How Much or What to Give for Bar Mitzvah? archived

I think what you came up with is just fine. Long Island neighborhood politics can be brutal, but if this is you nephew's best friend, I don't think the family will think twice about the amount.

There will probably be people giving absurd gifts. That's the bar mitzvah scene on the Island. But a decent amount and something more personal between the boys would be perfectly acceptable and thoughtful.

Too late now, but the frugal choice would have been to send only the son, unless the parents are really good friends...then you could give the standard $36 or $54 peer gift.

If all are going, I'd agree $180 or $218 certainly suffices, unless they are trying to show off. You aren't meant to break even when you throw a bar mitzvah! We did one with evening party at the synagogue earlier this year, and I can tell you that no one went as high as your sister is thinking...even those with two adult children in attendance didn't go that high.

Is it just me or are all of these life-passage celebrations - Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, Weddings, etc. out of control these days?

I thought I was being very generous recently when we gave $72 to a Bar Mitzvah boy (neighbor) and now this makes it sound like we were stingy.

My sister is very good friends with the boy's mother. The boy's father died 10 years ago. My sister and her husband are very excited to be going and definitely did not want to decline. Sac, I do think $72 if the whole family attended is a bit on the low side- if just the kid attended, it would have been more than enough. I am also glad to hear that $500 would be far outside of the norm. It isn't so much that she wants to show off, it is more her insecurities and wanting people to like her (which they already do) driving the thinking around $500. In all honesty, if she gives even the $200 range, I am sure one of her bills isn't getting paid this month. I will tell her about the responses and suggest $180 or $218.

I haven't been to a bar or bat mitzvah in 30 years so I don't really remember what we gave back them but I seem to recall my mother sending us with $50 checks for the kid.

sac said:

Is it just me or are all of these life-passage celebrations - Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, Weddings, etc. out of control these days?

I thought I was being very generous recently when we gave $72 to a Bar Mitzvah boy (neighbor) and now this makes it sound like we were stingy.

Sac, I think we have to be very careful in calling other people's decisions out of control.

In our case (this year's bat mitzvah), we had relatives coming from far away (Georgia, upstate NY, etc) for a big family gathering, honoring a child who worked very hard, on top of all other commitments in her life. Many of these relatives may no longer be around by the time the kiddies get married. Once they have traveled so far, we are going to feed them a full meal and throw a good party. It's just our turn to throw the family reunion....these events keep the family in touch, and we are taking our turn forging a link in the chain of shared weddings and bar/bat mitzvahs. Did we keep it less expensive and elaborate than some we've seen? Absolutely. But I'm sure someone would consider it "out of control" simply because we had a full meal, drinks, and live music....

In our experience, most of the bigger gifts (the $180 and up gifts from couples/families) are part of a system of family/friend reciprocity....we all give to the college funds of each others children, as long as they go through the substantial work of becoming bar/bat mitzvah. It is just an inter-generational transfer of wealth, rather than payment for attending a fancy party. Our non-Jewish friends, who are often not part of this system, tend to give lesser gifts, and no one thinks the worse of them or it!

I am going to one this weekend, a good friend from my childhood's kid. Due to uncontrollable circumstances, only one of my kids and I will be able to attend. I was thinking $180 also, since we are good friends. I think for my kid's sweet 16 she and her two girls came and gave a little less.
I don't think I should give less, not sure how much more I would give if all 5 of us went.

This whole concept of giving more because more people are going from your family is something I personally am not comfortable with, although I surely do understand why folks think this way.

First of all, you are giving a gift to the celebrant. You are not reimbursing the family for the party and meal, and there should be no relation between the two. If the family wants to and can afford to invite more than one person in my family, then that is nice of them to do. The fact that they do so means I probably would give more simply because we have a much tighter bond as family units and (as susan1014 says so well) I am more likely to want to contribute to their child's college fund since they are more a part of my community. But it has nothing to do with how many of us attend the ceremony or party. It has everything to do with what I want to (or can afford to) give to the celebrant to, well, celebrate their accomplishment.

Second, if your sister is that close with this family then they probably realize that ANYTHING she gives comes from the heart because it is going to hurt a bit. If she is giving and not paying a bill, then that is nuts--sweet of her, but nuts. She was invited to celebrate what is supposed to be an important rite of passage (although the kids probably do not feel it is anything more than a great relief to get past), and that is the big thing. When I invite folks to my wife's birthday party, I do not expect them to give a gift and frankly I will tell them not to--the gift is to share this moment with them in our lives, the gift is having them there with us. I am not being all fuzzy brained or kumba ya on this--I am willing to bet that this family feels exactly this way about your sister. I have two kids in college, one who just got out, three who I am supporting although they are not in college but live away, and a 5 year old I will be sending to college some day (I hope). I give what I can give when I am invited to recent bar mitzvahs, and I assume my friends understand that it will be somewhere between $36 to $72 depending on my cash flow at that time. If they don't, well, so it goes because I am not going to miss paying a bill because of a bar or bat mitzvah. And some months it is exactly that tight for me.

I hope your sister gives what she can reasonably afford and attends with a full heart of love for this family that she is so close with. I am certain they will be thrilled to have her share the day with them regardless of the size of her gift, or even if she gives nothing at all. And if not, then perhaps she needs to rethink her bonds with this family.

This is all nuts....So glad my kids were not popular enough to have more than one or two bar/bat mitvahs each year.

$180 is perfect. Unless your sister or BIL is a business partner of the kid's parent, $500 is way too much.

$180 is too much if it means not paying a bill that month.

mfpark said:

$180 is too much if it means not paying a bill that month.

I agree. Giving a gift shouldn't hurt. How would you feel if someone gave you a gift that you KNEW they couldn't afford?

Some times we were up financially and sometimes down, but whatever amount check we gifted, we would include an additional small gift card for the child, figuring that the checks would wind up in a savings account but they'd get to enjoy iTunes.

Can I ask another question? .... what is gift you give as a school friend invited to a bar mitzvah?

Also, what is suitable dress for an evening event? - specifically what should boy wear for evening "dress to party" .... in very nice venue, or "dress deluxe"

boomie said:

This is all nuts....So glad my kids were not popular enough to have more than one or two bar/bat mitvahs each year.

LOL

Hey Trinity did we miss your birthday?

Thanks for asking...no, it's on the 17th.

sarinkag said:

Can I ask another question? .... what is gift you give as a school friend invited to a bar mitzvah?

Also, what is suitable dress for an evening event? - specifically what should boy wear for evening "dress to party" .... in very nice venue, or "dress deluxe"

$18 or $36.

For an evening party in a "very nice venue" -- nice chinos, button-down shirt, comfortable dress shoes.

susan - I didn't intend to imply that any particular family's decision was "out of control" but rather that the whole genre of celebrations has just gotten racheted WAY up to the point where there are expectations of those throwing the parties that seem unreasonable to me. Sorry if it came off the other way as that was certainly not my intent.

Also, I do need to say that I have a BIG problem with all the wearable Bar/Bat Mitzvah "favors" that invariably come to school on the following Monday and make those who were not invited feel left out. There ought to be an etiquette rule somewhere about that!

Sac, I agree with you about the Bar/Bat Mitzvah shirts/wearable favors, etc. Almost bully-ish in the exclusion the non-invited kids must feel. And - I might add - very much not in the spirit of becoming a Bar/Bat Mitzvah, whose meaning is actually to become a Jewish "adult", at age 12/girls, 13/boys (Jewish women and men). Hurting and embarrassing others (i.e., with these T-shirts) is actually against halacha (Jewish law).

As for "appropriate" gifts, I don't think any amount is too little or too much. A relevant gift is just as good as money (i.e., Judaica, or something else meaningful for the young person).

I personally find it shocking that friends would consider giving amounts like $200 or more (yes even if a whole family is invited). For my own wedding ! (which I would think might inspire more expensive gifts, if anything, than a Bar/Bat Mitzvah), no one gave over $250 except for very very close family and extremely generous friends (which shocked me all the same).

Any amount of money for a gift, however, from $36 to $50 to $100, etc, is perfectly acceptable. Multiples of 18 are particularly significant and nice (as 18 symbolizes life or "chai" in Judaism).

If someone finds giving even a gift of $36 a hardship it is understood that they should not give. No one is expected to not pay a bill for a Bar Mitzvah (or wedding) gift.

sac, absolutely. I find it insane. There's so much keeping up with the Joneses. And I hate to perpetuate the stereotype, but the worst seem to be on Long Island. I shouldn't say this publicly with my name on it, but a relative of mine had over-the-top parties for her kids.

Too much (not saying that everyone overdoes it, but . . .).

http://blog.jerseystreetfurniturerental.com/

QED.

sac said:

Also, I do need to say that I have a BIG problem with all the wearable Bar/Bat Mitzvah "favors" that invariably come to school on the following Monday and make those who were not invited feel left out. There ought to be an etiquette rule somewhere about that!

I so completely agree wit you sac...

trinity said:

sac said:

Also, I do need to say that I have a BIG problem with all the wearable Bar/Bat Mitzvah "favors" that invariably come to school on the following Monday and make those who were not invited feel left out. There ought to be an etiquette rule somewhere about that!

I so completely agree wit you sac...

The rule at our house is that you don't wear anything to school anytime soon after the bar/bat mitzvah, so that there is never a show of massed clothing to show who was and wasn't invited. However, right now, sweatshirts from last year's b'nai mitzvot are a major piece of my kid's fall wardrobe.

The reality is that, by age 13, no one has parties and invites everyone, and keeping the shirts home forever won't hide that fact. My kid knows when there is a big party she isn't invited to, with or without the sweatshirts. Hopefully no one excludes just a few people either (although it occasionally happens, I think).

Having said that, we were not about to do wearable favors for our daughter's bat mitzvah. We considered beach towels, but in the end went with a token gift and a big charitable donation in the name of the teen guests (some of whom were disappointed by the limited take-homes, I'm afraid!)

Kol hakavod lach susan

I think it's interesting that nobody seems concerned about what to wear to the actual Bat/Bar Mitzvah. Hint: Bat/Bar Mitzvah, although technically referring to a young woman or man, usually refers to part of a Saturday morning (Sabbath) service in a synagogue. As in: the reception is not the wedding; the festivities are not the Bat/Mitzvah.

chopin said:

I think it's interesting that nobody seems concerned about what to wear to the actual Bat/Bar Mitzvah. Hint: Bat/Bar Mitzvah, although technically referring to a young woman or man, usually refers to part of a Saturday morning (Sabbath) service in a synagogue. As in: the reception is not the wedding; the festivities are not the Bat/Mitzvah.

Maybe everyone here already knows what to wear to synagogue...it is the crazy descriptions of evening attire that give us pause ("casual dressy" is one of my favorites).

They knew what ton wear and all had a great time except for nephew who said it was really good but could have been great if his parents weren't there LOL Seriously, they all enjoyed it. Sister gave $218 from her family and said she was happy to give it even if it was a little bit of a hardship. At least I got her out of the $500 craziness.

What about what to give if you can't attend a family bar mitzvah? Is it customary to send a gift to a cousin even if you can't attend, and would be a similar amount as if you did attend?

Except for the closest relatives, you can give a much smaller gift if you are not attending...in our families, lots of checks for $36/54/72 seem to go back and forth among those too far-flung to attend the party. Also some number of small pieces of jewelry, etc., in spite of the fact that it is hard to guess taste of kids you don't see often...

Or an Amazon gift card for the amounts mentioned by susan.