involvement, and at least honors their heritage in the church. And I may end up wanting to get involved in the church with them as they get older--motherhood and family can certainly change your perspective on things. And it's absolutely a gift to my mother, who has done so much for me and my family. Getting her grandchildren baptized in the faith that's so important to her is the least I can do. I absolutely understand why this would be off putting to some people in the church, which is why I am treading lightly and hoping to find a place I'm comfortable with. I am going into this with the absolute best intentions possible and I don't want to offend anyone. @soorlady, I absolutely understand where you're coming from, and I really appreciate your post.

It's unfortunate that the all-or-nothing sentiment in the church closes the door on future involvement for so many families like mine. I get the sense that Catholicism isn't something people frequently convert to without having a family connection, so I hope that my girls knowing that the first step of "belonging" is completed might make it more interesting for them to explore Catholicism if they ever start looking for spiritual guidance in the future.

I 100% agree

We served as sponsors for Confirmations and were required to fill out a form with basic information and include the name of our church and show proof that we were registered parishioners. We got a letter from our church office verifying that we were registered with our parish and provided that to the church where the children were being confirmed. That's the way it goes these days.

You're not stranger to the Church, so nothing I say will be news to you. Why not visit a couple of the Churches, get reacquainted and see if it means anything to YOU before you follow through with Baptism! If it does not, why bother with it? A Baptism, without parental follow-through is empty. To get the Baptism done, you'll be joining a Parish community. This is not like joining a country club and shouldn't be undertaken lightly. The premise is that the community will be there for you and you'll be there for the community. I'm not 100% sure what you mean by "a little liberal". Personally, I'm "a lot liberal" and have been a comfortable member of all three of the Parishes mentioned here at one time or another. Dogma is dogma. There's no getting around it. But you'll hear the same Gospel and receive the same Sacraments no matter where you go. Give it a shot!!

@ridski......was the wedding you went to at St. Rose the one that had that huge bus out front?

I didn't see a bus when I left, but I wouldn't discount it.

Saw the bride and groom come out and get in their "bridal car" and this huge (empty) bus followed them out. I guess the couple stayed in the church after the guests left.....didn't see anyone come out of the church, other than the couple. Must have been a big wedding!

If you want a nice Catholic CHurch check out St. Rose of Lima in Short Hillls.

Is it common in the Catholic church that emphasis is placed on being part of the Parish? As opposed to the salvation side of it? I always assumed the latter is why Catholics feel strongly about it; that if you're a believer, you want the baby to participate in that sacrament whether the family ultimately attends church or not.

The Catholic church has members from surrounding towns. Many from Maplewood go to St. Rose
You may be asked to join the Parish and since you plan to attend occasionally you could join

Seton Hall used to have a "community mass" in its' chapel on Sunday mornings. A small congregation of regulars seemed to attend it each week. Among other things, Baptisms were performed during that mass. I'm not sure Seton Hall's Chapel still celebrates that community mass every Sunday morning. However, if you live near the campus and are even remotely interested, you could call Seton Hall and find out. BTW -- The chapel's interior is stunning. If nothing else, it's worth a visit.

TarheelsInNj said:

Is it common in the Catholic church that emphasis is placed on being part of the Parish? As opposed to the salvation side of it? I always assumed the latter is why Catholics feel strongly about it; that if you're a believer, you want the baby to participate in that sacrament whether the family ultimately attends church or not.

You'd think that would be the most important thing, right? That the baby is saved from eternal damnation regardless of whether the parents go to church (and, ahem,make donations) regularly...

You're not Catholic, are you?

TarheelsInNj said:

Is it common in the Catholic church that emphasis is placed on being part of the Parish? As opposed to the salvation side of it? I always assumed the latter is why Catholics feel strongly about it; that if you're a believer, you want the baby to participate in that sacrament whether the family ultimately attends church or not.

Ah, yet another reason I'm not a practicing Catholic. Grew up in a Church owned house...the stories I could tell. Add that to the 12 years of Catholic school, the last 4 being an all girls HS, and all the sh!t that's hit the fan (pedophile scandal, punishing the nuns, etc...) I am so done with major religion.

Grew up dirt poor. Church threw us out of the house we rented from them. No strike that, threatened us to make us leave. Yes, I kid you not - a childhood memory is my mother yelling at my father not to get the rifle out of the hall closet "Not in front of the children!" when the parish 'handyman' came over to 'tell' us that we needed to find a new place to live. Oh, and when we weren't moving fast enough, someone threw a rock through the living room window.

Almost got thrown out the grade school because my parents didn't put enough in the collection plate. I learned quite a bit of exactly how the Church 'runs'.

That being said - I did have my child baptised at OLS. Was a parishioner - for a few months before the birth. Left shortly after because nothing being said meant anything to me...that and oh...the mountains of hypocrisy. For a brief moment I thought things could be different. Nope. The pedophole scandle broke shortly after that.

Nope. I'm done.

Try burying someone in a Catholic cemetery, especially an older person who in the last years of her life was essentially home bound and not a member of a parish. Despite proof that my mother was a Catholic, that she had a Catholic funeral (except oops, priest was too busy to attend and sent a deacon in his stead, still had to pay full price for service) and ownership of the burial plot full of her other relatives, I am having no luck getting my mother's cremains buried because I cannot get a letter from her pastor. One would think they'd be happy I am willing to shell out for the ridiculous fees the archdiocese wants to charge.

wow - really? Does not bode well for MIL - FIL was cremated, and got passed around family members for a while in a lovely box. The original plan was to take him to his plot of land in Ireland - never did that. We have him now - intended to inter him at the same time MIL goes. But mwnewbie's post tells me that might be problematic since she only set foot in a church for weddings & funerals.

afa said:

TarheelsInNj said:

Is it common in the Catholic church that emphasis is placed on being part of the Parish? As opposed to the salvation side of it? I always assumed the latter is why Catholics feel strongly about it; that if you're a believer, you want the baby to participate in that sacrament whether the family ultimately attends church or not.

You're not Catholic, are you?

Nope. We're religious, but Methodist. My understanding has always been that Catholic sacraments are more "formal." There are certain Christian beliefs we all share (like, you know, Christ) but a lot of specifics where we differ- hence the whole split between Catholics and Protestants. But anyway. Baptism for us is still important but focuses more on welcoming the baby as a child of God, a covenant to raise the child on faith, etc as opposed to saving their souls from eternal damnation.

I was being a little tongue in cheek--your Methodist way of thinking about it is lovely and what baptism SHOULD be about.

But most folks who were raised Catholic, as joy and mwnewbie have experienced, know that The Church, rather than the uncapitalized "people," comes first (it's so telling that my phone automatically capitalizes "church" after I type "Catholic"). But an abstract entity like "The Church" shouldn't come before the actual human beings it's supposed to help and inspire--yet, that happens incredibly frequently in Catholicism. And that's probably a big part of the reason why I know way more people who were "raised Catholic" than I know actual practicing Catholics.

It's a shame. There are wonderful parts of Catholicism that I love -- and I think Pope Francis is doing his darnedest to bring those parts to the forefront -- but there are some serious, serious flaws which make it so difficult for many people to practice. And when those people want to honor their heritage (like mwnewbie's mother) and make sure their family is open to the positive parts of the religion (like being baptized), they get shut out because they don't belong (and donate) to a parish.

I get wordy and off topic at 2am. Apologies to all.

You might want to try Notre Dame of Mt Carmel in Cedar Knolls. I know its a bit of a schlep (15 miles away), but its run by the monks and the pastor is phenomenal. It might be just what you're looking for. Ask to speak with Fr. Jude.

Honestly, I don't think money has anything to do with it.
We're registered members of OLS but they have no idea what we give or don't give. I never remember the collection envelopes and just put a few dollars in the plate. If they keep track, we have a big goose egg zero next to our names. And despite that, I've never had an issue getting whatever paperwork I need for sacraments at OLS or elsewhere.
I've been godparent in a couple baptisms and had our kids baptized in the parishes where we grew up.

@jayjayp - do you know if Notre Dame of Mt Carmel has a regular mass with more modern music (a folk mass would be fine)?

I am always amazed when I read how the Church is considered more like a party venue than a religious institution. People ignore the obligations of "membership" but demand access to the facilities and balk at any fees! In what other universe would such an arrangement be demanded?

When we held a funeral service for our son at OLS a couple of months ago, the costs for church, (including stipends) soloist and organist were less than what the Star-Ledger wanted for a brief obituary! As we had made all the funeral arrangements, without a funeral home involved, all the expenses were clearly defined.

Baptizing a child in the RC church is a first step, parents and Godparents promise to insure the child grow into the faith given, receive religious instruction, make his /her First Holy Communion, and Confirmation.

In regard to cremains, we will join our son in a niche at a mausoleum. The Church does not recommend cremains be schlepped around, but rather given inurnment with dignity. (Frankly, in my worst moments, I fear the cat might knock my urn off a mantle in my DIL's house and I end up in a vacuum cleaner.) I am grateful for the Church's dignity rules!

@katiemcc - for someone walking in off the street it has everything to do with money. It could be a different story if you are a recognizable parishioner. Although they know there is a "goose egg" next to your name (and believe me, they do), they recognize you. Perhaps you have lent your time or talents to one of their efforts - that all counts too.