Do I Say Something?

Do I tell my good friend that I know her husband is having an affair?  I am 100% certain he is and this is not the first time. Do I stay out of it?  How can I go to their house, go out to dinner with them knowing what he is doing?  Should I use my better judgement and ignore it. 

Give her husband the option to fess up first.

It is very likely she already knows or suspects. I guess it depends on how close the two of you are, as to whether to say anything or not, and are you absolutely sure? I would stay quiet for now and see how the situation unfolds.  

kmk said:

Give her husband the option to fess up first.

Yes what to the above, much simpler.

kmk said:

Give her husband the option to fess up first.

By approaching him first?  That could also backfire in a number of ways, particularly if he denies it, or let's on that he was approached first and not her, or... Etc.

I am much closer to her than her husband. I do not think I could approach him.  I am afraid whatever I do it will ruin our friendship. But I feel that she should know.  He is very well known in town. A pillar of the community.

Then she will find out on her own.....if she does not know already.

It depends on how "good" a friend she is.     If this was happening to one of my closest friends, who I have known through thick and thin, who confided in me, who I know would tell me if she suspected anything, and I was absolutely sure that telling her would be helping her rather than hurting then yes I would find a way to tell her.    Otherwise, absolutely not.   I have been in that situation more than once in a variety of circumstances and did not tell and never regretted it.

How about an anonymous letter? You do your friend a service by letting her know (if she actually doesn't know) and alleviate your concern about leaving her in the dark without jeopardizing your friendship. Then she can decide for herself if she is going to confide in you or not. 

If it were me, I might go about informing her by asking leading questions so she can connect the dots. Don't you think it's strange that xxx? Oh, I saw your husband with xxx last night, I guess his work trip was cancelled? Etc. but be prepared for endangering your relationship if you are pointing out things she is actively trying to ignore!

As someone who has been a little dense and a little blunt, I might say, "Do you and XXX have an open marriage?"

You mentioned this is not the first time. So she may know about this time or may suspect. I would stay out of it unless she brings it up.

I don't think anyone can advise you as to what to do in this situation.  Go with your instincts and do what you think is right but tread carefully.  Whatever you decide, you will not be able to take back that action (or inaction) at some later date.

I would suggest you say nothing.

If the wife doesn't know her husband is a philanderer, she may not be paying attention. Or, she may know, but is trying to avoid setting a match to what is left of her marriage.

Be a good friend and be there for her. You are not deceiving her, her husband is -- or is not.

Well known?  Pillar of the community?  That means there is a group in town opposed to the pillar.  That's how small towns work.  I think you are right not to go on at length on MOL.  Hurts her dignity.

I would stay out of their marriage. 

I have been there with a sister of mine of all people. Her husband got me a job where I happened to be working in Miami with a coworker of his working in Puerto Rico.the coworker told me of this long term affair of my  BIL in Puerto Rico. When he came back to the states I confronted him alone and he said it was over. This was back in 2001. I watched he and my sister over the next few years and wound up never telling my sister. There was no reason to hurt her.

Ps. I have dinner and sleep  overs and family gatherings often. This is the first time I have said anything about it to anyone. No one in my family knows what I know other than him and I am confident it will stay that way for another 15 years.

and just to add another point of view, I was married to a philandering husband. It was when he slipped up and exposed himself that damaged our trust, relationship and marriage. Outside gossip did nothing when shared with me. Even decades later sitting with a friend at her house and her saying to me it was the outside sex that was not good for us, stung me to the core. I felt it was none of her business.

oneofthegirls said:

and just to add another point of view, I was married to a philandering husband. It was when he slipped up and exposed himself that damaged our trust, relationship and marriage. Outside gossip did nothing when shared with me. Even decades later sitting with a friend at her house and her saying to me it was the outside sex that was not good for us, stung me to the core. I felt it was none of her business.

This latest comment is weird imo. You were upset and then decades later you decide it wasn't your friend's business? Either you're confused or not explaining the situation very well. 

To the OP, go with your gut. That is usually the best. (If you're not too neurotic a person that is.)

Wendy Lauter

oneofthegirls said:

I have been there with a sister of mine of all people. Her husband got me a job where I happened to be working in Miami with a coworker of his working in Puerto Rico.the coworker told me of this long term affair of my  BIL in Puerto Rico. When he came back to the states I confronted him alone and he said it was over. This was back in 2001. I watched he and my sister over the next few years and wound up never telling my sister. There was no reason to hurt her.

Ps. I have dinner and sleep  overs and family gatherings often. This is the first time I have said anything about it to anyone. No one in my family knows what I know other than him and I am confident it will stay that way for another 15 years.

I appreciate your comments. 

breal said:

Well known?  Pillar of the community?  That means there is a group in town opposed to the pillar.  That's how small towns work.  I think you are right not to go on at length on MOL.  Hurts her dignity.

I don't know anything about a group opposed to him.  He is very well known and active in the community.  He is on MOL so maybe he will read this and use his better judgement. 

Karenmol, since you are so concerned for your friend, I think you should stop this thread now. Her personal problems should not be exposed by you, her friend, including hints about her husband on a public message board. Not good.

Karenmol said:

He is very well known and active in the community.  He is on MOL so maybe he will read this and use his better judgement. 

Wish I could know how many affairs in town stop now due to various men who think of themselves of pillars of the community reading this, getting scared, and using their better judgement.

Pablo? 

wendy said:

oneofthegirls said:

and just to add another point of view, I was married to a philandering husband. It was when he slipped up and exposed himself that damaged our trust, relationship and marriage. Outside gossip did nothing when shared with me. Even decades later sitting with a friend at her house and her saying to me it was the outside sex that was not good for us, stung me to the core. I felt it was none of her business.

This latest comment is weird imo. You were upset and then decades later you decide it wasn't your friend's business? Either you're confused or not explaining the situation very well. 

To the OP, go with your gut. That is usually the best. (If you're not too neurotic a person that is.)

Wendy Lauter

Hmm...my marriage was from 1966 to 1977. This friend was mine during this time. We since led separate lives after my divorce and we reconnected in the late 90's. We were just enjoying our friendship and she brought up the past. It  hurt to be reminded and that is all I meant. That kind of news to me was between my ex and myself. I had no interest in discussing it with her. Even decades later.

kmk said:

Give her husband the option to fess up first.

An anonymous note to HIM at his office, marked P & C, should give him the spark to fess up.  Your note should mention the other woman's name.  Then I'd let them work it out.

BTW why aren't you worried about telling HER husband, if there is one?

Exactly apollo_t. Wish someone told that to my ex.  Maybe they did and he just couldn't stop. It took the third wife to put the chain around his neck and keep him leashed. I just never had it in me. Wife number 3 succeeded kind of for over thirty years. He died last August may he rest in peace.

shh said:

Pablo? 

You win MOL.

If my husband was cheating and my friends knew and didn't tell me...I'd be pretty pissed when I found out. It would compound the betrayal.

Ask her what she would do if she knew someone's spouse was cheating- if she says she would leave it alone or tell there is your answer

Karenmol said:
 He is on MOL so maybe he will read this and use his better judgement. 

Ugh. IMHO, that's not using very good judgement on your part.  I'd consider removing this thread.