The meaning of becoming a bar/bat mitzvah is lost in the trappings archived

The reform movement probably doesn't see it that way.

I don't think that's true straw. We're reform and I find the whole thing to be overdone. The worst aspect of the flaunting of gear is that everyone knows who was invited and who wasn't. As the parent of a child who Bar Mitzvah this year, and who wasn't invited to the Bar Mitzvahs of most of his classmates, it's been really hard. I was trying to figure out why he wasn't invited (arguments, inappropriate behavior of some kind) but cannot figure out a reason.

"Keeping Up with the Steins" is one of my all time favorite movies.

straw...just to be clear...we are REFORM...no "ed".
jasper I have heard that some schools ask kids not to wear the wearable favors the next monday in school.

Bnai Mitzvahs are wasted on the young. The only benefit I see for them to happen at age 13 is that it forces the kids to at least learn a little Hebrew and have some sense of being Jewish so that later in life they can reach back and have a starting point. And it offers the parents a chance to re-engage in the religion and a reason to be affiliated, which is a good in and of itself.

For most of us the real meaning does not start to kick in until much later in life.

strawberry said:

The reformed movement probably doesn't see it that way.

I am curious--on what do you base this opinion? What have you seen or heard in the Reform Movement that would lead you to think that it takes Bnai Mitzvahs any less seriously, or any more materialistically, than Conservative or Orthodox shuls?

Yes, judy, I saw references to that when I searched online to see if this is an issue others have confronted. But it should go beyond that - why does anyone need such a favor at all? What is it really trying to say? How about if they donate blank sweatshirts to Goodwill instead?

Zoinks, I watched a clip, and while I don't think I could stomach a movie-full of that, it does seem to drive the point home in an over-the-top, caricatured fashion.

ceidefields, we're in a similar situation. This age seems to be the peak of the popular/unpopular dichotomy, and the wearing of such exclusionary items just adds salt to the wound. Jewish values aside, it's simply obnoxious.

I think most events are becoming lost in the trappings. Try having a wedding without serving drinks. Instead of focusing on the marriage of two loved ones, people will instead bitch about how cheap they are to not supply booze.

Children's birthday parties are now also over the top. Serve pizza, soda, and cake, have a few games, and your child will be the laughing stock of the school. Okay, maybe a slight exaggeration on the laughing stock part, but I do know that many people now make even their kids birthday parties over the top events.

Christenings, confirmations, sweet 16 parties, baby showers. It has all gone insane.

mfpark, coming from a modern orthodox background, I can vouch for the fact that some of the most ostentatious affairs I've seen have been among that crowd. However, it's possible that in those cases, as part of a relatively small Jewish day school, these kids invite their entire class so that nobody is excluded.

Jasper--it is not the ostentation that grates for me. If that is what the kid's parents want, then that is their business (and you can bet the kid has different ideas, such as spending that money instead on a superb surround sound TV system, or a trip to Disney).

I just find that there are very few 13 year olds in our society who are ready intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally to really understand and incorporate what bnai mitzvahs can mean for them. And I do not blame them one iota for this. Perhaps in the past when life was shorter and kids less cossetted this age made sense. But not now. I love the idea of adult bar and bat mitzvahs, not because the adult missed out when they were 13 but because an adult is far more ready to really understand and internalize and make a choice.

As for handing out wearable clan markings designating in-club and out-sider, that has nothing to do with the bar or bat mitzvah, and everything to do with parents abdicating on how to raise moral and considerate children. The parents should be ashamed. And the Rabbi and Cantor should be counseling parents on why this is a bad idea.

strawberry said:

The reformed movement probably doesn't see it that way.

judy3x said:

straw...just to be clear...we are REFORM...no "ed".

Ms. Judy3x, who are you to question a scholar of Judaism such as Rabbi Strawberry in these matters? ;-)

This has been done forever, at least since I was a kid in the 80s.

Yes, lousy parenting has been around for like forever, even before the '80's.

As someone who grew up in the Bar Mitzvah biz - I can tell you firsthand how out of hand these so-called religious events have gotten. I've already had one friend force me to put on my calendar her daughter's Bat Mitzvah which is over 2 years away. My family owned an invitation business and people used to drive my mom and sister crazy over the invites spending over 20 hours just to pick the invite out. The parent's of these kid's' spend thousands of dollars on these events - spending over $40,000 is the norm in Long Island where I grew up. They usually had to outdo their friend's invites. What get's my goat the most is that most of these people stop becoming members of their synagogue once their kid has had their party.

Zoinks said:

"Keeping Up with the Steins" is one of my all time favorite movies.

Someone recommended this movie to me last year when I was in the throes. I haven't had a chance, but I plan to watch it.

Much of these events are about show, just like any event, such as a wedding. It isn't supposed to be about the dress or the cake or the flowers, or in this case the party favor, but that is where we often get lost. I was at my cousin's son's bar mitzvah a few months ago, and my Aunt, the grandmother, wouldn't stop complaining that the cake was too dry. "GET OVER IT", was exploding in my head, but I kept my mouth smiling, rather letting my annoyance out. I try to remember that the event is about the people, not the party and its trappings. This particular Bar Mitzvah boy announced that he was giving a percentage of his gift money to the research group that saved his mom, who is cancer-free 4 years after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. When my daughter wears the hoodie from his Bar Mitzvah, this is what we talk about, since it is a commemortive item.

Giving out wearable party favors is definitely in style as Bar/Bat Mitzvahs go. These favors, I think, are supposed to celebrate the person, hence things like the person's name and the date of the event on the shirt, cup, hat, whatever. The Bar/Bat Mitzah boy/girl has worked very hard to reach the celebration, and I think celebrating that effort with a commemorative item is not a bad thing at all, but we may not see some of the fallout it creates. It definitely has the invited/not-invited after-effect at school, but this happens when the invitations go out, so I don't think the wearable favors are a surprise to kids at that point, but maybe just another reminder.

I don't exactly like the whole idea of party favors, to be honest, but it is part of our AMERICAN society, not just a Bar/Bat Mitzvah thing. I remember one birthday party we didn't give out party bags at because we had lots of games with lots of prizes, and the kids had bags to keep their prizes in. Many of the kids came to us asking for their party bag when they were leaving. Oh well, you are holding one (that is over-flowing) I told them. It was just an EXPECTATION they had to collect their favor when leaving. I think that the present for the birthday boy/girl should be the central gifting, but kids don't open presents at parties anymore, so it is less about celebrating the person, and more about the party and the favors - again, an American celebration.

Teaching lessons are difficult in our society, where personal gratification and keeping up with the Joneses/Steins rule the day, but making kids aware can help. My daughter wanted it all and wanted her Bat Mitzvah to follow the cookie cutter of her peer's events, but we couldn't meet her expectations, not by a long shot. I priced hoodies for her Bat Mitzvah. To be honest, she didn't want to know the price, but I made her aware. We didn't buy them - too expensive to get one for everyone under 18. She really wanted to give something out, though, so we MADE them, with fabric paint - each one unique. It took a lot of time, and she complained, wanting the simple way out, but she liked the end result, especially deciding who got which shirt. We still have paint on the dining room table to remind us of our fun.

I also only permitted her to invite 10 friends. It was quite an exercise to narrow down her list. Not everyone can be invited, it is very expensive. That is all we could offer. The lessons here can be learned early just by limiting numbers of friends at a special event. I told her to narrow her list by inviting only the kids who would respect the ceremony, not just be there for the party. That opened the door to deeper contemplation.

So, I think the planning of these events and the trappings can definitely be a learning moment, but, that said, the learning sometimes doesn't sink in until later...

Oy, have I not heard that one brooklynlady. I am on the Board of my shul, as financial secretary. I can't tell you how many people I speak with who simply stop paying dues once their kids are done with Religious School. When I ask them why, they say they feel they have done their duty. I then ask them if they enjoyed their time with their kids in RS, and they usually say they did. I then let them know that the cost of the RS (and staff) are nowhere near covered by what they have paid, and that in reality they were subsidized by all the members who did continue to pay their dues after their kids aged out. I then ask them to consider helping the next set of families in the same way. It sometimes works.

(By the way, if they still say no, I ask them what they plan to do for the high holidays, or when their parents pass away and they want to sit shiva. Because if everyone thought the way they did, there will be no synagogue for them to go to on Rosh Hashanah, and no Rabbi or Cantor to help them organize their shiva. But that only works sometimes as well.)

brooklynlady said:

As someone who grew up in the Bar Mitzvah biz - I can tell you firsthand how out of hand these so-called religious events have gotten.

You see, I have trouble when people start calling Bar/Bat Mitzvahs "so-called religious" events. I think they happen to be very religious events, with a lot of thought and work going on behind the scenes. In fact, I think it is one of the most religious and contemplative events for young adults in our modern society. I think it would be great if we had a secular event that modeled the Bar/Bat Mitzvah that celebrated kids moving forward in life to a stage of greater responsibility in society.

mfpark said:

I just find that there are very few 13 year olds in our society who are ready intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally to really understand and incorporate what bnai mitzvahs can mean for them. And I do not blame them one iota for this. Perhaps in the past when life was shorter and kids less cossetted this age made sense. But not now.

I disagree. I think they are ready. I think it all has to do with how we as adults help them navigate, and push them, to some extent, to be more aware of their journey to find a place in the world, as young men/women. I think the event is about helping them open the door, into young adulthood.

As an outsider, I'd wondered about the idea of "becoming an adult" at 13, but the best of the bar/bat mitzvahs we and our sons were invited to when they were that age were lovely events where families recognized a new level of responsibility in their sons and daughters, and the kids in turn appreciated what they had received from their families throughout their lives so far. A great moment to pause before going on to the next step.

otoh, one of the guys' friends had the dancers from the Nets (right team?) at the party.... seemed way over the top (and maybe off the mark) at the time, but to each his own, maybe I should see it as just another special treat for a loved kid.

A little clarification:

A boy becomes Bar Mitzvah on his thirteenth birthday, by the very fact of turning thirteen (traditionally girls become Bat Mitzvah at 12.5 -- and yes, traditionally girls become Bat Mitzvah).

The celebration of the event is what we are talking about here.

Also, a boy does not become an adult at thirteen, but becomes responsible for observing Jewish law at that age. The difference is subtle but very real.

This is a very good book, often recommended by Rabbis and Cantors across the movements: http://www.amazon.com/Putting-God-Guest-List-Spiritual/dp/1879045591

There's a version for the kids, too: http://www.amazon.com/Kids-Putting-God-Your-Guest-List/dp/1580230156

This is something most Jewish communities struggle with.

I understand that kids work hard to prepare for their bar/bat mitzvah celebrations. But there's something about the need for everyone else to "celebrate" a person (as opposed to a rite of passage) by wearing a piece of clothing that advertises that they had a party to which wearers were invited that strikes me as narcissistic and unseemly.

Sorry about the reform typo. Frankly, I feel a little silly. However, I do believe that reform Jews tend to look at the bar mitzvah as more of a party/celebration than conservative Jews.

jasper said:

I understand that kids work hard to prepare for their bar/bat mitzvah celebrations. But there's something about the need for everyone else to "celebrate" a person (as opposed to a rite of passage) by wearing a piece of clothing that advertises that they had a party to which wearers were invited that strikes me as narcissistic and unseemly.

FWIW, I completely agree with you. I do not like the clothing trophies. I tend to think it's rude to wear them. I'm happy to give the kids the benefit of the doubt, but not the parents.

strawberry said:

Sorry about the reform typo. Frankly, I feel a little silly. However, I do believe that reform Jews tend to look at the bar mitzvah as more of a party/celebration than conservative Jews.

It is not the typo that you should think about--it is this belief you have. I know plenty of Reform Jews who take it darned seriously. And I know plenty of Conservtive Jews who focus more on the party than even on the service preparation. As Max said, it is an issue that cuts across all the denominations.

Hi MF Park...some families have trouble paying the synagogue dues and Hebrew school tuition and that is why they cannot be members after their kids have had a bar/bat mitzvah.

As a middle school teacher I can tell you that a lot of heartache would be avoided if those clothes went out of fashion as a favor. It's very upsetting, more so than invitations that are received (or not) at home. For one thing, you might if your best friends were invited, but you don't know the scope of the list until you see the sweatshirts/t-shirts/tote bags/gym pants, etc. Then you get to wonder, why him and why not me.

As a volunteer at a local rummage sale, I can tell you that dozens of such items end up in local giveaway bags of clothing, some that appear to have been worn once or twice only.

I think favors can be fun -- those photo booth people are great, even the fancy pen/pencil things, you know -- there's a lot out there. But I wish that the clothes would go out of style before I am done with middle school. But that's just me, and my dread of Mondays, teaching 7th grade, during bar/bat mitzvah season, because of the clothes.

A_Neighbor said:

Hi MF Park...some families have trouble paying the synagogue dues and Hebrew school tuition and that is why they cannot be members after their kids have had a bar/bat mitzvah.

Hi Neighbor:

Trust me, I understand. I am the guy who does the work outs with folks for my shul. But what I see is that people pay thousands for the bar or bat mitzvah but then cannot or will not pay for the shul. I see people driving expensive new cars but cannot give to the shul. I see them doing kitchen additions and not paying for the shul. Heck, last week I had an ex-president stiff us for $500 in past dues, ask for a major reduction in current dues, and in the next breath tell me how excited he was to be taking the grand children to Disney next month.

I certainly understand that people have priorities for their spending, and that money is tight for many. But it is interesting that the synagogue is almost always the last priority--until they need the clergy or they need the community. But if too many people make us the last priority, there will be no synagogue there when they need one.

A_Neighbor said:

Hi MF Park...some families have trouble paying the synagogue dues and Hebrew school tuition and that is why they cannot be members after their kids have had a bar/bat mitzvah.

MF Park, like you I was a Financial co-secretary at my temple. I agree that there were a few who would like to take advantage of our good will, but (am I am sure you would agree) if there was ever a family that WANTED to be members of our congregation, we wopuld go through hoops to make sure we could make it affordable. I would make it very clear to the congregant that finances were no barrier to membership.

hamandeggs said:

As a middle school teacher I can tell you that a lot of heartache would be avoided if those clothes went out of fashion as a favor. It's very upsetting, more so than invitations that are received (or not) at home. For one thing, you might if your best friends were invited, but you don't know the scope of the list until you see the sweatshirts/t-shirts/tote bags/gym pants, etc. Then you get to wonder, why him and why not me.

As a volunteer at a local rummage sale, I can tell you that dozens of such items end up in local giveaway bags of clothing, some that appear to have been worn once or twice only.

I think favors can be fun -- those photo booth people are great, even the fancy pen/pencil things, you know -- there's a lot out there. But I wish that the clothes would go out of style before I am done with middle school. But that's just me, and my dread of Mondays, teaching 7th grade, during bar/bat mitzvah season, because of the clothes.

Yeah, I think that the idea of wearing the clothes to school on Monday to brag about the party is horrible, and I would never let my child wear one of those gift shirts to school soon after the event. Personally, I don't expect to ever give clothing, because it goes to waste at our house, and because of the in group/out group marking it fosters, as well as the expense. We'll give some favor, since everyone else does, but it won't be clothing. (just one of the many decisions we need to make sometime soon....)

To return to the specific issue raised by the OP, i.e. the shirt give-aways: Back in '96, when Sonnyboy was BarMitzvahBoy, the firm providing the "entertainment package" for the reception had a long list of items to be considered as party favors, props, and give-aways. This was not our first rodeo, so we were determined not to go overboard... However, we did accede to the wishes of our son when he asked if the party might have a theme. He had been to Space Camp that summer, and was still excited about it. He suggested that every aspect of the big event could tie in to the theme of (apply echo effect here) "Jews In Space". We said yes.

SO: there were star-shaped balloons. There were NASA mission-specific rocket centerpieces. There was a large piece of original Space Shuttle Art (now residing in our living room). And, yes, there were T-Shirts, proclaiming "I Had A Blast At Sonnyboy's Bar Mitzvah!"...

Were we appropriately embarrassed by it all? Of course. Did we think it was still pretty cool? You betcha. Do I get uncomfortable thinking about the materialistic versus spiritual values such mega-parties bring into question? Absolutely.

BUT: Sonyboy (now 28) is a terrific, morally-centered, spiritually-solid Reform Jew. Ask anyone who knows him whether the shirt his friends got at his Bar Mitzvah had any negative impact on him, his guests, or classmates who didn't attend his rite of passage. I think you'll get a "no" from one & all. Just one fella's experience...

-s.