Caregiving Thread: Sources, Answers and Support
I agree! Stay with your hubby. Forget temple. He may be unhappy, but it sounds like he usually is.
The problem is the dementias and his restlessness. BUT this is where we are luckier here than over there, although you have some similar services.
a) a fellow congregant who is also a friend and who lives nearby has said he will look after FIL for services (even though it's actually an inconvenience, but he doesn't want to say no. This is a real mitzvah and we are incredibly grateful. FIL could not manage a taxi, and there is almost no other way to get there: this is one of the few highlights of his week, and the Sabbath before the first MIL birthday without her.)
b)The care agency that sends support workers during the week helped with breaking the news very gently this afternoon (although he promptly forgot!!), and preparing a meal for this evening. The regular Friday arvo worker just built this into his usual shift once he got the call. The case manager suggested I phone Carers Respite (which is run by Carers Assoc).
c) Carers Respite recognised the emergency and is paying for a worker from another agency (called Someone Who Cares) to visit tomorrow afternoon for a couple of hours, and again on Sunday morning. I am about to phone to arrange an extension of this extra service until the middle of next week, and it's now after 1 a.m. The person they found can play cards, wii and is willing to drive FIL to the one-armed bandits, as well as heat up a meal for him, if that is what he wants or needs. This means that we can ring FIL and I can visit him as/when possible but not stress over it. If he needs to see his doc, then one of the agency workers can accompany him.
D was in Emergency from soon after 2pm until just after midnight, when he was admitted to a ward upstairs. He will remain in hospital until mid-week. On Monday and Tuesday he will undergo gastroscopy and colonoscopy. so far all the tests - and there have been many, of many different kinds - have shown an alarmingly low haemoglobin count that improved with a transfusion of two bags of red cells, a too-high BGL that lowered during the day then rose nicely when he finally was allowed to eat something (about 11 hours after his last meal); blood pressure that was high but has settled to a good reading; swollen feet and legs and a stomach that keeps distending, and not much else. There is internal bleeding and they can't find where - was suspected to be stomach, but they can't see it externally (not with the CT scan with contrast dye nor ultrasound) so now they suspect upper gastric tract. Hoping it's a polyp or ulcer and not anything else which may run in the family... I got home around 45 mins ago. Too hyper to sleep and yet am exhausted.
a) a fellow congregant who is also a friend and who lives nearby has said he will look after FIL for services (even though it's actually an inconvenience, but he doesn't want to say no. This is a real mitzvah and we are incredibly grateful. FIL could not manage a taxi, and there is almost no other way to get there: this is one of the few highlights of his week, and the Sabbath before the first MIL birthday without her.)
b)The care agency that sends support workers during the week helped with breaking the news very gently this afternoon (although he promptly forgot!!), and preparing a meal for this evening. The regular Friday arvo worker just built this into his usual shift once he got the call. The case manager suggested I phone Carers Respite (which is run by Carers Assoc).
c) Carers Respite recognised the emergency and is paying for a worker from another agency (called Someone Who Cares) to visit tomorrow afternoon for a couple of hours, and again on Sunday morning. I am about to phone to arrange an extension of this extra service until the middle of next week, and it's now after 1 a.m. The person they found can play cards, wii and is willing to drive FIL to the one-armed bandits, as well as heat up a meal for him, if that is what he wants or needs. This means that we can ring FIL and I can visit him as/when possible but not stress over it. If he needs to see his doc, then one of the agency workers can accompany him.
D was in Emergency from soon after 2pm until just after midnight, when he was admitted to a ward upstairs. He will remain in hospital until mid-week. On Monday and Tuesday he will undergo gastroscopy and colonoscopy. so far all the tests - and there have been many, of many different kinds - have shown an alarmingly low haemoglobin count that improved with a transfusion of two bags of red cells, a too-high BGL that lowered during the day then rose nicely when he finally was allowed to eat something (about 11 hours after his last meal); blood pressure that was high but has settled to a good reading; swollen feet and legs and a stomach that keeps distending, and not much else. There is internal bleeding and they can't find where - was suspected to be stomach, but they can't see it externally (not with the CT scan with contrast dye nor ultrasound) so now they suspect upper gastric tract. Hoping it's a polyp or ulcer and not anything else which may run in the family... I got home around 45 mins ago. Too hyper to sleep and yet am exhausted.
Don't know which one (FIL or my spouse) is worse: D just told me by phone he 'needs' 3x mp3 players, his e-book reader, his netbook, his laptop, his portable harddrive and various USBs... I thought the whole point of these devices, individually, was how much data they could store so you would never be bored again. He's not there for a holiday or to work - he's there to find out what's wrong and get well!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oct 26, 2012 at 12:23pm Edited
D thinks he does, while in the hospital!!!!! (FIL wouldn't know how to) I told him I'm going to ration him, and he's not going to do work.
Nah, he owns them. This is all stuff he owns and schleps to and from work daily. Doesn't mean he uses it all daily, just schleps it back and forth. I hear him grumbling about the weight and the stupidity of the schlep all the time, so I know he won't use it all!! ;-)
Just quickly: D's had another 2 bags of red cells today; cell count is still around 62. Blood isn't coming out of him, so it's a mystery as to what's going on - and he's still walking and talking, and beating me at cribbage! Still no word from his brothers, although his Uncle (FIL's brother) rang from Canberra and said not to worry about FIL, just focus on D. The respite careworker is an absolute dream and FIL has had a very full day, includiing a short visit to the hospital.
Just joining this for the first time and thinking you are quite amazing, joanne.
I don't want to take up time when you're all so busy with the storm. Here we have a system whereby you list the name and needs of your care recipient with the local Disaster Manangement Committee and they're on the "important evacuations" list. that means the Rescue folks will come and evacuate your care recipient and their meds/clothes/aids so you can take care of yourself and other family. Plus the Rescue folks keep you informed on whereabouts and health status. (This means they usually go wherever the hospital patients are evacuated to, with the medical & support teams)
Probably worth making sure your people are listed so their needs will be properly looked after.
Thinking of you all, and hoping it all goes quietly away.
Probably worth making sure your people are listed so their needs will be properly looked after.
Thinking of you all, and hoping it all goes quietly away.
Nov 4, 2012 at 8:34am Edited
So much happens in a week, eh?
FIl seems to have had at least one more of his little TIAs, however we haven't been there to notice much so I can't take action. Am following the course I was given by the docs, the assessors and also by his brother and niece: look after D, and let the system look after FIL. We have the written report, which confirms that he shouldn't be living at home, or living on his own, but that that is his preferred option so if there is a crisis, his choices are limited.
D sees the surgeons this morning. We'll find out more then. Unofficially, from the local of the tumour I can see it's a Stage 2 but the size has me a bit worried. Really don't know anything, though.
Edited to add: His operation is on 20 Nov. They say (because these are the surgeons, who know more) it's been there for 3 or 4 years, grwoing slowly and is either definitely cancer or just turning into cancer. (The pathologist couldn't get really clear readings) There are no signs of spread. They will go in via keyhole and remove the chunk they need to, and believe that will probably remove all further threat. No bag, no chemo or radiation. However he has to try to lose 5 - 10 kg 'ideally' before then, to maximise his chances. He can lose 5, no worries. The biggest worry he is fretting over is loss of income; I'm telling him we'll work it out.
FIl seems to have had at least one more of his little TIAs, however we haven't been there to notice much so I can't take action. Am following the course I was given by the docs, the assessors and also by his brother and niece: look after D, and let the system look after FIL. We have the written report, which confirms that he shouldn't be living at home, or living on his own, but that that is his preferred option so if there is a crisis, his choices are limited.
D sees the surgeons this morning. We'll find out more then. Unofficially, from the local of the tumour I can see it's a Stage 2 but the size has me a bit worried. Really don't know anything, though.
Edited to add: His operation is on 20 Nov. They say (because these are the surgeons, who know more) it's been there for 3 or 4 years, grwoing slowly and is either definitely cancer or just turning into cancer. (The pathologist couldn't get really clear readings) There are no signs of spread. They will go in via keyhole and remove the chunk they need to, and believe that will probably remove all further threat. No bag, no chemo or radiation. However he has to try to lose 5 - 10 kg 'ideally' before then, to maximise his chances. He can lose 5, no worries. The biggest worry he is fretting over is loss of income; I'm telling him we'll work it out.
We now need a part-time personal aide for my MIL. We are looking for 1/2 day of work 5 days a week. Responsibilities are mainly helping with dressing and mid-day meal prep. If aide could drive it would be amazing.
We have been given the name of three agencies:
Garden State Eldercare
Home Instead
Executive Care
Do any of you have pointers of how we should go about finding the best fit of personalities?
Are all three of these agencies in your "good graces"?
Thank you.
Joanne, wow. You have a lot on your plate right now. Glad you are letting the system look after FIL.
We have been given the name of three agencies:
Garden State Eldercare
Home Instead
Executive Care
Do any of you have pointers of how we should go about finding the best fit of personalities?
Are all three of these agencies in your "good graces"?
Thank you.
Joanne, wow. You have a lot on your plate right now. Glad you are letting the system look after FIL.
My father has been in the hospital for just over a month now with complications from a routine surgery. We are looking into a rehab/nursing home for him if/when he gets released.
Does anyone have any personal experience with St. Cloud Health Care, Stratford Manor Rehab or Summit Ridge Center all in West Orange? I did a Google search and we are going to visit all 3 tomorrow but it would be great to hear what you or friends thought.
Thanks for any input
We have done rehab a two facilities, Kessler and Inglemoor. Sorry I don't have experience with either of the 3 you are looking at.
Thank you kmk! He's not a candidate for Kessler right now. When he had brain surgery 2 years ago he did rehab there and it was wonderful! Because he's on dialysis, Inglemoor is off the table. We have to go with the ones that Medicare will pay to transport him to and from the center. We also want him to be an easy drive from home and my job, so we narrowed it down to the 3 I named.
We have Home Instead here, wonder if it's the same business just in franchise style?? My agency sub-contracts to them all the time when we have overflow needs, and I liaise with the staff/management at a wider Network level.
Obviously the entire system is different there, to here. Here, the basic patient profile is placed on a confidential file that the agencies can share (the file is called Ongoing Needs Information or something similar, and is updated every 3 months). As required, the referral is made to an agency together with the link to the ONI, contact is made with client and family, and from there a suitable match is made with support worker and client. In our last referral, which was on an emergency footing, I had no contact with the agency and only one contact with the worker -towards the end of her contract! In appearance she was nothing at all like we would have chosen but in personality and approach, she met FIL's needs perfectly and the case managers liaised like a dream, following the brief I can given. They checked with me a couple of times, and that was all the involvement we had apart from paying the bill.
I gather, though, that you will be doing the hiring, more directly. I can see if we have a guide somewhere, a 'questions to ask' booklet. You might find that Home Instead (for example) or event he Caregivers Org provide something like that online.
And maybe ask Tom R how they got to choose Karen.
Obviously the entire system is different there, to here. Here, the basic patient profile is placed on a confidential file that the agencies can share (the file is called Ongoing Needs Information or something similar, and is updated every 3 months). As required, the referral is made to an agency together with the link to the ONI, contact is made with client and family, and from there a suitable match is made with support worker and client. In our last referral, which was on an emergency footing, I had no contact with the agency and only one contact with the worker -towards the end of her contract! In appearance she was nothing at all like we would have chosen but in personality and approach, she met FIL's needs perfectly and the case managers liaised like a dream, following the brief I can given. They checked with me a couple of times, and that was all the involvement we had apart from paying the bill.
I gather, though, that you will be doing the hiring, more directly. I can see if we have a guide somewhere, a 'questions to ask' booklet. You might find that Home Instead (for example) or event he Caregivers Org provide something like that online.
And maybe ask Tom R how they got to choose Karen.
Thsi page is from a different agency but gives an idea of how it's done here. http://www.franchisebusiness.com.au/c/Senior-Helpers/Comprehensive-services-provided-by-the-Senior-Helpers-aged-care-franchise-n913745 I suspect it's much the same there, if you go through an agency: a private family won't have sufficient technical informal to be able to make the right kinds of immediate decisions on overall plans for a client. So the agency staff would guide you, in the first instance, helping you to make you Care Plan and work out exactly what characteristics you're looking for in the Ideal Aide. Then you match quals, experience/skills and personality and introduce your MIL to a candidate or two and see how they get on...
I'm sure if I'm wrong someone will correct me!!
I'm sure if I'm wrong someone will correct me!!
I just got off of the phone with folks at Garden State Elder Care, Executive Care and Home Instead. (The folks at SAGE are going to call me back soon.)
The upshot is that they all seem to charge $19/hour and have a 3 or 4 hours/day minimum and a 12 hour/ week minimum.
How is one supposed to choose?! I did feel like one if them took great pride in their employees and I liked that.
The upshot is that they all seem to charge $19/hour and have a 3 or 4 hours/day minimum and a 12 hour/ week minimum.
How is one supposed to choose?! I did feel like one if them took great pride in their employees and I liked that.
Sounds reasonable.
We'd expect at least a 2hr shift, and maybe 3 days a week. Most of our clients receive 6 hours a week, because of Govt subsidy; families want more. FIL receives 10 hrs a week, over 4 days because we can combine subsidies; he needs around 18 hrs.
We'd expect at least a 2hr shift, and maybe 3 days a week. Most of our clients receive 6 hours a week, because of Govt subsidy; families want more. FIL receives 10 hrs a week, over 4 days because we can combine subsidies; he needs around 18 hrs.
joanne said:
And maybe ask Tom R how they got to choose Karen.
Through the grapevine. My sister is good at networking. I don't think she's certified for anything, but when she does the job well, it doesn't matter, at least not to us.
kmk, how's the aide search going?
NJborn&bred, hope all is well.
And everyone else, hope everything is working out smoothly over there...it's been quite for a bit which could be a sign that things are 'as usual' ...
FIL has been surprising us this week. He scared himself last Friday, having no energy or strength to do a single thing he had planned for his day, and that fear and frustration manifested as anger when we finally caught up with him at dinner time. That was OK; we worked through that and also got through the weekend. What has surprised us however is that this has energised him into really wanting to sort and clear his possessions, and start to make plans for eventually moving into supported living. In two weeks he's gone from adamantly refusing to acknowledge that this time will come, to basically saying it's around the corner and we have to clear stuff NOW. Of course, that timetable is just as tough for us!! But I'm working on a plan and as long as there's some activity, it seems OK.
We saw D's GP on Tuesday afternoon, and the pre-op clinic folks yesterday. Everything is on target for a good surgery on Tuesday next week. He's got such wonderful and skilled surgeons and doctors (we are in love with the anaethestic team), it's hard not to be positive about all this. We feel incredibly blessed: I've always found it easy to mix and meet people, so we have Hindus, Buddhists, rabbis, Greek Orthodox priests, Zoroastrian prayers, colleagues with the AngliCare and Catholic care agencies all praying for us: as my boss said, all the angelic powers are working on our behalf! He just has to follow instructions re asthma, diabetes and diet until Tues a.m. and then we're set.
NJborn&bred, hope all is well.
And everyone else, hope everything is working out smoothly over there...it's been quite for a bit which could be a sign that things are 'as usual' ...
FIL has been surprising us this week. He scared himself last Friday, having no energy or strength to do a single thing he had planned for his day, and that fear and frustration manifested as anger when we finally caught up with him at dinner time. That was OK; we worked through that and also got through the weekend. What has surprised us however is that this has energised him into really wanting to sort and clear his possessions, and start to make plans for eventually moving into supported living. In two weeks he's gone from adamantly refusing to acknowledge that this time will come, to basically saying it's around the corner and we have to clear stuff NOW. Of course, that timetable is just as tough for us!! But I'm working on a plan and as long as there's some activity, it seems OK.
We saw D's GP on Tuesday afternoon, and the pre-op clinic folks yesterday. Everything is on target for a good surgery on Tuesday next week. He's got such wonderful and skilled surgeons and doctors (we are in love with the anaethestic team), it's hard not to be positive about all this. We feel incredibly blessed: I've always found it easy to mix and meet people, so we have Hindus, Buddhists, rabbis, Greek Orthodox priests, Zoroastrian prayers, colleagues with the AngliCare and Catholic care agencies all praying for us: as my boss said, all the angelic powers are working on our behalf! He just has to follow instructions re asthma, diabetes and diet until Tues a.m. and then we're set.
yeah :-D This morning, though, D seems to have a mild sore throat - we're trying to discourage it with massive vitamin boost. Otherwise surgery's off. Sigh.
I could use a bit of advice.
My retired, but not elderly, Mom lives with my sister about 2 hours away. My Mom recently visited us in NJ and I had the opportunity to observe her driving for the first time in a long time. I was really shocked by how poor her driving was. Indeed, she's had a few fender benders over the past few years and I just think she should stop driving.
So, I had a conversation with her about driving and told her I felt it was time she stopped. She balked. She said she was perfectly capable of driving and needed to drive to remain her independence. I later spoke to my sister who agreed that our Mom shouldn't be driving, but that she was unable (and I guess, unwilling) to be her chauffer.
I don't think my Mom is safe (for herself or the public) behind the wheel. How can I help address this from so far away?
My retired, but not elderly, Mom lives with my sister about 2 hours away. My Mom recently visited us in NJ and I had the opportunity to observe her driving for the first time in a long time. I was really shocked by how poor her driving was. Indeed, she's had a few fender benders over the past few years and I just think she should stop driving.
So, I had a conversation with her about driving and told her I felt it was time she stopped. She balked. She said she was perfectly capable of driving and needed to drive to remain her independence. I later spoke to my sister who agreed that our Mom shouldn't be driving, but that she was unable (and I guess, unwilling) to be her chauffer.
I don't think my Mom is safe (for herself or the public) behind the wheel. How can I help address this from so far away?
From the SAGE Eldercare website (handbook):
7 Driving Tips for Older Adults
By Mayo Clinic Staff
1. Stay physically active — this improves strength and flexibility
2. Schedule regular vision and hearing tests — these senses
tend to decline with age
3. Manage any chronic conditions — work with your doctor
to manage any conditions that might impact driver safety, such as
diabetes or seizures
4. Understand your limitations — make adjustments
accordingly
5. Drive under optimal conditions — during the daytime, in
good weather, on quiet roads and in familiar areas
6. Plan ahead — be prepared when you drive
7. Update your driving skills — take a refresher course for
older drivers
How to Talk to a Loved One About Driving Concerns
By Helpguide.org
• Be respectful — driving signifies independence
• Give specific examples — cite specific concerns, not
generalizations
• Find strength in numbers — enlist the help of a friend,
doctor or family
• Help find alternatives — research transportation options
• Understand the difficulty of the transition — transition the
senior out of driving
Remember that the safety of the older driver and others
must come first. An unsafe driver can seriously injure or kill
themself or others.
7 Driving Tips for Older Adults
By Mayo Clinic Staff
1. Stay physically active — this improves strength and flexibility
2. Schedule regular vision and hearing tests — these senses
tend to decline with age
3. Manage any chronic conditions — work with your doctor
to manage any conditions that might impact driver safety, such as
diabetes or seizures
4. Understand your limitations — make adjustments
accordingly
5. Drive under optimal conditions — during the daytime, in
good weather, on quiet roads and in familiar areas
6. Plan ahead — be prepared when you drive
7. Update your driving skills — take a refresher course for
older drivers
How to Talk to a Loved One About Driving Concerns
By Helpguide.org
• Be respectful — driving signifies independence
• Give specific examples — cite specific concerns, not
generalizations
• Find strength in numbers — enlist the help of a friend,
doctor or family
• Help find alternatives — research transportation options
• Understand the difficulty of the transition — transition the
senior out of driving
Remember that the safety of the older driver and others
must come first. An unsafe driver can seriously injure or kill
themself or others.
Hahaha, one thing we have here is Refresher/update sessions for Seniors: you can book one, or a short series (say, 3) as a gift for a Senior with your car insurer or your auto club. Here it's via the major auto club/breakdown service which is also a huge car insurer: RACQ. A driving skills assessor goes out with the Senior in their own car for an hour or so, and then when they're back home will comment on anything that needs attention. That might be refreshing new rules, watching bad habits, learning new safety tips, checking with the doctor for meds/eyes or ears etc, buying a better-suited car, or just not driving any more.
We had grave concerns for FIL; this approach gave him 3 more years and more control of how he graduated his loss of licence.
We had grave concerns for FIL; this approach gave him 3 more years and more control of how he graduated his loss of licence.
That's a great, idea Joanne. I think my Mom is insured with AARP, so I'll start there first. If anyone has a program, they would.
I think Triple A (AAA) is similar to Joanne's RACQ.
Just what you need! Here's a link on the NJ AAA: menu under Automotive: Driving Safety:
http://drivesharp.positscience.com/driving-safely.php
Just what you need! Here's a link on the NJ AAA: menu under Automotive: Driving Safety:
http://drivesharp.positscience.com/driving-safely.php
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Can you take off one of all those hats you are wearing?
Why do you have to be the world's best DIL and leave your husband's side to act as a cab driver to take the old guy to Temple!? FIL will be fine without you for 24 hours. If this situation is not a good time to call in the emergency care-giving troops when is?
Today you have to choose between being a wife or being a DIL. Luckily you get to make the choice.