What to wear to a wake archived

Are you wearing a conservative blouse? While I wouldn't want to wear jeans, it doesn't sound like you have time to change and real life does get in the way. I have seen people wearing casual shorts and brightly colored t-shirts to wakes, and one of my relatives actually wore overalls to my aunt's wake (his in-law), so a nice pair of jeans that are paired with otherwise conservative clothing is definitely at the less offensive end of the scale.

It's a patterned blouse with a cardigan. Probably not what you would call conservative, but it's not a sports jersey or anything

In all honesty- the old (Irish) adage is "the closer you are, the better you dress", meaning immediate family wears Sunday best, close friends/neighbors/extended family wear church/semi-dress attire and the rest get a pass. Personally, I appreciated everyone who came when my mother passed and couldn't tell you what they wore. It truly is the thought that counts.

people also always wonder what to say- be brief and heartfelt and it all works. Your presence has already stated a great deal.

Sorry for your loss TarheelsinNj. I have been to wakes where people come as they are, which might not be the conventional choice, due to travel, etc. and would ditto what spontaneous and W.F. Call post. Your presence would mean a great deal.

Sounds fine.
Your presence is more important.

Have worn jeans and a nice top to the last wake I attended. It was an afterwork one and I came straight from there. Nice jeans and top.

WF_Call said:

...Your presence has already stated a great deal.

This.

I don't believe that your clothing will be what is remembered.

I think it sounds fine. As long as it isn't shriekingly bright or alarmingly fashionable it's good. My feeling about wakes and even funerals these days is to wear something that doesn't stand out. Subdued colors and patterns.

Thanks. It's been a long time since I attended a wake so I just don't want to offend. It's my friend's father, so not someone I was personally close to but I want to be there for her. I thought the viewing would allow for a little more of a personal interaction with her, as I can't stay all the way through the post-funeral repast tomorrow.

I appreciate the perspective!!

@peggyc, little chance of me being alarmingly fashionable, regardless

Hah. Me, too.

ictulips02 said:

WF_Call said:

...Your presence has already stated a great deal.

This.

I don't believe that your clothing will be what is remembered.

Before I was born a relative wore a bright red tie to his mother's wake. This side of the family is Italian, so this was a BIG no-no. He did it on purpose. 50 years later it is still talked about.

What the OP is describing probably won't be noticed, but there ARE people who wear certain things (like the overalls I mentioned above) that WILL be noticed. FWIW when the person who wore the overalls went to a wake of one of his own family members he opted for a suit and tie. I'm not saying people should dress in 50's style all black mourning garb for every wake/funeral, but at least try to show some respect.

I had a crazy cousin Agnes who always wore a bright red dress to all the family wakes and made a grand entrance. So anything less than that I think would be just fine. ) It's best to be a friend to a friend -- who cares what you're wearing.

@spontaneous -- we posted the same type of thing at the same time. Yes, Agnes and the bright red dress are still being talked about.

It also depends on how they present it. If they just say a wake I assume conservative. But I've been to a few where the family specifically say that it is NOT a wake but a celebration of the person's life and to dress for a "celebration." In those cases I do wear flashy colors, etc.

This is just presented as "a viewing." As I'm not Catholic I'm never sure what's considered appropriate. But given the stories here, perhaps I just hope to not be the most offensively dressed person!

mumstheword said:

I had a crazy cousin Agnes who always wore a bright red dress to all the family wakes and made a grand entrance. So anything less than that I think would be just fine. ) It's best to be a friend to a friend -- who cares what you're wearing.

My grandmother had a phrase for that type of person, "They have to be the bride at every wedding, and the corpse at every funeral."

Which reminds me, I also know someone who showed up at her son's wedding wearing a floor length white lace gown. Over ten years have passed and that one still comes up too.

TarheelsInNj said:

This is just presented as "a viewing." As I'm not Catholic I'm never sure what's considered appropriate. But given the stories here, perhaps I just hope to not be the most offensively dressed person!

I'm sure you'll be fine, I was just trying to say that I've seen people dress all sorts of crazy so wearing business casual (dark jeans and a blouse) isn't offensive by comparison.

Just save the overalls for when you're working in your garden please. ;-)

No one will remember what you're wearing, but they'll remember that you came to pay your respects. Your outfit sounds fine.

Not to worry Tarheels- we only rip the close relatives, it helps take the edge off ;-)

Coming directly from work so as to be there for your friend is much more important than focusing on what you wore to work today. Your friend will just be glad for your thoughtfulness and support.

A local mobster came to my father's wake in a blue shiny sweatsuit and bright white sneakers...but it was for the afternoon viewing, or else he would have worn a double breasted jacket with a black mock turtleneck for the evening, I'm sure. So although most won't remember what you wore, you're also not wearing a shiny sweatsuit.

I really don't recall who wore what to the wake for either my mother or my father, but I do remember who was there, and their presence meant a lot to me. For me, I wouldn't mind at all if you came in jeans - the fact that you cared enough to come and be there with us would be much more important to me. Just my two cents worth.

what TigerLilly said.................you are dressed just fine and seriously, no one will remember what you wear......(just realized that this is after the fact)- xoxo, b

Thank you all so much for your reassurance. I did go last night and while I felt underdressed for sure, it was fine (and my friend said there had been many worse!). I was glad to be there as I was able to chat with her for a little while which would not have been likely today in the chaos of the service.

I believe that it is almost always better to be under-dressed than over-dressed. And it sounds like it was just fine.

I think the opposite is actually true. Overdressed only you may feel uncomfortable. Underdressed and others might be uncomfortable or offended. However, given the circumstances, I think it was fine that you went. If I was planning it out, I would never choose jeans for a wake but if it was unexpected and last minute, I'd wear what I had on and explain to the friend about how much I wanted to be there.

conandrob240 said:

I think the opposite is actually true. Overdressed only you may feel uncomfortable. Underdressed and others might be uncomfortable or offended. However, given the circumstances, I think it was fine that you went. If I was planning it out, I would never choose jeans for a wake but if it was unexpected and last minute, I'd wear what I had on and explain to the friend about how much I wanted to be there.

Exactly.

What your friend will remember is that you were there not what you were wearing. I say this from being both attending many wakes and having been a close family member of the deceased greeting visitors.

I have gone to many wakes. Like everywhere else, formality has slipped. I think your outfit was not just fine, but good. I had a good friend show up at my husband's service in shorts and sneakers. While I think he could have stepped up his game a little, I was glad he was there...

what nygirl4ever said.