Kids bday party gift of toys or donation to 529 account or no gifts

I'm sure like most parents my kids have so many toys and don't need dozens more at their bdays. I've been invited to a few parties where the invitation states " no presents, your presence is present enough", but I ended up buying a gift each time. Felt weird going to party without a gift. How would you respond/ react to an invitation that said no gifts or in lieu of toys you could make a donation to a 529 account? We have a family party at the house where the kids get toys from their relatives. They open the gifts in front of the gift giver. The parties with their friends are off site and gifts are opened after the party.

Perhaps ask the kid what they would rather have...seems anyone younger than about 13 would prefer a toy. A donation to a 529 is more of a gift to the parent.

Tacky. If it's relatives and they ask, then the 529 donation is fine to suggest. If they don't ask, not appropriate to suggest.

And if not family but kids friends, even if they ask, the 529 suggestion shouldn't be offered.

A 529 could be great for family, but I tend to agree that it's not the best idea for friends. What I really like is the idea of donating to a charity of some kind that the kid is excited about. I've been trying to get my 5-year-old to think about this but so far no dice

Another option could be bringing gifts that are donated to Toys for Tots or The Parenting Center.

TarheelsInNj said:
A 529 could be great for family, but I tend to agree that it's not the best idea for friends. What I really like is the idea of donating to a charity of some kind that the kid is excited about. I've been trying to get my 5-year-old to think about this but so far no dice ">
Another option could be bringing gifts that are donated to Toys for Tots or The Parenting Center.

Agree. Another possibility is to use this as an opportunity for kids to cull existing toys they no longer play with and/or gifts they don't especially like and donate those to a source such as the Parenting Center that could find a good, loving home for them.

I pondered the same thing, but after asking family and friends, most agreed that putting money in a 529 it was something they would like to do. Now, following a friend's lead, we have been putting together "wish lists" for items that I will need in the future, such as clothes, school materials etc, that I can use as needed. I keep a list on Amazon where I add items as I see them. I have anything from sheets for his bedroom once we convert his crib to a full size bed, to lunch containers for school. For his next birthday I will enclose a link with the invite after stating, "No gifts necessary, but if you are compelled to bring one regardless, please consider an item from this list". This way, parents do not feel "odd" not bringing anything (since they always do anyhow, no matter what you tell them), and you get things for your child that you can truly use rather than yet another toy. When we do get toys, particularly at off site parties where we don't open them in front of the kids, we have been "hoarding them". We recently started doing a "behavior chart" and after every so many stars are achieved, he is allowed to open one of these gifts. This allow us to reward him for good behavior and put the toys to better use than to just open them all at once following the birthday party.

We are a little abnormal because we've only had one big friends' birthday party for our now 8 year-old. (Instead we go for the "experience" birthday celebration - like a show in NYC - which is not necessarily cheaper but definitely fun for the whole family and seems to be more memorable to our son.)

The one friends' birthday party we had was because he said he really wanted one for his 5th birthday, and we agreed on the condition that we would request no gifts. This didn't seem to be much of an issue for our son, since he knew he would still get presents from us and other family members and - perhaps importantly - he was also not already accustomed to getting a huge stack of presents at a birthday party (although he certainly attended/brought presents to his fair share of such parties, so he understood the possibilities). We told party guests on the invitation that instead of gifts we would welcome gently used toys to donate to a local charity that our son had helped pick out. We did get a lot of donations and our son went to the charity with me to deliver everything. He seemed very happy with how the party turned out, and was also totally fine going back to NOT having a kids' party the following year. I can imagine it might be harder to go the "no gifts" route if your child is used to having a big party with lots of presents.

We honor no-gift requests (or send a token item), but recognize that a third to a half of parents send a gift anyway. We open gifts promptly, because we believe that learning to write thank you notes is a very important (and painful!) skill.

We do purge to charity, and believe in actively helping the kids learn to do this (but we don't do it right after the party, so that no one accidentally goes to school and tells a friend that they gave away his/her gift).

We try to shift to no-gift or charity-gift parties as kids grow into the idea, but don't want to deprive our kids of the surprise gifts that are nothing like what we would choose for them -- sometimes they are all wrong, and sometimes they open new doors.

I have an immediate negative reaction to the idea of requesting 529 account donations or cash gifts outside of the family circle for many reasons (and would probably forever remember you as the parent who asked for them). The only time one of my children has explicitly asked family for cash gifts is as a teen saving for a major youth group trip.

My feeling is that you just don't ask for money as a gift from kids friends. Not now, not for a bar mitzvah or sweet 16. If someone asks you for an idea for your child, you can always suggest a gift card to a book or toy store that you shop at anyway, leaving you some extra space to contribute to the 529 plan yourself. And, yes, as someone said, a 529 donation seems like a gift to the parent, not the child.

When we give gifts, we like to pick them out. Sometimes I buy things when there are great sales and keep them in a gift stash, so that I can give a nice gift at discount. Other times I take my child shopping to give him practice in picking a special gift on a budget for a special friend. I attach gift receipts when I can.

But I don't like being given a shopping list, as if I were your personal shopper rather than a gift-giving friend. Save the registries for big gift-giving occasions, like weddings or new babies. I'm not giving school supplies or sheets as a kid-to-kid birthday gift. If I want suggestions, I'll reach out and ask for them, or I'll give a gift card to someplace with a wide selection of gifts.

I know that people ponder these questions from a good place - they're trying to be fair, teach their kids the right things, and it helps to not have more "stuff" lying around, but I'm a firm believer in not making gift giving complicated. Just let people give gifts...whatever they want to give. That's kind of the way gift giving works. I understand there are certain occasions where a registry is an option people provide, but birthdays aren't one of those occasions. I say you take care of the party and let them take care of the gifts.

That makes sense. I agree on the delight in unexpected surprises and I love seeing reactions like " oh, now I have two of these, I'll give one to Jane" or "oh, Nick remembered I love dogs!". My favorites have been the hand drawn cards from the kid to the kid drawing a picture of them together. My niece in particular gets so excited at seeing those.

TigerLilly said:
I know that people ponder these questions from a good place - they're trying to be fair, teach their kids the right things, and it helps to not have more "stuff" lying around, but I'm a firm believer in not making gift giving complicated. Just let people give gifts...whatever they want to give. That's kind of the way gift giving works. I understand there are certain occasions where a registry is an option people provide, but birthdays aren't one of those occasions. I say you take care of the party and let them take care of the gifts.

Agree 100%. We have never had an issue in our family/friends circle with gift giving. Allowing people to think of you and buy you what they love and hope you do too is wonderful. I love buying the kids special things, and I love when my loved ones do it for me too. Though I must say I also love that @bets almost always gets me my favorite thing, and I kind of know it's coming... ;-) I love giving gifts even more than getting them... And lots of us do!!!

My big issue with the gift giving is at a lot of parties it feels almost like an "admission fee." Especially the ones at a facility where you walk in, drop the present in a bin and then go play. If people want to give a gift, I think that's lovely... I just never want our friends to feel obligated to bring one, or feel they shouldn't attend the party if they can't/don't want to bring a gift.

I've honored that request by making a donation in the child's name. You can "adopt" or help pay for a zoo animal's upkeep, donate to The Heifer Project or One Simple Wish, which fulfills wishes of kids in foster care. You can also buy a book for the library in the child's name.

We wouldn't ask for cash/529 donations. But I could see an older kid setting up a donation site to fund an extra special trip or other large, special purchase.

One year we gave out the link to an amazon wish list after 5 different invitees parents asked for something like that, but felt weird doing so.

My favorite year was when my kid turned two, and most invitees were adult friends and family -- we asked everyone to bring a favorite or inspiring book from their own childhood (regardless of the book's age/reading level), and to tell us what meaning it held for them. While we got a few duplicates (e.g. 3 copies of the wonderful The Story of Ferdinand), and a few predictable ones or ones we already had, we got a number of lovely and unexpected ones, and many with quite touching, inspiring, and/or otherwise interesting inscriptions in them or cards attached.

For this year, he's waffling between wanting to ask for a donation to charity in lieu of gifts (his idea) and the urge to get regular presents.

We do an Amazon Wish List for family, in part to give them ideas of his interests because they change so fast. We do that at Christmas too and it's really helpful. But I wouldn't do it for friends. I always get a little uncomfortable when I see the "registries" at Sparkhouse, though I understand the thinking

I recently attended a birthday party and went "outside" the Amazon wish list based on a comment made here regarding Snap Circuit - got the one with lights that you can hook up to music - and hoped for the best. She opened the gift and said "oohhh I really wanted this!" Her mom said, "you did?" She had seen it at a science fair at school. So - I do think sometimes those wish lists created by parents don't always reflect the child's interests.

I'll be honest. I have two kids and they get invited to a lot of parties. The thought of having to navigate donation sites and special gift request makes by head hurt. Generally, I go to our local toy store and get a gift card. This way I support a local business and the kid get's to pick what they want (they carry every possible toy, book, video game, etc and will order what's not there).

You can always give a book. Kids never have enough books.

"It's the thought that counts" so just let your kid give it some thought. It doesn't have to be a toy or some piece of junk and it doesn't have to cost too much. It could be a book, a CD, an article of clothing, a ticket to something, something edible... anything that they know they're friend would appreciate.