Family question

We are having a small (under 20 people immediate family only) gathering in honor of my mom in December (she passed away earlier this year).

My parents were divorced in 1979 and never had a good relationship (before or after the divorce from what my mom said).  My mom really disliked my dad after the divorce, though she always tried to be not too negative around us kids.  Dad has been remarried since 1981 and we all like his wife.

My dad now wants to come to the gathering To "support his kids and honor their mother".  I really don't want him there.  Frankly he was not a great dad (though not terrible either) and had almost no respect for my mother.  Interestingly  my brother and sister, who have way more reason to not want him there due to other issues, don't mind him coming.  My stepmother can't travel so it would just be him probably traveling with my family as his traveling ability is not great either.

Since my brother and sister have no problem with him coming I think I have to get over this but I am having a really hard time with it.  But I can't think of how I could tell him I don't want him there without hurting his feelings.  Plus my brother and sister (and of course my dad) think it would be nice to have the family all together (we all live in different states).  I really don't know why my feelings are so strong about this.  

Any ideas on how I can stop being so angry?  I am really making myself sick just thinking about it.

I just  bit the bullet and helped my father downsize after avoiding him for years. He had become so old and fragile, I couldn't bring back the anger. It didn't belong anymore. It was replaced with pity.

You may find that your father is no longer the person who you exiled from your life. Mine isn't.

At a minimum, don't make yourself sick whether you disinvite him or not. You're entitled to your feelings.  Given the history, it doesn't seem like a such a big slap in the face to tell him that you're not comfortable with his presence.  Of course these things are not really objective - you know him an yourself, we don't - so its hard to advise.

Btw, this post caught my eye because my parents were divorced in 79 and always had a bad relationship.   There was no chance, however, that either of them would show up at a memorial gathering for the other so I did not have that dilemma.   On the other hand, their joint presence at my wedding and a couple of other big family events did make me uncomfortable.   

wendyn said:

We are having a small (under 20 people immediate family only) gathering in honor of my mom in December (she passed away earlier this year).

My parents were divorced in 1979 and never had a good relationship (before or after the divorce from what my mom said).  My mom really disliked my dad after the divorce, though she always tried to be not too negative around us kids.  Dad has been remarried since 1981 and we all like his wife.

My dad now wants to come to the gathering To "support his kids and honor their mother".  I really don't want him there.  Frankly he was not a great dad (though not terrible either) and had almost no respect for my mother.  Interestingly  my brother and sister, who have way more reason to not want him there due to other issues, don't mind him coming.  My stepmother can't travel so it would just be him probably traveling with my family as his traveling ability is not great either.

Since my brother and sister have no problem with him coming I think I have to get over this but I am having a really hard time with it.  But I can't think of how I could tell him I don't want him there without hurting his feelings.  Plus my brother and sister (and of course my dad) think it would be nice to have the family all together (we all live in different states).  I really don't know why my feelings are so strong about this.  

Any ideas on how I can stop being so angry?  I am really making myself sick just thinking about it.

Actually out of the three sibs I am the closest to Dad and see him pretty regularly. He is a decent grandfather to my kids.  It is really just this situation that is making me angry as I feel like I am disrespecting my mom, but my dad would not understand that.

And I had no idea he would want to come!  Frankly if it had been up to me I would not have told him of her passing until all this was over. 

I wouldn't disinvite or not allow him to come. The two other siblings don't seem to mind it, and he wants to attend, so I think all of that is worth considering. He can attend, and you can still be angry at him - the two things aren't mutually exclusive. As to how to deal with that anger moving forward, I wish I had useful and meaningful advice, but don't. Best of luck.

You may find as jersey_boy did that things have shifted.  In any case, imo, you will have taken the high road and will not have anything to regret by "letting" him attend.

Condolences on the loss of your mother, and best wishes for a peaceful and meaningful gathering.

Maybe you would be less angry if, instead of thinking about it as your mother and father, you think of it as a man paying his respects to a woman that was once a big part of his life. 

wendyn said:


Any ideas on how I can stop being so angry?  I am really making myself sick just thinking about it.

This comes to mind.  

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”

If your siblings don't mind him around and he's a decent grandfather to your kids, let him come pay respects to the mother of his children. Their relationship was theirs alone for better or worse. Easier said than done, but hopefully spending time with extended family will keep you occupied? 

In any case, my condolences for the loss of your mom. Best wishes during this time. 

I think you've received great advice here. One more thng to think about is how your mom would feel about your distress. Perhaps she would tell you to do what is easiest for you?

Condolences, and I wish you the best with this situation and moving forward.

Maybe looking at it from the point of view that he did the best he could and let it go at that.

Be the bigger person,  in years to come you will be happy that you did.

Thanks all.  Guess I'm bring dad to Texas and biting my tongue. 

I feel for you. It would depend on what type of man he is TODAY. If you believe he can attend without bringing up past grievances, then he should come. If you believe he would say something about your Mom that would be disrespectful to her memory (and his children) and those at the gathering, then he should not attend.

Can you tell him that your mom didn't want him at her memorial? I know... lying... stretching the truth... It could almost be like, wow, you know you are always welcome to visit my children and me, but hey, I know mom, and as kind as it is that you want to pay your respects, I think you need to find time and place. 

In terms of your anger, I wouldn't try to get over it. I would just try to understand it. Lots of us have parents who divorced back then. My parents separated in 1980, spent 4 years fighting each other over a settlement (not like they were Rockefellas), and generally made a miserable situation (their relationship and our home) worse. A psychiatrist told me, the divorce wasn't the issue for you, it was their unhappy marriage that lasted a long time. So whatever your circumstances, if you are angry, explore it.

I would simply say, I've been thinking about it, and as much as I love you, I know Mom would be upset and I can't do it. If your siblings want to get together with you and your dad, a different kind of celebration can be arranged. 

Just my two cents.

We had a beautiful riverside memorial service for me Mum in May. Everyone was able to put petty (or long-standing) differences aside. I, perhaps more than anyone, had reason to resent her. She was a manipulative, petty, narcissist with low self-esteem, A baaaad combination. But I spoke at length to her younger sister, my aunt, before the memorial and learned a lot about her youth, her first days in NYC ( where she moved from Tiny Town, PA). I was able to write and deliverer an 8-page eulogy (or what John Oliver calls a fcuk-eulogy) using much of what I learned from my aunt, along with my and family memories, with only a bit of well-placed snark (delivered with some humor so people all laughed knowingly). I felt better and everyone else said it hit the right tone and frankness and respect. 

as long as this man wouldn't be rude or insulting or argue with anyone, let him come. He loved her for a time in his own way and he deserves a chance to pay his respects. I would bar no one from a funeral/memorial unless they were going to make trouble. Just do your thing and let him do his.