Siblings and playdates archived

adifferentone

Jul 13, 2011 at 7:17am

How do you handle a situation where a friend's sibling is involved in every playdate? My little one has a great friend who has a sibling that is only 18 months older. Of course, at their house, all three play together. And when we invite the younger sib to our house for a playdate, older sib to comes along. Unfortunately, the older sib spends a lot of time trying to boss the little ones around, gets angry when they don't listen to her, and continually complains to me and sulks. Then, the little ones start devising ways to get away from older sib, which escalates the situation. All in all, it takes a lot of work for me to keep things from falling apart. At the last playdate, older sib pushed my kid down during an argument about a game, and now my kid asks why younger sib can't come over alone. Is there any way to discuss this with the parents without hurting feelings? The mom has told me that older sib doesn't have a lot of friends and that younger sib is her best friend. I feel badly and agree that older sib struggles socially. So, is this just a life lesson for my child in getting along? Or is it unfair to make them all play together? Edited to add: kids are 5 and 7.

silkcity

Jul 13, 2011 at 7:30am

I think you have done your good deed, and now you can get what works for you. I assume this is a drop-off playdate, in which case the older kid is so not your job. I would say, next time, "I'm not feeling up to all three of them. Could we just do the little ones today? Eric has something special he wants to do with Mimi."

I would suggest that the older sib might improve socially if she had to and had oppts -- so maybe this will open up that possibility. I think that other parent is maybe overstepping by bringing two kids each time.

eyetry

Jul 13, 2011 at 7:36am

you need to tell them that the younger kids are not interacting as they would if the older sib was not there since the older child always takes control.They should not expect both children to go when invited for a playdate....

Corey oh oh

shoshannah

Jul 13, 2011 at 7:46am Edited

I would be much more direct and say that the playdate works best when it's just two five-year-olds. If you get push-back, bring it up a notch and say that you like the older daughter very much, but that when you invite a child over for a playdate you expect the playdate to be for the two children who are peers, without a sibling.

wendyn

Jul 13, 2011 at 8:01am

Agree with shoshannah.

I've actually taken the approach that if one of my daughters has a playdate, the other one shouldn't be involved. I've had too many incidents of my daughters fighting during the playdate (making playdate kid miserable) or the playdate kid causing problems with the sibling. I'm flexible on this obviously, but I try to come up with other things for the non-playdate kid to do.

adifferentone

Jul 13, 2011 at 8:17am

Thanks for the feedback. One of the big issues is that the family treats the kids like twins/peers, instead of differently-aged siblings. The younger kid is much more mature, social, etc. than the older and this causes a lot of problems. In many ways, the younger child has become sort of a social crutch for the older one. I'm sure the older one knows this, and that envy is a big part of why the playdates don't go so well. I am sympathetic towards the situation, and don't want to make the sibling feel worse. I know she thinks of herself as a friend of my kid on par with her younger sib, so she would probably feel as though a friend was rejecting her. Ugh! I have an older child, but we've never had this issue before.

mammabear

Jul 13, 2011 at 9:09am

wendyn said:
Agree with shoshannah.

I've actually taken the approach that if one of my daughters has a playdate, the other one shouldn't be involved. I've had too many incidents of my daughters fighting during the playdate (making playdate kid miserable) or the playdate kid causing problems with the sibling. I'm flexible on this obviously, but I try to come up with other things for the non-playdate kid to do.

I agree. Playdates, on the whole, should remain between the two friends and should not default to include a sibling every time. First, each child in a family, no matter how close in age, should learn how to function as an individual. Sister and brother relationships are great, but kids get that 24/7 at their own house. Why should they also do it on a playdate? Plus, it's very important for children to learn how to develop relationships outside the family...and do it in their own way. Having an older or younger sibling attached to you all the time does not allow you to find your own way.

I would suggest a playdate with the younger children by themselves and be very diplomatic in explaining why.

(That said, sometimes the dynamic is two adult friends who switch off their kids to help each other other. In those cases, it's understood that siblings are included)

wendyn

Jul 13, 2011 at 9:25am

Perhaps you can tell the parent that your kid seems to play better with only one kid at a time. This puts the focus / "blame" off of the older kid. FWIW...several of my preschool / k / 1st grade teachers all suggested one on one playdates were preferrable to multiple kid playdates at that age.

If the older kid is included (like as mammabear suggests you are doing the parent a favor) try to plan something all three can do without too much alone time, like watch a movie. I do movies as a last resort, but sometimes it is just easier if you have a problamatic mix of kids. Or a specific craft project that you supervise (uhg).

Good luck!

mammabear

Jul 13, 2011 at 9:35am

I will add that I am pretty sensitive to this issue due to the fact that my first two bears are the same sex and 12 months apart!

mcgoey

Jul 13, 2011 at 12:11pm

I would only allow the younger one over to my house if the mom or dad was going to stay and supervise.
Another idea would be to suggest everyone meeting at the park. That usually diffuses some things and the parents are around.
Although, if the playdate were at my house and if my child and their playdate were trying to exclude one of my other children I would tell them that they have to include the sister or brother or that their friend would have to go home. This is one of those issues where different families have different rules and the person visiting has to abide by the rules of the house.

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