Sorry, but I've tuned you out

A friend is driving me nuts. She has become apprehensive about almost everything. I've given her a pass because she has had trust issues in the past both professionally and personally, but now I'm beginning to think her drama and apprehension are a ruse to not make decisions.

She runs a pretty stable and profitable small business and occasionally, has to let employees go. But lately she won't. She'd rather complain to us about them than remove them. The incidents range from severe tardiness to banging in each Monday. She describes at least two of them as rude. Ummm....so why continue to employ them? Her excuse for one is that they are a single parent and being a single parent is hard (she comes from a single parent home) and she wants to give them a chance. If she were running charity I'd say "Bravo!" but she isn't. 

I lost my cool with her before the holiday and told her that unless she was willing to make changes, I no longer wished to hear about the soap opera that has become her workplace. She got very salty and said that I wasn't being a "good friend." Okay.

We have / had a good friendship but I don't know how to handle this in a constructive way. One of our friends suggested (GENTLY!) that she seek therapy because she seemed unable to make decisions. I agree. Our friend doesn't and said that if we owned our own businesses we'd know the type of pressure she's under and how she feels "responsible" for people. 

Anyone else had a friend or relative with this behavior? What is going on here? 

I have a girlfriend of many years who is very similar. It has come to the point where a dinner or drinks is just a therapy session for her. She can go on and on about how horrible and sad and pathetic her life is and how everyone around her have all the things she wants (marriage, children, a house, a great job) but she is all alone, paying a load of money to live in the city and underemployed. I have in the past attempted to provide constructive criticism but she always finds an excuse as to why not take some action. One minor example of many: While out to dinner she brought up the wish list once again while bitching about having to move to another apt in Manhattan and the high rents. I brought up that maybe she should consider buying a condo outside the city instead, and at least it would earn her some equity that she can rely on later in life. She brought up that she is underemployed, that she does not make that much money (she earns nice 6 figures) and that she does not have enough money for a down payment. The subject changed, and about 2 minutes later she is telling me how she almost had a heard attack because she thought she lost her Cartier necklace while moving, a gift to herself, along with a Prada bag, for her 40th birthday. I did not bothered to say anything but well, let's just say that would have been a nice chunk of change for a down payment. Anyhow, I have come to the conclusion that some people do not want to be helped or help themselves and just would rather bitch and complain. So I just let her go on...while drinking a lot of wine

pmartinezv said:

 Anyhow, I have come to the conclusion that some people do not want to be helped or help themselves and just would rather bitch and complain. So I just let her go on...while drinking a lot of wine ">

I think this is key.  As much as you want to be a good friend and help, you just can't change people who don't want to change.  If you find you can't really enjoy the company any longer, you may need to just let the friendship go.  If I were in this situation and found myself backing away from the friendship, I think I'd be inclined to explain why I didn't want to see her (in a supportive, kind, but firm way).  

It's so difficult to cope when people express near-constant unhappiness but won't move to do anything about it.

It's easy to relate to both sides of this. I certainly can understand that it's frustrating to hear someone complaining endlessly, particularly about things that presumably can be changed. But having seen some small businesses up close, I also get that it can be very disruptive and stressful to fire people and then recruit, train and retain their replacements, while trying to run and grow the business. Sometimes people really do look at their employees as "family" and find downsizing or firing people incredibly personal and emotional. And some days managing a team of people can be like herding a group of wet cats.

Not sure if therapy is the answer, but perhaps if she needs to spend so much time talking about her business, she should spend more time with people in similar situations with similar interests, or just learn to leave some of the work issues at the office door.

Yes! Yes and Yes to all. I know she's stressed. I've pointed out to her that based on sound judgments and past decisions, she has made quite a nice life for herself. IMO, continuing to employ rude, unreliable people is counter productive. These aren't fresh out of college types either. These are adults with impressive work histories (according to her). I think she has a knack for picking those who will eventually mistreat her (don't get me started on past relationships) and those drawn to her have a knack of singling her out.    Yet, if I offer friendly advice, usually solicited, she gets pissy. I joke that I should mistreat her so that we can remain friends. 

She employs maybe 4-6 people. One or more could pick up the slack if she lets one go and I know that a few of them are capable of training. 

I haven't spoken to her since early last week. Part of me feels free. And that part feels bad. 

Without giving it a lot of thought, I think I might say something like "Wow I get that that's really tough." You know what I'd do, but we're not the same. Sorry you're suffering so much."  It is really hard when someone is venting in an endless loop.  I have seen businesses go under because they could not let certain people go. I admit it would be pretty painful for me to let people go. 

You don't have to be her punching bag. When someone heaps their problems on you all the time, it's exhausting. Maybe you can just limit the time spent with her, and know when you do see/talk to her that it will be her "therapy session."

gerryl said:

Without giving it a lot of thought, I think I might say something like "Wow I get that that's really tough." You know what I'd do, but we're not the same. Sorry you're suffering so much."  It is really hard when someone is venting in an endless loop.  I have seen businesses go under because they could not let certain people go. I admit it would be pretty painful for me to let people go. 

A wise sage once told my newbie husband embarking on his career: "You don't fire people. People fire themselves. They show you who they are daily and you have to see and believe."

I think I have read on other threads the suggestion of giving her a time limit. Maybe say, "Can we agree to stop talking about this after five minutes? I know how much it is bothering you, but it is also making it very difficult to enjoy each others' company."

I'm familiar with the scenario of trying to help someone who doesn't really want help. For our entire lives, my brother's answer to every suggestion has been "no, that won't work," whether the suggestion came from me or anyone else. I learned to find ways to change the subject and KEEP the subject changed.

It sounds like she isn't looking for advice, she's looking to vent, as you suggested.  So being a good friend means letting her vent.  But you can also protect yourself by going into the get-together with four or five long stories of your own, preferably more upbeat than hers.