Greenemom's Place archived

I just don't have the energy to recreate the entire post from the old Blog, but things are on a major roller coaster right now.

It's not good, but we are waiting. Mom refuses to give in to being sick and there is nothing anyone can do except hope that she doesn't hurt herself.

More later. I just need to go home now.

[edited 10.27.07 to change Blog name]

Peace be with you and Greememom and the whole Greenetree family.

don't know what to say except I'll hold good thoughts & be thinking about you all!

Wishing you all whatever peace you can find, where ever you can find it. I admire your strength as well as your mom's.

Hang in there GT.
thinkin' about you and your mom....

We're with you here ...

greenetree,

We can only sit here and imagine what you and your loved ones are going through right now, but please know that there are a lot of people out here hoping and praying for you all.

SOP

As a good friend of mine says, peace and strength.

GT - good thoughts and prayers your way - accepting what you can't change and all that. Bless her heart for her fighting spirit that drives you all nuts - seems if she's going to go out, it's not going to be with a quiet wimper. Peace.

You know I'm thinking of all of you. Hang in there, my friend. We're here when you need us.

As everyone said in their own way, we're here for you and we're with you.

Hi all, thanks for your thoughts.

The thing is that we are at the beginning of the end in a much more sombering way but, given Mom, who the hell knows.

We're all planning on going home for Tgiving. I'm not sure that she'll be here, but then again, with Mom, you never know.

She's weak, hasn't eaten for a week (a nibble or soup here & there), finally went and got fluids when the doc himself called her and told her to; has been emotionally up & down because a bone scan was ordered and then cancelled after I talked to the doc.

She had to cancel her class yesterday which broke her heart. She can't really drive, is having trouble with the stairs and is doing her lesson plan for next week's class and asking me if we can make lemon pepper tilapia when I'm there in two weeks.

She absolutely Melted Down when I wanted to put one of those Lifelife systems in her house ("I've fallen and I can't get up"). She doesn't need it.

------ I apologize up the whazoo (it was bad). -------

So I'm overprotective. I'm sorry. I got it from you.

You didn't get this from me.

Yes, I did. Remember in 1977 when Son of Sam was running around Queens and you wouldn't let me go out in the middle of OH in case he came West?

That's different, you're my child.

Yeah, well. You are more likely to fall than I ever was to be shot by Son of Sam.

~ small giggle ~

She has not stopped planning and is struggling. She said to me the other night "I know that there's not much time left, but I still have things to do"

Mom: I made K promise me that she wouldn't let you kids invite GMF to my funeral. I told her that if she did, I would come back to haunt her.

Me: Mom, you can't say things like that to a very devout Catholic. It's not nice and puts her in a difficult position.

Baby Bro and his family are (finally) going to visit next week. GMF keeps calling Mom and arguing with her about when/where/who is going to pick her up to see the kids and how much time she gets to spend with them compared to my Dad and That Woman (his wife of 29 years).

As everything changes, all remains the same.

Oh, and thank you David Berkowitz. You helped diffuse a tense situation.

SOL - please tell us how things are on your end. How is your grandchild? Your M-I-L? Your visiting mom?

Still waiting for the test results with the Grandson.
Got good news with the nephew though - his tumor is inactive, no need for biopsy, he does need to have MRIs every few months to keep an eye on it, but otherwise, back to normal life.
MIL - finally got the referral to have a cortisone injection. Called Dr. to get an appointment, they expained the need for evaluation first, shot later. I explained that she was in excrutiating pain the night before, she's 90, and they don't understand what it's like to try to manage a 90 year old's health care and tests and still try to have a job. And I cried. We got a consultation and injection appt for the next day (yesterday). I took the morning off. She didn't want the shot. He can't give her the shot unless she agrees. I took her back home. Went to The Gate and had 2 Kettle & tonics and a nice shrimp ceasar salad. Didn't go back to work. Called SoOrLord and explained situation. He called his brother who lives in S. Jersey (and is fairly useless and in denial about his mother's heath and cognitive capabilities) and told him to come and get her. He did. Before she left I explained that it is exasperating for me when she rejects things that will make her better (the shot) or stronger (the walker - you don't even want to know about THAT conversation). So....
The plan was for me to take my mom to MD to visit with some relatives and I can do that and feel a bit better about MIL since she won't be home alone at my house. I think it's good that Denial Guy gets to have her for a few days.
We're leaving around noonish... and I'll be without a computer and virtual support group.

GT - so sorry you've reach this part of the circle. You know it has to be on her terms from this point on - so great that you can still make her laugh though. Stay strong - thoughts and prayers comin' your way.

GT, when my mum reached this stage the best thing was that I could be someone who let her be honest and who was honest with her. She kept organising and tidying up until the last week - we found extremely detailed lists of what we had to do for the next 10 months, after she went!!!!

Hurt like hell that she decided at the very end of her life to give away the things she had always earmarked for me, and that had been our treasures since I was a baby (no-one else in the family wanted them, yet she gave them to grandchildren of new neighbours down the street who will have thrown them out by now)...you know that stuff. Anyway, no-one else would let her talk about dying on her own terms, at her own pace. We all agreed that she could, but then everyone would tidy up around her and treat her like a small child. Your determination, your loyalty and your love come from her and she knows it - but it's hard to go and she knows you know that too. The small victories, the remaining dignities, the preservation of identity - these things matter as they reassure her that she will still count in your world. Hang in there, both of you - this part of the journey isn't pleasant but is a privilege in its own way, and you're special to have the strength to accompany her.

What I find amazing is that I realize that my mom and I have developed a true, deep-rooted friendship during her illness. We respect each other in a way that we never did before.

I wondered if I'd missed out on something by not being open to this before. Then realized that who she was and who I was made what we have now impossible.

It's easy to say "I should have" but it's not who we were. I have a few regrets about our past relationship, but am fundamentally OK with it. The irony is that my mom's illness is what made this possible.

I know that you are right about holding my breath, hoping for the best and letting her do it on her own terms. My biggest fear is that she will fall and be in pain and not be found for several hours. The weird thing is that we've gotten so close that the next stage will be easier and harder.

I'm glad that Denial Guy is taking his mom for a bit. Maybe he'll learn something from it. And you need the break. No one should have to take on everything that you have, SOL. Especially when there are other family members to help.

I've finally showered and dressed. Think I should wander to work now? :crazy:

As we'd say over here, GT - g'arn! (go on) Work is kind of like respite, isn't it?!

The trust is the hardest bit - the trust that even if she does fall, and does hurt, that's HER terms. She knew that was a possibility, and she accepted that. (Then pray like crazy it doesn't happen)

I found that talking this aspect of trust over with Mum brought a new respect from her to me, as an equal - not merely as a daughter, nor a junior friend, but an adult equal to life's tough bits. She learned to compromise a tad too, and accepted that she'd need some palliative care (which turned out not to be what anyone thought it would be, and was more of what she'd wanted in the first place).

Trust.

Go to work, greenetree. Work is order and the problems there are always more managable and certainly distracting. I know I've been my most effective at work when things were worst at home. Channelling or something, redirected anger...

I wonder if there's a voice activated life line thingy. Like a nursery monitor in every room so she could just holler out "I've fallen" or whatever. I'm sorry to hear things are at such a tough place. The lack of fluids/food can't be helping matters, not at all. Glad you guys chewed her out on that one (having been there with my dad, and with Curt last summer, GOD! the nutrition issue can be huge with the ramifications).

SOrLady, how the hell do you find time to work with all of this? As with greenetree, good deal that Denial Guy is taking care of HIS OWN MOTHER for a change. And glad to hear the good news on your nephew.

I know there is a personal alarm you can wear around your neck that will send a signal if you're not vertical. You might need to speak with an Occupational Therapist (physical therapist?) who specialises in people with complex communciation needs - not that that is what the issue is here, but because the system will allow more personal freedom without being 'chained'.

Cyn & Joanne - that is exactly the system that caused the meltdown. The button even comes in sleek wristwatch style. No go.

And forget the actually-affordable home health aide coming for an hour or two a day to make her food and keep her company while she eats.

She is relying on K to come everyday and take care of the cats and check up on her. It's the only thing that she's agreed to, because K has been there all along, so it's not a sign of "giving in".

We just have to wait until she's too weak; at that point, I pack up for OH and go put everything in place.

I am now going to call GMF and tell her that no, Baby Bro CANNOT come pick her up after he arrives next Friday because it is unreasonable and selfish of her to expect Mom and two three-year olds to be up and active at 9p.

We have a human-based system here called Telecross. A Red Cross volunteer (in this case, doesn't have to be) phones in at the same time every morning for 1 min - long enough for you to answer your phone, say 'Hi. I'm OK' and then hang up. There's also an emergency number you can call if you need it, and if you want to chat for longer you can. A minimal cost as the service is funded by the federal govt. Worth a try? That was what finally worked for my Mum - we got avol who spoke French and as Mum was French, getting a cheery 'Bonjour Madame Einhorn!' each morning was enough intrusion for her last 6 months. Worked out she didn't need it in the end.

So, greenetree, is she eating now? Is the not eating due to pain that gets in the way, or depression, or ??? Could you threaten Singing Ensure telegrams? Is the not eating a piece of what's got her so weak? I'm not blind to what you are saying about where the great circle of life is, just wondering if it's the worse for nutritional reasons. Hearing you, too, on the friendship -- had that with my dad.

Now that MOL is back and I slightly have the hang of this new mess, I'm a writing fool this morning. When at work this week and with the new format, I was stifled.

Curt's CEA is now 10, down from 12, which is good. Hoping, hoping. We'll see. His whiplash bugs him a lot but he wasn't up to driving Fri so I remade the chiro appointment for Monday. We'll see. It knocked the stuffing out of him. Supposed to get a check this week from Allstate to fix his car, so we'll be 1 car, 1.25 drivers for a few months anyway. While MOL was down much went on with insurance activities, and I had quite an education in PiP. Had a day in there when he took Skelaxin and I thought we were back to last summer's complete physical melt down. I mean, the guy is about the size of Nicole Richie and really can't handle one more pain related drug without going nearly comatose. Anyway, that was then and this is now.

You are managing this part with such grace. The friendship is what you will always have from this--all the panic,rage and tears will fade into distant memory, but the friendship will continue to shine on.Everything has changed you,but that is the gift you will keep always.

GMF's Greatest Hits

----re: finding out that my father is picking up my brother and his family from the airport next weekend ----
What time are they really coming in? They're not having dinner with their father, are they? I'M the grandmother, after all.

----re: my mother refusing to plan my adult brother's schedule during his visit -----
Your mother won't tell me anything. I'll call tomorrow and ask again. She won't let me see the children.

---- on being told (by Yours Truly) not to ask Mom one more time about Baby Bro's plans for next weekend because she is not doing well and is not planning anything ----
Well, I'm old. I have a right to know these things.

----- when told that I cannot be the only person "she can talk to openly (ha!) and that maybe she should call the Rabbi to chat----
I pay my dues, but haven't been to Temple since my husband died [29 years ago]. But he was very nice when he came over last year and since I'm not having a funeral and no one will remember to give him anything (?), I gave him one of the books of Psalms.
----- These are original, 15th century, hand illustrated, gold leafed, mint-condition books. It WAS a set of two. The Rabbi has visited her ONCE in 29 years & that was last year when she called him. -----

Other gems. In no particular order.

Well, I know what cancer is like. My husband died of cancer. But HE was nice to me.

I think it's very selfish that your mother won't take the twins [3 years old] to Selma's for Rosh Hashannah dinner. They are lovely and interesting people and the children will enjoy the company. [?!?!?!?!?]

I don't feel well either. I'm weak, too. And I'm not going to live that much longer either [from your mouth to G-d's ear]. But no one is paying any attention to me.

There are things that I've never told you and never will. But if it weren't for me, you wouldn't have had a roof over your head growing up.

----------- and this was all in one conversation ----------------

:hugging:

I'd hold a hand, too, if I could figure out how to without it looking too suggestive.

There's a new novel out by Kate someone (Grenville?) that looks at similar issues and family dynamics, and is apparently not only cathartic but also funny. Could be worth looking for and spreading around!

Seriously, I wish I could just sit quietly and hold your hand through this bit.

Greenetree....your strength and wit throughout this entire experience have been inspiring. The new, adult friendship-relationship is truly a gift and will be the part that stays with you, not the sickness.

Wishing you and your mom continued strength and peace.

Your mother's body is weak, but her spirit seems strong. Her spunk hasn't diminished a bit, has it?

Tom - we all agree that the last thing to go on Mom is gonna be her mouth. If there is a way to "haunt from the grave" she will find it. Or invent it.

I asked her the other day if her indomitable will to live is based on her fervent wish to stress GMF into her own grave. She said, "No, that's just a bonus."


So, on Friday, Mom tells me that she is craving roasted chicken. Great! Her neighbor will be home in a couple hours and can go to the store and get her some. I tell Normal that we need to have a real schedule of someone to stop in each day and bring her what she wants. He says that maybe we should have someone go grocery shopping twice a week.

I explain to him that when someone with no appetite craves chicken, you go get them a friggin' chicken. It ain't a twice-a-week thing no more.

As of yesterday, she wanted to cook her own chicken. She may not be up to driving, but she's sure as hell not going to sit around. Even if she does have to keep sitting down to rest.

I'm getting my roots done next week. I have a feeling that Mom is gonna make me gray all over & I'll need a double-process rather than just highlights by the time all this is over.

I guess this could be filed under "Cancer Art." Anyway, Curt started life as an illustrator (pretty literally -- he was the boy drawing really good cars and rocket ships in grade school and getting in trouble for inattention). Anyway, I came home one day to look at his latest "doodles" and saw this....I think his feelings about everything he's been through just channel to his hand and his sharpies!

And another, a little less cerebral...yeah, it's lunch time and I'm messing around.