Houseguests marriage is dissolving
Tough situation. No more or better advice than already given, but wish you luck with it!
In tough situations like this, I like to use "get ups" rule to get me through it. Only 3 more getsups, then 2, then 1...
Wishing you many moments of normalcy between your next getups.
Wishing you many moments of normalcy between your next getups.
How long are they staying? I'd suck it up and be gracious about it. Id also be surprised if they don't know they are being heard. Very sad.
I am sure that to them their problems are all consuming and powerful. The fact that they are at least trying to keep the noise level down is a difficult effort on their part. If it is any consolation, please appreciate their effort to not disturb you, even though it does not work completely.
I know the situation sucks, but it will be over, and hopefully you will have some vacation still left to enjoy. My sympathy goes out to all.
I know the situation sucks, but it will be over, and hopefully you will have some vacation still left to enjoy. My sympathy goes out to all.
Luckily neither is aggressive or violent, just irritable, jumpy, easily "slighted" and heart-wrenchingly sad.
Thank you all.
My husband arrives tonight and I am hoping for a change in the dynamic of the household...and some sleep!
Thank you all.
My husband arrives tonight and I am hoping for a change in the dynamic of the household...and some sleep!
your husband's arrival on the scene may actually introduce a new moment of ''normalcy'' for all, since you will be relating couple to couple, so to speak. The sitch you described is indeed heart-wrenching to be in, to witness and/or to be part of in anyway. I hope the weekend shapes up for you better than you have had so far. Summer beach houses are so much fun but yes, thin walls that come along with an oldie but goodie down the shore do not leave much room for privacy. So sorry you're dealing with this, yet, having recently been in the position of fragile and easily-slighted, (for different reasons entirely but it still applies…) I know being in that place is no bucket of laughs either. I think you have been a very compassionate host thus far and you should definitely try to get some relief at this point. You're entitled to enjoy your family vacay and time together! Best wishes for a good weekend and following!
I'll never forget hearing my sister-in-law arguing with my brother during the night while they were staying at my parents' place about his rude family (gulp). I was a stupid teen at the time and I apologized the next morning for upsetting her, they were gone within a 1/2 hour. She was thoroughly embarrassed that I heard them/listened (and extremely hormonally pregnant, but....that's sort of a side note).
I would not say anything to either of them. Ride it out and never have them over again...
I would not say anything to either of them. Ride it out and never have them over again...
@tigerlilly It's so sweet that you apologized. She was right to be embarrassed.
annemarie said:
@tigerlilly It's so sweet that you apologized. She was right to be embarrassed.
Thanks for the comforting words, @annemarie. I still feel badly about it....and that was over 25 years ago.... But, I'll be seeing them both next week in celebration of my mom's 80th birthday, so I suppose we've gotten past it.
Life can be tough. And sometimes we deal with stuff at the worst times ever. Thank God for people who are loving, understanding, and supportive. Those are true friends.
mammabear said:
Life can be tough. And sometimes we deal with stuff at the worst times ever. Thank God for people who are loving, understanding, and supportive. Those are true friends.
wallflower said:
mammabear said:
Life can be tough. And sometimes we deal with stuff at the worst times ever. Thank God for people who are loving, understanding, and supportive. Those are true friends.
I've been "that couple." Years back, TX & I split up, but agreed to keep it quiet until after a family wedding. We didn't want to distract from their joyous occasion. Looking back, it was a real mistake: there was a lot of pain, anger & resentment. It was also emotionally confusing, because we continued to appear in public as a "couple." After 20 years, the familiarity & fondness don't go away, so when we got home, behind closed doors & went to our separate corners of the house, the schit & pressure of the daytime charade would hit the fan.
When the wedding weekend arrived, the charade was almost unbearable. Being away from home, sharing a room, surrounded by family & friends all day: gawd-awful. I may not be exaggerating when I say it was one of the most painful things I've gone thru, including my mother's death.
I suspect that your guests are as uncomfortable and exhausted as you are. Say nothing, unless you feel close enough to one to let them know that you are there to listen if they need to talk. One of the more shocking & hurtful things I discovered is that "couple friends" often run away as fast as they can, as if marital problems are contagious.
You will recover from this far sooner than will they. And they will look back at some point and feel horrible that they ruined your vacation.
When the wedding weekend arrived, the charade was almost unbearable. Being away from home, sharing a room, surrounded by family & friends all day: gawd-awful. I may not be exaggerating when I say it was one of the most painful things I've gone thru, including my mother's death.
I suspect that your guests are as uncomfortable and exhausted as you are. Say nothing, unless you feel close enough to one to let them know that you are there to listen if they need to talk. One of the more shocking & hurtful things I discovered is that "couple friends" often run away as fast as they can, as if marital problems are contagious.
You will recover from this far sooner than will they. And they will look back at some point and feel horrible that they ruined your vacation.
lizziecat said:
Tell them to go home.
^ THIS ^
Call me bitchy, but I don't see why they'd agree to go away with others under their strains and circumstances. The cozy sometimes during the day and vipers at night is not cute. That behavior makes it awkward for everyone in the house. Do they know you guys can hear them?
We had a couple like this and it was just exhausting. Not faulting them, but you can't have it both ways. You can't be in a marital SOS and still wish to be social. They didn't hide their misery and made it awkward for anyone who came into contact with them. It's very sad to see people whom you like spin out of control but their whirlwind needs to be contained and not released around others.
A wedding is different, it is one of those things where you suck it up and go while trying to keep the issue under wraps since catering (usually per person) has already been paid for, etc. But for a week away as a guest in someone's vacation home they should have just made an excuse and not gone.
Tell them in clear unmistakable language that this is your vacation and that if they can not and will not get their act together to leave immediately. People like this deserve to be told the blunt truth not to be pussy foot around. Why should your family suffer because these people are so self centered and uncaring.
^ +1 Don't sacrifice your or your family's happiness because of your clearly self absorbed friends' mishegas.
I'm not saying that Kmk's family should have to put up with this or are evil if they don't. But I do think that those of you who are being really harsh & judgmental may be a bit over the top. Chances are that this couple just can't see it or truly doesn't know what to do.
Few things will screw up your head & judgment like a marriage falling apart. I would put this squarely in the, "if you haven't been there...." category.
It is possible to be compassionate and aggravated at the same time.
Few things will screw up your head & judgment like a marriage falling apart. I would put this squarely in the, "if you haven't been there...." category.
It is possible to be compassionate and aggravated at the same time.
greenetree said:
I'm not saying that Kmk's family should have to put up with this or are evil if they don't. But I do think that those of you who are being really harsh & judgmental may be a bit over the top. Chances are that this couple just can't see it or truly doesn't know what to do.
Few things will screw up your head & judgment like a marriage falling apart. I would put this squarely in the, "if you haven't been there...." category.
It is possible to be compassionate and aggravated at the same time.
We'll said.
You said it much better and gentler than the post I managed to delete before submitting it yesterday.
Thanks, gt.
Thanks, gt.
Thank you all. I am squarely in Greentree's camp but I would just switch the word order.
I have been feeling aggravated but have remained compassionate.
The household dynamic changed when an additional "raft" of house guests, including my husband, arrived last Friday.
Good news: Every night, beginning Friday, has been quiet. Bad News: pretty hurtful "zingers" are being thrown around during the day now. Strange thing is they are directed to everyone but each other.
The couple is holding it together in such a way as to appear at they are at peace but you can tell the emotions are simmering underneath when their snarky, judgmental comments - about everything and everybody else - begin to fly.
Believe it or not, I have 5 household members leaving today and 7 others arriving tomorrow.
Oh how I long for quiet reflective mornings, ;-)
I have been feeling aggravated but have remained compassionate.
The household dynamic changed when an additional "raft" of house guests, including my husband, arrived last Friday.
Good news: Every night, beginning Friday, has been quiet. Bad News: pretty hurtful "zingers" are being thrown around during the day now. Strange thing is they are directed to everyone but each other.
The couple is holding it together in such a way as to appear at they are at peace but you can tell the emotions are simmering underneath when their snarky, judgmental comments - about everything and everybody else - begin to fly.
Believe it or not, I have 5 household members leaving today and 7 others arriving tomorrow.
Oh how I long for quiet reflective mornings, ;-)
Well I guess the revenge is playing out their situation on a web bulletin board without their knowledge or consent.
@kmk are long solitary walks out of the question? A peaceful walk in the morning might help center you.
@Kmk, I don't have any advice but I did want to say: you are an awesome friend. Do something nice for yourself, you deserve it! (PS If I knew you and was there, I would take you out for the biggest margarita in sight and a long walk on the beach, not necessarily in that order.)
Woot said:
greenetree said:
I'm not saying that Kmk's family should have to put up with this or are evil if they don't. But I do think that those of you who are being really harsh & judgmental may be a bit over the top. Chances are that this couple just can't see it or truly doesn't know what to do.
Few things will screw up your head & judgment like a marriage falling apart. I would put this squarely in the, "if you haven't been there...." category.
It is possible to be compassionate and aggravated at the same time.
We'll said.
True but why do they have to give up a slice of their happiness to accommodate them? They are their friends, not their therapists. As friends, you can only do so much to smooth over the situation. Unless I'm reading the OP wrong, it sounds like a tense environment for all involved.
Aug 4, 2014 at 3:21am Edited
greenetree said:
I'm not saying that Kmk's family should have to put up with this or are evil if they don't. But I do think that those of you who are being really harsh & judgmental may be a bit over the top. Chances are that this couple just can't see it or truly doesn't know what to do.
Few things will screw up your head & judgment like a marriage falling apart. I would put this squarely in the, "if you haven't been there...." category.
It is possible to be compassionate and aggravated at the same time.
Totally agree with this. That couple's world is falling apart. Rise above it to offer support and sympathy.
(I posted this before I saw your note above that says you are doing just that! Glad the dynamic changed with other guests' arrival. But with all those guests, a peaceful vacation might have been a very optimistic expectation.
)
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