Houseguests marriage is dissolving

PeggyC said:
If she does come, you might want to rehearse some conversational comebacks in your mind so she doesn't get the bit between her teeth and drag everyone down. If she starts about how unhappy she is, you could say, "I know, and that's why being here is so great, because you can distract yourself and not dwell on it the whole time." If she persists, you can say, "I think you will feel better sooner if you try not to keep hashing it over verbally." If she keeps going after that, you could try to tactfully say, "This is my vacation time, too, and while I know you're in a lot of pain, I would like us to try to have a good time together so you can begin to heal, and that means not talking about it so much."

This! I have a girlfriend who is really negative every time that we get together for no real reason. But she sees her world as so sad and empty while she believes that everyone's is honky dory. Anyhow, whenever I talk to her and or have dinner with her, I spend most of dinner trying to "improve" her mood. As soon as I notice that she is starting down the path of self pity I tell her "this is a joyful time, and I want you to have a great evening so let's talk about something happy or interesting". I usually have a list of current events or gossip to discuss. Once I start talking about someone else's troubles, she typically forgets about her own, or perhaps realizes how silly she is acting.

No beating around the bush. You need to be direct and honest and loving. Tell her now. Remind her right before the trip, and again the moment she starts. Say something like.

You know how much we love you, and we are so glad you and your grandson are coming to share our very special family time at the beach house.

We are so very sorry for the pain you are going through. We have tried to be supportive and listen and ease your pain. But, we feel your continuing to dwell on this is destructive. And, it's become difficult for us to listen to. Your grief and sadness has dominated our relationship for almost a year. And that has to change.

We sympathize and we are sorry, because we love you and want you to be happy. But , we have to ask, even insist that during your visit, during this precious family vacation time, this topic be left behind, at home.

We realize that this might be too difficult for you, and if that is the case we understand if you choose to stay home.

No beating around the bush. You need to be direct and honest and loving. Tell her now. Remind her right before the trip, and again the moment she starts. Say something like.

You know how much we love you, and we are so glad you and your grandson are coming to share our very special family time at the beach house.

We are so very sorry for the pain you are going through. We have tried to be supportive and listen and ease your pain. But, we feel your continuing to dwell on this is destructive. And, it's become difficult for us to listen to. Your grief and sadness has dominated our relationship for almost a year. And that has to change.

We sympathize and we are sorry, because we love you and want you to be happy. But , we have to ask, even insist that during your visit, during this precious family vacation time, this topic be left behind, at home.

We realize that this might be too difficult for you, and if that is the case we understand if you choose to stay home.

PeggyC said:
If she does come, you might want to rehearse some conversational comebacks in your mind so she doesn't get the bit between her teeth and drag everyone down. If she starts about how unhappy she is, you could say, "I know, and that's why being here is so great, because you can distract yourself and not dwell on it the whole time." If she persists, you can say, "I think you will feel better sooner if you try not to keep hashing it over verbally." If she keeps going after that, you could try to tactfully say, "This is my vacation time, too, and while I know you're in a lot of pain, I would like us to try to have a good time together so you can begin to heal, and that means not talking about it so much."

I like this.

sarahzm said:
No beating around the bush. You need to be direct and honest and loving. Tell her now. Remind her right before the trip, and again the moment she starts. Say something like.
You know how much we love you, and we are so glad you and your grandson are coming to share our very special family time at the beach house.
We are so very sorry for the pain you are going through. We have tried to be supportive and listen and ease your pain. But, we feel your continuing to dwell on this is destructive. And, it's become difficult for us to listen to. Your grief and sadness has dominated our relationship for almost a year. And that has to change.
We sympathize and we are sorry, because we love you and want you to be happy. But , we have to ask, even insist that during your visit, during this precious family vacation time, this topic be left behind, at home.
We realize that this might be too difficult for you, and if that is the case we understand if you choose to stay home.

and this

What about simply sending her off to the beach with the little one for some quality time??

Although I really like the idea of putting her to work. Put her on laundry detail, plug in the vacuum and hand it to her, ask her if she will help out with the dishes while you make beds... anything that keeps her busy and gives you a helping hand would work. Especially if it gets her into a room where you are NOT.

Exactly what sarahzm said-no more no less at all. It is succinct and said with taste.

So much good advice!! I am ready to tell her to STFU if needed.

Last weekend I discussed the looming disaster with my husband. I told him that I am going to take a very stern attitude with his sister this summer. She has to make an attempt to be cheerful or get out of our house. Period. He supports me but he is pretty much in the dark about the drama and her histrionics - she saves all of her "girl talk" for me and says very little to him regarding her feelings, they were not a family big on communicating.

Our summer rental is, luckily, for more than 4 weeks. In theory I could leave when she arrives but I do not want to leave! Although the house is small it has enough beds, sofas and bunk beds to sleep 12 people.

My husband's parents rented this exact house through the 1960's and early 1970's. It is very sentimental to their family and we have carried on the tradition. We have been renting it for quite awhile now, inviting the siblings and their growing families to come and go as they please. This sister-in-law makes it an annual tradition to leave France and spend a week each summer in New England.

As suggested by @NizhoniGrrrl it has become a sort of reunion spot for my husband's far-flung members to gather each year after they spend some time with my MIL in Maplewood.

My grand-nephew(?) will be a wild card. I plan on reminding her daily that he is her responsibility but I may also find myself taking him on long walks to avoid her if needed. He does not speak much English and I will love the silence.

I realize another part of the aggravation of her visiting is that we are very different people. In addition to her innate negativity, SHE needs to be constantly busy, part of a large group of people, have music playing and acting like she is "up" (to distract her from the all of the "bad" stuff she obviously doesn't want to work through.) I am basically pretty damn cheerful and but I cherish my solitude and my quiet. Having impromptu dinner parties for 12 and dance parties late into the evening is my idea of hell on earth - especially when we are chilling at the beach. While I am willing to be a hostess, I need to establish who is the Queen in the house and communicate some basic house rules. She can manage her expectations accordingly.

Summer 2015 will be on my terms. I will no longer "hand-hold" or "lend an ear". Heck, my SIL even has a friend very near by in RI with a much more luxurious, EMPTY house. She has a standing invitation to stay there whenever she likes. I plan on showing her the door in my house if she can not pull herself together enough to behave like a reasonably pleasant individual. Eeyore can take his gray cloud and go elsewhere.

Brava!

Well said. Now, stick to your Queenly guns, KMK.

How about laying down the law with a discussion something like:

" in thinking about your upcoming visit to our home, X, I think it's only fair to tell you that I've had quite a spring with a, b & c going on and also a friend at home who is going through something similar to you. Because of this, *I really need a break this summer*. So, let's agree right now that we are not going to spend 24/7 rehashing feelings and drama. I'm going to ask that you sit with it or speak with your brother/my husband instead of me...I simply have nothing else to say or add that I have not said already and need a break. I know you will not have much time on your hands anyway, since you are responsible for (8yo kid). So please know that if you start to go on, I'm going to say "Mississippi" as my code word for let's please change the subject.

Also, we have had so much entertaining lately that I need your week in our home to be more low key this year, so please pick one night to have a dinner party and dancing...I know you enjoy that and want you to have that but only the one night. "

I applaud doulamomma for coming up with an appropriately worded way to lay down a tough line, hopefully without precipitating a family problem.

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(darn it, my comments keep double posting)

I'm learning so much here, for myself and my own ''rules'' … boundaries, I suppose, is another word for this discussion. Boundaries and how to enforce them. Thanks for everyone's comments as they are helpful to many of us.

In addition to the spot-on advice here, perhaps it would be good for you to carve out alone time for yourself. Are there places away from the house where you would enjoy going alone? Also, decide how many dinner parties you can tolerate, and be the calendar master for the house. Announce which nights will be party-free.

One way to shut some people up is to give the exact same response each time they continue to carry on. Make a script and keep to it. "I know that's rough, but I have nothing more to add" or something like that. Keep repeating it. She might feel rewarded when your responses change each time. By providing this scripted line, she might grow bored and realize that you really aren't a useful ear.

kmk - when I read what you describe, I can barely breathe! To look forward to a vacation while dreading the behavior of a troubled and needy house guest would upset me to no end. Hope the good advice posted here will support you in handling the situation and taking charge.

I like doulamomma's approach. Hopefully, guest will have her listening ears on. Good luck!

susan1014 said:
I applaud doulamomma for coming up with an appropriately worded way to lay down a tough line, hopefully without precipitating a family problem.

I do too. Coming from a family of 9 girls we only had one who was the drama queen. We spoke to her like this and she could not change her ways and now chooses not to participate in family gatherings. It's been 5 years and she finally let one sister back into her circle. We'll see what the next decade brings. We miss her terribly but NOT the chaos and drama that left us walking on eggshells around her.

All of us agree family reunions are much more peaceful without her.

We are 2 days away from the return of the houseguest. Deep breaths.

I have my "speaking points" about my expectations of her behavior on my phone and ready for my speech!

Of course, when she starts in on the dreaded topic, you could just take a page out of Monty Python's book and say something like, "My hovercraft is full of eels." That oughta keep her from talking to you.

But seriously, good luck. I know you must be dreading it.

Remember Metta Meditation:

May I be free from inner and outer harm and danger. May I be safe and protected.
May I be free of mental suffering or distress.
May I be happy.
May I be free of physical pain and suffering.
May I be healthy and strong.
May I be able to live in this world happily, peacefully, joyfully, with ease.

There's more to it, but that's a good start for where you are at

Good luck!

I know you are caught up with other more important things right now, but I was wondering how it went? I hope you got at least a little enjoyment during your vacation.

It may have paled into insignificance with what's been going on most recently. Quite the summer you are having, KMK. I'm sorry.