Miscarriage/stillborn sympathy protocol? archived
Dec 19, 2006 at 9:11am Edited
Dec 19, 2006 at 9:43am Edited
i am so sorry for them. and i think it is great that you're thinking about how to best reach out. i feel like people didn't discuss miscarriage as much in the past and so there are less clear guidelines (for lack of a better word) for what's appropriate.
i can share, based on personal experience, what i "liked" to hear after each of my 3 miscarriages. of course, every parent is different. and every miscarriage can be different.
my thoughts:
genuine acknowledgement of a real loss. a handwritten note sounds perfect for this. flowers? not so much. you'd be surprised how many people didn't even want to acknowledge the miscarriages at all because they just didn't know what to say.
i liked when people referred to the loss of my child. because to me, they were children. not impersonal "losses." they had names. i imagined their faces. i envisioned lives and loves and families for them. even if they hadn't yet been born. in fact, for the children whose names we shared, i liked when people referred to them by name.
i hated when people said things like:
you'll have another
nature has a way of knowing...
there must have been something wrong (duh!)
if it was meant to be...
it happens to so many women
and, even though i never took anyone up on it, i liked when people left the door open by saying something like "if there's anything i can do" or "if you ever want to talk." in the midst of the crisis, i didn't turn to anyone but my closest friends. but i did feel like i could refer to my experience later without making those people uncomfortable.
and finally, no matter what people said, even though some of them said some (what i thought to be) unbelievable things--i think fondly of them. they were trying their best.
good luck. and my thoughts go out to your friends.
i can share, based on personal experience, what i "liked" to hear after each of my 3 miscarriages. of course, every parent is different. and every miscarriage can be different.
my thoughts:
genuine acknowledgement of a real loss. a handwritten note sounds perfect for this. flowers? not so much. you'd be surprised how many people didn't even want to acknowledge the miscarriages at all because they just didn't know what to say.
i liked when people referred to the loss of my child. because to me, they were children. not impersonal "losses." they had names. i imagined their faces. i envisioned lives and loves and families for them. even if they hadn't yet been born. in fact, for the children whose names we shared, i liked when people referred to them by name.
i hated when people said things like:
you'll have another
nature has a way of knowing...
there must have been something wrong (duh!)
if it was meant to be...
it happens to so many women
and, even though i never took anyone up on it, i liked when people left the door open by saying something like "if there's anything i can do" or "if you ever want to talk." in the midst of the crisis, i didn't turn to anyone but my closest friends. but i did feel like i could refer to my experience later without making those people uncomfortable.
and finally, no matter what people said, even though some of them said some (what i thought to be) unbelievable things--i think fondly of them. they were trying their best.
good luck. and my thoughts go out to your friends.
Shh -
One of my dearest friends lost her baby when he was a few months old. We were pregnant together, she was a few months ahead of me, and we communicated daily about first kicks, nausea, names, etc. Her baby was born while I was in my third trimester, and he was very sick, he was dying and suffering for his entire very short life.
I didn't know what to say to her - my heart was breaking for her, I felt like I should have some profound words of comfort, but I didn't. I wrote her a note finally and just said pretty much what I said on this post - that I was so sorry, and she and her family and the baby were in my thoughts and I was so sorry.
After the baby boy died, we talked about those months when she was going through the death and the initial grieving, and she said the most comforting thing for her were the notes and support - she even got letters from people she didn't know.
She told me the worst thing was when friends avoided her or worse, told her that her perfect infant's painful death was part of a bigger plan, he's in heaven, try again, etc.
One of my dearest friends lost her baby when he was a few months old. We were pregnant together, she was a few months ahead of me, and we communicated daily about first kicks, nausea, names, etc. Her baby was born while I was in my third trimester, and he was very sick, he was dying and suffering for his entire very short life.
I didn't know what to say to her - my heart was breaking for her, I felt like I should have some profound words of comfort, but I didn't. I wrote her a note finally and just said pretty much what I said on this post - that I was so sorry, and she and her family and the baby were in my thoughts and I was so sorry.
After the baby boy died, we talked about those months when she was going through the death and the initial grieving, and she said the most comforting thing for her were the notes and support - she even got letters from people she didn't know.
She told me the worst thing was when friends avoided her or worse, told her that her perfect infant's painful death was part of a bigger plan, he's in heaven, try again, etc.
Ok, so just a note, we shouldn't send them anything? I just want to make sure.
What Mimi and Lydial said: Acknowledgement, notes. A big hug, if your relationship is such, the next time you see her.
A note would be just fine and very appreciated. Just what Mimi & Lydia said.
A very close friend of mine brought flowers & dinner one night since we were expecting together at the time but that's an extreme case.
A very close friend of mine brought flowers & dinner one night since we were expecting together at the time but that's an extreme case.
shh-When my good friend gave birth to a stillborn (and knew for two weeks that it was stillborn) I waited for her to come home from the hospital and then wrote her a letter and brought a homemade supper to her and her husband on a tray with a bottle of wine and a little vase with a single flower in it. She later told me how much they enjoyed the meal and the wine together and thought about their child that they lost...Do not know if you can do the dinner part but I know that she appreciated my letter.
yes, a note would be considerate and shows them that you care and are thinking of them. If you or your husband feel you are close enough to them, you could even add a line like "if you need someone to talk. . ."
I agree, definitely the note, if you live close drop by a dinner as bgs said. I had a miscarriage a few years back and my friends left me a very nice letter and dinner at my door. It was greatly appreciated. It is amazing when something sad like this happens how people will avoid you. Just the smallest thing will mean so much.
I only ever got acknowledgment for one of my 14 losses. That non-acknowledgment for the rest still hurts. I go along with the note. What I really would have like is someone to ring in a couple of weeks, and see how I was doing, did I need help or someone for a coffee, or could we do the housecleaning together. It's just so hard to pick up the pieces later, and everyone thinks you go back to 'normal. But you don't, you can't. Your lives will never be the same.
Stay in touch and acknowledge the loss every so often. Don't dwell, just - ask. Both of them, not just her.
Stay in touch and acknowledge the loss every so often. Don't dwell, just - ask. Both of them, not just her.
Wow, thanks for all the helpfulness. They have a beautiful little girl but he comes from a large, close knit family so I know (among all the other reasons) that this must be so hard for them. He lost his dad and brother to cancer in the past 7 years and with this too, we really feel for them. Thanks again for everyone's honesty and helpful suggestions.
-S
-S
I agree that the most important thing is acknowlegding their pain and loss. A note, a card, flowers - these are all kind options.
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Just a small point, in general, regarding stillborn babies. The term "stillborn baby" is more appropriate and compassionate than the term "a stillborn". My son was stillborn in 1999, and it still upsets me to see a child referred to as "a stillborn" and I know I am not alone on this.
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Just a small point, in general, regarding stillborn babies. The term "stillborn baby" is more appropriate and compassionate than the term "a stillborn". My son was stillborn in 1999, and it still upsets me to see a child referred to as "a stillborn" and I know I am not alone on this.
AKB-I am so sorry if I offended youl
Never in a million years would that have crossed my mind as offensive. I stand duly corrected and will never use that terminology again without adding the word "baby".
I am so sorry for your loss.
Sincerely,
bgs
Never in a million years would that have crossed my mind as offensive. I stand duly corrected and will never use that terminology again without adding the word "baby".
I am so sorry for your loss.
Sincerely,
bgs
You can not reply as this discussion is Closed!
In the past, if I've known, I've offered my condolences in person, but I don't see the wife or husband, though my husband speaks to the husband often.
We'd like to let them know we're thinking of them. What's appropriate? My husband asked if he should send flowers, I didn't really think that was right. I thought a handwritten card would be better.
Any thoughts for dealing with this sad occasion?
:sad: