Not exactly sure what I'm looking for! (Kid/anxiety)

I'm looking for some advice about my kid; I'm trying to figure out if I'm blowing things out of proportion or if this is something than can/should be dealt with. I *think* he's got some mild anxiety issues, including some social anxiety. He has friends, but he's pretty introverted. For instance, there's one kid he really likes and is always willing to play with when the kid comes looking for him, but he refuses to ever go knock on the kid's door himself. I think he's afraid of rejection? And he is always hesitant to host play dates, even with kids he really likes, and who want to be here. He also seems very concerned about how he is perceived, his "reputation" (he is 9), and GOD FORBID he thinks someone is laughing at him (he does not take even the most gentle teasing well). He also refuses to wear his glasses because they are not "cool" (even though some of his favorite kids wear glasses...he doesn't think they make THEM uncool; just him). I'm starting to get worried that this is going to become really limiting the older he gets, and I would love to find a way to help him re-frame some things, I guess. I'd love to hear any advice or input from people who have dealt with similar kids.

What does he have to say about your concerns? Have you asked him about any of the things you are seeing?

We have tried to talk to him about it. He shuts down, and does not wish to discuss it. If we push, he feels persecuted. That's why I am thinking maybe someone neutral could be more helpful.

Fought my wife tooth and nail over this but she put my daughter in the program run by the social workers at the South Mountain Annex. I want to say its called Friendship circle or something like that but I'm not sure. Anyway its a pull out where she went to do activities and talk about feelings and such. Long story short I saw vast improvement in my daughters social skills during the time she was in the program. I could probably say that she just matured a little during that time and it was just coincidence that she was working with the social worker but at times I did see her exhibiting positive behaviors that I know they modeled during program time. Perhaps something like this may help with your guy? I would keep in mind that all kids are different. Nothing you describe sounds terribly problematic or out of the ordinary for a 9 year old. That said, you know your kid. If you think he needs some help theres no reason not to look into it.

I appreciate the feedback GGartrell, thanks.

If you believe he is an introvert, I would suggest that you read "Quiet". I have an introvert kid, who had similar issues like your kid and I could not figure out what to do. Reading that book made not stress too much about the situation. There is a social bias in favor of extroverts, but introverts eventually do develop a sense of comfort and balance in their social lives. I find that now that he is middle school, our kid is more comfortable inviting friends and making new friends.

That looks really interesting, dg64, thanks!

Also try to sign him up for activities that really suit him. I get tears in my eyes when my could be anxious kid finds a great fit. It's often not what his "best friends" do in their free time, and it makes him so happy to feel good just being himself

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/10-comics-that-perfectly-sum-up-what-its-like-to-be-an-introvert_55c3adcfe4b0f1cbf1e429cc?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

+ for Quiet, and lots of good advice above. As a note, though, the very successful introverts profiled in Quiet had learned to accommodate their nature and/or make adjustments to their environment.

I do think it's important for such a child to learn to recognize and deal with situations that are uncomfortable, and not feel helpless. While not wanting to overreact to his reservations at this early age, I think it will be important to teach him how to be more comfortable (and how to recognize and deal with his discomfort) going forward. Struggling with what to say here, but in a word you don't want to overreact, but you don't want to underreact either. It seems as though a wisely led social skills group, or other coaching, might be a good idea. You don't want him to reach adolescence or early adulthood with a big sense of vulnerability or isolation, or lack of coping skills; and it may be that some of it will need to be explicitly taught if he's not the type to pick up cues from others' behavior.

I don't have concrete local suggestions (I no longer live in NJ), just a sense that you may not be overreacting. You know your kid best.

The schools do have some social skills groups but there also private ones too. Another idea would be to take your child to a therapist to help you determine if there is an issue or not. Sometimes an outside perspective helps.

mjc said:
+ for Quiet, and lots of good advice above. As a note, though, the very successful introverts profiled in Quiet had learned to accommodate their nature and/or make adjustments to their environment.
I do think it's important for such a child to learn to recognize and deal with situations that are uncomfortable, and not feel helpless. While not wanting to overreact to his reservations at this early age, I think it will be important to teach him how to be more comfortable (and how to recognize and deal with his discomfort) going forward. Struggling with what to say here, but in a word you don't want to overreact, but you don't want to underreact either. It seems as though a wisely led social skills group, or other coaching, might be a good idea. You don't want him to reach adolescence or early adulthood with a big sense of vulnerability or isolation, or lack of coping skills; and it may be that some of it will need to be explicitly taught if he's not the type to pick up cues from others' behavior.
I don't have concrete local suggestions (I no longer live in NJ), just a sense that you may not be overreacting. You know your kid best.

Thanks, mjc. You really hit on how I feel about it. I can tell he really wants to get out there with other kids, and if they come to him he's all for it, but he cannot abide the idea of even the smallest rejection. He just can't see it as no big deal, and he'd rather not try than risk "failing".

We had somewhat different concerns about our son when he was entering 3rd grade, but they were on a similar level of worry. We reached out to the schools social worker (Jefferson) and she had him meet weekly with the social work intern, and we have continued that practice, now entering 5th grade. It was great for him, gave him an outlet and some personal attention. The interns knew what our concerns were and did their best to address them with our son. It is not the same as paid professional care, but if your school has good interns(as ours did last year) then it might be another good place to start.