End of life decision

My dog, Brooklyn, is about 15 years old and I am really struggling with deciding what is right for her at this point. She began to have numerous accidents in the house several months ago. We bought a wee-wee pad base and she was pretty good about going on it until recently. She now goes anywhere in the house and without warning even though she used to let me know she needed to go out. She will sometimes even pee in her sleep and not realize it.

My heart is breaking to see her lose control like this but she seems happy otherwise. She doesn't appear to be in any pain. We've been to the vet and he suggested that I think about her quality of life as well as my own. I'm currently 8 months pregnant and it definitely is not easy on me to be cleaning up after her constantly, but I don't want to be making such a big and final decision because it is an inconvenience to me.

I just don't know what to do and am feeling really upset right now. I'd blame it on the hormones but the truth is that I just love my girl so much and don't know if I can say goodbye to her yet. I could use some words of advice or understanding from all my fellow MOL pet lovers..

@wallflower, we've all been there. I'm sorry that you are going through this. I had a 17 year old cat that was having accidents toward the end of her days, but otherwise seemed fine and in no pain. I just dealt with it, but it was easier cleaning up little bits of cat poop than dog pee and I was not 8 months pregnant! She ended up dying at home with my sons and I with her, but there's no one answer that works for everyone. I just wanted to let you know that whatever you decide, it's your decision and it will be the right one. You obviously love her very much. I wish I had better advice, but you definitely have my understanding - it's very emotionally, mentally and oftentimes physically taxing dealing with older/sick pets and making these decisions are heartbreaking. Have you talked to your vet?

Is something like this an option?

http://m.petco.com/product/123629/Vets-Best-Comfort-Fit-Disposable-Dog-Diapers.aspx

kriss said:
@wallflower, we've all been there. I'm sorry that you are going through this. I had a 17 year old cat that was having accidents toward the end of her days, but otherwise seemed fine and in no pain. I just dealt with it, but it was easier cleaning up little bits of cat poop than dog pee and I was not 8 months pregnant! She ended up dying at home with my sons and I with her, but there's no one answer that works for everyone. I just wanted to let you know that whatever you decide, it's your decision and it will be the right one. You obviously love her very much. I wish I had better advice, but you definitely have my understanding - it's very emotionally, mentally and oftentimes physically taxing dealing with older/sick pets and making these decisions are heartbreaking. Have you talked to your vet?

Thanks so much for your very kind words. I did talk to the vet after bringing her in for extensive testing. He said it's ultimately my decision but to consider that this loss of control could be very upsetting for her as well. I will probably be giving him another call this week as it's been a few months since we last spoke.

@wallflower

My heart goes out to you during this very emotionally difficult time. I don't know whether the following story will help you but I know that I wish I would have heard it myself years ago.

Our first dog was healthy, vital, and full of vim and vigor up until the age of 14. She had slowed down some of course but she was still active and engaged in our lives but at 14 it all began to change. Her degenerative myelopathy began to worsen and her kidneys began to fail her. We took her in to the vet every few months for checkups and every time my main concern was whether she was in any pain. Each time they assured me that she wasn't and so we continued to hold on even when she began to become disoriented in the house (bumping into walls, barking at random or invisible objects, clear signs of a diminishing mind). She too was having accidents daily (beginning at 16) and so we put up gates and confined her to the kitchen (with the tile floor) and a super comfy bed (which again she soiled daily.) I started a discussion with my husband about letting her go and he clearly wasn't ready so I backed off and more time passed. She reached 16 1/2 and I finally convinced my husband that it was time to say goodbye. She had almost completely disengaged with our family at this point. We called Dr. Barnes and she came to our house on a bright cool morning in November. She administered the sedative and our dog relaxed into our arms and I just began sobbing. Not entirely because she was going to pass on soon but because at that moment I realized how much tension she had been holding in her body for the past two years. I had been unable to pet her and stroke her because she was in too much discomfort and had been unable to tell us and I had been unable to hear or see it. I held her and stroked her (with Dr. Barnes kindly giving us all the time we both needed.) And I promised myself that I would never make that mistake again . . . of holding on too long.

15 years is a wonderfully long life for a dog and given that your life is about to become more complicated and busy soon, it actually might be the kinder decision to say goodbye to her now when you can give her your complete and total heart and care in her final days. Later, when you have a newborn to take care of, you might begin to resent her for her incontinence which would be unfair to both her and you.

No matter when that time comes, I highly recommend Dr. Barnes. She is truly an angel to animals and humans alike.

I am sending you an MOL hug!

Steve said:
Is something like this an option?
http://m.petco.com/product/123629/Vets-Best-Comfort-Fit-Disposable-Dog-Diapers.aspx

Thanks, Steve. I considered it, but think she would be so horrified by those it would just be torture. I think I'd also need to look into a cloth option as she would chew right through those!

Wow, thank you for sharing that @cupoftea. My heart hurts for your loss. I'll be sharing your story with my husband this evening when we discuss everything.

I will certainly be keeping Dr. Barnes in mind when the time comes. She helped us sending my family dog to heaven last year and was wonderful in a really terrible time.

Good luck and I'm sure that whatever route you choose will be the right one for all.

Just sending PVs, because it's an awful situation to be in. Failing continence is more than an inconvenience for carer and care-recipient; often, it's a sign of other illness rumbling in the background, just low enough not to be detected yet. More importantly, you might want to think about having a toddler to toilet-train while nurturing a frail-aged incontinent and possibly unwell beloved companion. How much practical help will you have during each day?

In our experience, our companion bravely carried for quite a while. But after a couple of years she let us know it really was too much effort, each day. By the time we calculated to human age, it just wasn't fair to her (she would have been over 110 if a human).

Whatever you decide, do remember: each family makes their own decision, and it's right for them.

I am dealing with that issue now with my best friend. He is 13+. We have been 'talking' to each other, and I have said to him, "When you become uncomfortable or incontinent, or your seizures are to much, that will be your sign telling me you're tired and have had enough." Unfortunately that day is coming soon.

It's a heartbreaking decision, you remember the puppy, good times, loads of love and joy. Yet seeing him uncomfortable, sad and a shadow of himself, and you know in your heart the decision will be sooner rather the later.

Love to you and Brooklyn, hopefully the time will come and you will both understand it was for the best, no matter how many tears you spill or how much you heart hurts.

Thanks, everyone. I really appreciate the support and kind words.

I've had to make this decision twice, and I know how difficult it is. The first was for a 13.5 year old terrier, who I loved dearly. She'd gone blind at the age of 7 due to a congenital liver problem. A restricted diet helped keep other issues in check, but for the last 6 months or so, she was having issues with incontinence, digestion and her skin. One day, she looked at me and I saw her eyes were empty - no spark, no vitality, nothing - I knew that day that it was time to let her go, gently and without pain. I gave her a final few treats, one last walk and held her in my arms as the vet put her down. Then I cried for a week.

The second time was more sudden. That dog - also dearly loved - was only 10 years old, but had had a degenerative spinal issue for years. For the last several years, he'd lost control of his bowels, but didn't seem to be in pain - we carried him up and down stairs and had little steps to get on the couch and bed. One morning, he just could not stand up. We immediately got him to the vet and found he could no longer support his weight with either his front or back legs. This meant no cart would help him. With him, at the end, there was a look about his eyes that sort of said "I'm done" - it sounds odd, but I've seen that same look with some humans at the end of their lives, too. We made the decision to let our pug go, also in our arms, surrounded by the family that had loved him.

It is so hard to say goodbye. I think we all pray that our companions will pass quietly in their sleep one evening, but it doesn't always happen. I think that, when you feel that it is time, giving them a gentle and loving passing is the last kind thing you can do for them. Knowing when it is time is the difficult part.

In both cases, we didn't do it for our convenience, but because the dog was at the end of a physical issue that would not get better, was not operable and would only get worse.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this now, at such a special time for you. I know you'll make the decision you feel is best for Brooklyn. It's never easy and you always will be second-guessing yourself: too soon? not soon enough? was she suffering? All you can do is get the best advice from a vet you trust and then follow your heart - ask Brooklyn - she'll let you know when it is time.

Going through this now with a 15 year old terrier. Our vet gave us medication for her incontinence--which worked. I tapered it down since she seemed to be extraordinarily thirsty on it. But it seemed to trigger something in her that the accidents are much less frequent. I am up several times a night to let her go outside. But she is no longer peeing in her sleep.And while I'm exhausted, she is far too happy of a dog in every other way to consider the alternative. Good luck!

Wallflower,

I wish there were some wise words, or some definitive answer, I could impart. Brooklyn has had a wonderful life with you,you changed her fate,and gave her all the love a little dog can hold, and she gave it back to you, tenfold. Dogs live for us, we are their god. We have their lives in our hands, training them, keeping them safe,warm, happy, and helping them leave this life when the quality of their lives no longer allows them to be the ever loving companion and protector they want to be. You will know when when the time is right. You will know because she will tell you that she is ready. Listen to your heart. She will speak to it,just like the day you first saw her.

<3

Have also been down this road more than once. Never easy but a humane and loving way of saying goodbye. Sending you hugs and best wishes. May your happy memories of your pooch help you through

On Thursday, Cosmo let me know he had enough. I am grateful he is out of pain and in a better place.

MsSumida said:
On Thursday, Cosmo let me know he had enough. I am grateful he is out of pain and in a better place.

I'm sorry to hear this, but I feel sure he had a good life and knew he was loved.

Right now, your memories are full of the painful, older Cosmo who adored you and wouldn't leave your side. May memories of younger, friskier Cosmo soon replace the sadness and fill some of the aching void.

My sweet Brooklyn had a stroke early this morning and has passed away. My heart is broken but I am grateful that I was there to comfort her and say goodbye. Feeling pretty shell shocked right now. 

I'm so sorry to read this, wallflower. My last dog died in my arms after a short, devastating illness. I understand your shock and sorrow too well. Brooklyn was such a part of your life for so long that you will grieve for a long time....but at some point, you'll remember her with a smile rather than a tear - or at least a smile will be there along with the tear. I will light a candle to guide her over the Rainbow Bridge - in our online pug community, that's what we always do when one of our companions leaves.  (((hugs))) to you today.

Such sad news! May memories of happier times shine through, to help comfort you . And may the hole in your heart soon find itself being filled with the loving presence of another small companion. 

My heart is broken for you, Wallflower.  I hope the 4 months since you started this thread have been filled with the love and devotion only a dog can give, and some sweet memories. This is never easy, and especially hard on Thanksgiving. Be gentle with yourself, and instead of her last moments try to remember those when she found you, and was happy to be home, at last, in your heart. That is where she will always be.

Much peace and love,

Calli

Thank you, ladies. I really appreciate it. I like to think she waited for our son to be born and settled in before she left. He's definitely helped with distracting me from my grief a bit and his smiles help soothe my aching heart. 

I was supposed to host Thanksgiving for the first time yesterday in our new home, but my mother most graciously took over and held it at her house instead. I just couldn't do it. It was good to be with loved ones on such a sad day.

Brooklyn's sister, Betty, seems very down today. I'm sure she's feeling this loss as well. My husband brought her to see Brooklyn as she was dying and she left the room shortly after Brook was gone. She's hanging near me today and slept on the tshirt I wore yesterday while I was hugging Brooklyn. I wish I knew how to help her better..

You just have to let her grieve. Give her extra TLC for a while. She will come back to herself in her own time. I am so sorry, wallflower, I know this is so very hard.   

Yes, dogs do grieve. Betty will cope with this loss in her own way and time. I'm sure you will comfort each other as time starts to heal you both.   I know when Freddie passed so suddenly, I didn't want to eat, do anything fun or much of anything for quite a while. My daughter's little dog was the only thing that sort of cheered me up when they would visit. It is an enormous loss when one of our pets passes on. I know people mean well, but saying "It's just a dog" or "Why don't you just get another one?" doesn't really help. I hope you don't get any of those comments. 

Brooklyn was Brooklyn, and she was unique and you and she had a connection that won't be severed, it will just be changed - and she'll always stay in her special place in your heart.

Sorry for your loss. I'm glad you were able to be there at the end.

So sad for all of you, wallflower. We lost our cat Hoodwink in August, and while the acute sadness recedes, I still miss her every day and sing little songs to her as if she were still here. That way I keep her near in my heart, and it cheers me to think of all the fun we had with her in her too-short life.

Glad you have Betty and your new little one to bring comfort, and hopefully the happy memories will slowly crowd out the sorrow of loss.

Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss, Wallflower. Give Betty extra hugs and take some for yourself.  >< 

I'm so sorry Wallflower.  Very sad.