When your kid wants a "playdate" with a kid you can't stand! archived

I've been in this position. I let my child have the playdate. When the undesireable behavior became apparent to my child, it was a good teachable moment. We talked about what it means to be a friend, what type of behavior and personality traits are desireable in a friend, and we compared the behavior of my child's "real" friends to the behavior of this ersatz friend. It was a good lesson.

If you don't let him have the playdate, he'll want it all the more. You have to let him learn by experience -- as long as you are supervising and make sure the other kid doesn't physically hurt your son.

I think all you have to do is set limits for the behavior of the other boy. It would be good if you also explained what your plan is.

You get to define what the limits are. For instance, no knocking things over, toy A has to be put away before toy B is taken out, whatever. And you get to define what the consequence is. Say, two infractions and visitor has to go home.

You may also want to tell Boy's parents that you have firm rules and that Boy will be brought home if he can't stick by them.

If you end up bringing Boy home, then you'll be able to explain next time that he won't be visiting your home again.

I'm in a similar situation and try to have as few playdates as possible with the other child. My latest tactic, which has worked out quite well, is to plan the playdate at the park, bring some snacks and possibly take them out for ice cream if everyone behaves. That way the obnoxious behavior is not in my house. Aren't you in the last stages of a renovation? Who needs the headache of an obnoxious kid in your house when you are dealing with a renovation?!?

Meand -

I wish I had a really good parent-y answer - but when my kids have friends I don't like, I tend to "forget" to arrange the playdate indefinitely.

I don't want my kids to have playdates with kids I can't stand.
Period!

There is one girl in my daughter's class, who is out of control and no way is she playing with her.

One of my son's friends is pretty wild too and they don't have playdates anymore. I don't need my kids to be influenced in any bad direction. The same goes when they hit the teens, a bad friend is not a good friend.

aes, that is a very good strategy. Neutral territory, so to speak. Will have to keep that in mind. And, yes, we are at the tail end of a renovation. A VERY LONG renovation, during which I have not hosted many playdates at my house because it's been too much of a disaster. Only just starting to get back in to the swing of things in that regard.

Glad to know I'm not the only one who has no interest in having an obnoxious child in my house.

Lydia, that's pretty much been my approach thus far. He's only asked once, so I'll wait and see if he asks again (my kids change their minds so frequently it's hard to keep up). And I have been known to forget to make these kinds of arrangements in the past, so it won't be obvious I'm trying to avoid this particular kid. Perhaps I'll try suggesting a kid he seems to like but hasn't seen in a while--like yours!

I'm in the same boat. So far we've done one playdate at the park (unfortunately we chose Orchard and it ended up being a very crowded day) and I'm now onto stalling tactics for the next one since I'm leary of having my son at their home. Atleast we've got lots of baseball right now so that gets us out of a lot!

Great advice from the first 3 responders. They've got it covered.

Kids can develop sound judgement about others if we give them the (supervised) opportunity. And sometimes kids who we think of as obnoxious show us another side of themselves if given the opportunity. There's probably something your son really likes or admires about this kid. You might want to find out what that is.

I guess i am lucky - my kids also seem to disagree with obnoxious kids. Whew... counting myself lucky, but some good susggestions here if things go off track.

Yes - all sound advice. And sometimes....it makes it easier if the playdate is at the other kid's house.

Now - what happens when you also can't stand the kid's mother?

I'm a sucker for these kids because I once was one of them. Being raised by wolves means that basic human manners and customs take a bit longer to learn. 1960's stay-at-home mothers were appalled with my "creative" suggestions and less than antiseptic hygiene. Their loss.

Fortunately, my child was only once rejected for a play date. The kid told him that his parents would not allow them to play together. I'm not sure what the reason was, but it was a painful experience, and a shame because my son and this boy really enjoyed each other's company. Now they hardly talk to each other.

So, I try my best to be tolerant and, lucky me, I end up with the kids that directly ask you for snacks, complain about what you offer, clean out the refrigerator and then warn you to do better shopping next time.

But, most of my kid's friends are great, and some of them, I'm glad to report, have grown on me over the years as they have calmed down and matured. Good thing I did not strangle them after all.

If you do end up having him over I find that explaining the "rules of the house" works well. It makes it less personal and somehow more powerful (like the house is going to "get you" if break them).

"Kids can develop sound judgment about others if we give them the (supervised) opportunity." Well, I can't say I disagree, but he's getting that at school. Doesn't mean I have to invite the little cretin in to my home! And I'm almost certain there's nothing specific my son "likes or admires" about this kid. I'm 99.9% certain the attraction is--the same attraction we have all had at one time or another in our lives--the fact that he's a "bad boy" and there's something about that the kids think is "cool."

As I said, I am very understanding of the fact that all kids have different personalities, and are in different places in terms of maturity. And I love every single one of the kids my kids are friends with to varying degrees and for different reasons. I have had children I was unsure of to my house and found them to be charming in their own way. I have no problem "handling" difficult behavior should it be necessary. I'm willing to give every child the benefit of the doubt. But this one particular child just gives me a very bad feeling, and from what little I've seen, I'm not even certain he's all that nice to my son. Hopefully, it's just another passing whim on my son's part and he'll forget about it. If not, there are certainly some good ideas here to work with.

Meand -

We're ready for playdates every day after school - call me. Your little-Me is a peach - beyond well-behaved, really a nice kid.

I'm wondering if we're thinking about the same kid that you don't want over - call me.

Thanks for the compliment Lydia. It's always nice to hear how other people perceive him. My kids amaze me. They are all so outgoing and make friends everywhere they go. They did not get from me. I was so painfully shy as a kid.

Your little you seems charming too, although I haven't had an opportunity to spend a lot of time with her. I know one thing for sure--she definitely inherited her mama's looks! :wink:

Posted By: meandtheboys
. But this one particular child just gives me a very bad feeling, and from what little I've seen, I'm not even certain he's all that nice to my son. Hopefully, it's just another passing whim on my son's part and he'll forget about it. If not, there are certainly some good ideas here to work with.

Meand---
Consider the source, I am not a mother, but I was a teacher.
Go with your gut everytime.
Certainly, because he is only 8, you are entitled to "just say no" if your son asks again. There is absolutely no reason to explain your feelings about this child to your son. The playdate just never has to be arranged.
Trust your intuition.

Calli

Thanks Calli. Just mentioned to hubby that Child #1 has asked for a playdate with this kid (hubby has seen him in action) and his reaction was "that kid'll come over and burn the house down!"

Me&, reminds me of a kid we both know. There was a long stretch of time I was afraid to have her near my kids. Luckily, even though things haven't been so easy for her, she has really matured and from friends I hear she's no longer the kid no one wants to have over.

Seems like we've all been in this position. I am usually in the camp of never scheduling if I don't have a good feeling about it. Once in awhile, it has happened though, and I try to keep the kids busy. One tough playdate (with three 4-5 year olds) I put on a kid's yoga video and helped the kids do that. It was better than hearing them argue.

Yes. I believe I know the child you speak of. And now she is adorable--I actually like her quite a bit. But I don't think she was ever "mean," was she? I guess I forgot your oldest and she are the same age? I certainly hope this boy comes around at some point too.

And I think the reason for the behavior is the same: overly-permissive--some might even say "whimpy"--parenting?

Anyhoo, deflected Child #1 by inquiring about his interest in a playdate with little lydia! He seems happy about the idea.

A lot of great advice! I am having similar issues with a kid's friend and appreciate the help!

One dissention though...the "go with your gut" feeling. Particularly when my sibs and I were teenagers, my mom had a lot of "gut" feelings about kids that were absolutely incorrect. Some of the kids she thought were "good" because they were polite and well groomed were in fact pretty bad influences. And some of the "bad eggs" had good values but rough exteriors.

I would rather have the playdate where I can supervise than have it somewhere else. Avoiding the playdate can work at young ages, but that gets harder when the kid gets older and chooses his/her own hangouts (by lying if necessary).

And I love the idea of asking my kid why she likes her friend. Gives me insight into her psyche a bit! If she answers of course (I'll probably get the "she's nice" answer)...

ESS, I'm having a "I don't like that mother" problem too. Arg!

Follow up - MeAnd Jr. and Lydial Jr. are getting together next week - I told my daughter when she got off the bus and she said, "Oh, that's good, because MeAnd Jr. invited me, Missy X and Mr. X to his lake house for the whole summer!"

When I mentioned that sounded like a lot of guests, she said, "They're a house of all boys, so it'll be nice to have some girls around."

:wink:

You folks better hope that in five or six years, your kids don't stumble upon the archives of this messageboard. :devil:

Posted By: wendynAOne dissention though...the "go with your gut" feeling. Particularly when my sibs and I were teenagers, my mom had a lot of "gut" feelings about kids that were absolutely incorrect. Some of the kids she thought were "good" because they were polite and well groomed were in fact pretty bad influences. And some of the "bad eggs" had good values but rough exteriors.

wendyn,
Having been a teacher, I know what you mean about exteriors, appearance, way of talking etc. But I think your mother's judgment, and the fact that Meand is uncomfortable (as well as Mr. Meand)is a little different spin. If a mom picks up a bad vibe about a kid in relation to her own son, I just don't think that should be ignored. The kids are not in high school,as in your example, they are second-graders. It is my opinion that Moms should have a say over who their children play with, and who they don't , when dealing with children of such tender years. If you reliquish that discernment at such an early age, you relinquish a lot of power to influences that you may not approve of. Kids are subject to so many forces, when they are out in the world, that many parents would prefer they not be exposed to, that it seems to me, at this age,parents should still be calling the shots in their own homes.
I'm a big believer in trusting that feeling in the pit of my stomach that alerts me when something is "off." The only times I have been in real trouble is when I didn't pay attention to my intuition.

Calli

Um, I never ever said the parents shouldn't call the shots in their own home. Obviously parents do and should have control over who their kid socializes with after school at this age. No one is "relinquishing discernment".

My point was that sometimes (I'm NOT saying in this case) your gut is wrong. And sometimes (again, NOT saying in this case) it is good to have the playdate, see the kids interacting. Might show you some insight about the friend, or your own kid.

My "gut" is frequently wrong, seeing a sweet & shy kid turn out to be a mean bully on a playdate, or a seemingly wild kid turn out to be a great influence.

I have avoided many playdates because of various reasons, including the fear of having the house burned down. :shocked: So I think whatever MeAnd decides to do is what is best for her family.

My point is that it is a good idea to listen to our kids as much as we expect them to listen to us. Maybe they see something in their friend(s) that we don't see.

But hey, it could be that my family simply has a gene with horrible intuition.

Kids are attracted to kids that are "bad" occasionally - we've had a few kids over that were more of a handful than I wanted in our lives.

Nothing wrong with re-directing towards playmates that behave well - "spirited" is fine, my daughter's bestest (boy)friend in grammer school was the kid who made her cry at the bus stop at least twice a month in 1st grade.

Mean kids? Trust your gut and avoid them - there are thousands of nice kids in town, when they're young it's easy to arrange their playdates with all kids that you like and like their parents.

Lydia, I LOL when I read your post about the lake house! She certainly has a point about it being nice to have some girls around!

Then I asked Meand Jr. who he invited to the lake house and he told me and then said "how did you know that!"

Funny, funny.

Wendyn, I have it on good authority from someone very familiar with the child that it would be best to steer clear at all costs. So I'm not crazy. Which is always nice to know! :wink:

meand -

"I asked Meand Jr. who he invited to the lake house and he told me and then said "how did you know that!"

They have no idea that words travel.

I've ripped up our camp tuition check and we can't wait to be your guests for the entire summer. Many thanks. BTW - little one can't swim - might be prudent to hire a personal swim coach - again, mucho gracias.


:wink:

No problem lydia. Any special dietary requirements I should be aware of? Any other special requests? Thread count preference for your sheets? Chocolate preference for you pillow at turn-down?

I told him "I know everything." Gotta make sure he starts believing that at a very early age!