Dave Barry's colonoscopy archived

For anyone who has been through a colonoscopy, you'll enjoy reading humor columnist Dave Barry's remarks on this topic.

.... I called my friend Andy, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies. I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind – like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.

Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ...'

... and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

I stayed awake and watched my procedure on TV. The doctor explained the whole trip and even gave me a lovely photo of my colon as proof of the visit.

BTW. I love Dave Barry's humor

I opted to stay awake too but I guess whatever they gave me 'to relax' worked a little too well...

Posted By: scullyI opted to stay awake too but I guess whatever they gave me 'to relax' worked a little too well...

I don't Think I WANT to know what THIS means! :shocked:

BTW,

I had to get this done but while they were at it my Dr. informed me they would also need to put the scope (same machine) down my throat to check my stomach.

Laughing (after they pumped me full of happy juice) I told my Doc to MAKE SURE he did the MOUTH FIRST! :wink:

Yes, I was also told that the doc wanted to examine me from both ends - I asked for a photo of one camera probe looking at the other. They thought that was a strange request for some reason.

Dunno why, I was just asking for a souvenir of their journey.

What a great write up on the experience!!! I love Dave Barry. Colonoscopy was the best sleep I ever had. The prep....not so much.

Who is David Barry? I suffered through one of these a couple of months ago. I was really pissed at the doctor when I was finally able to get in touch with him for the results and he tells "the tests were negative for Hemorrhoids ." Hello!! What the h does this have to do with the swelling and pain in my abdomen.

You should have gotten results right away, JTA. I knew before leaving from my colonoscopy what the results were. It's not unusual that your doctor would have looked at hemorrhoids during a colonoscopy, as they can cause bleeding and other issues, and that is often something that is looked at when a patient complains of certain symptoms. However, it doesn't seem to have answered your concerns.

I would suggest that you make sure your doctor is addressing your concerns and if he isn't, find a new doctor right away. Don't be shy about getting appropriate medical care.

Dave Barry is a humor columnist.

I also had to have the endoscopy and colonoscopy at the same time. My doctor called it a "double dipping" - eww!!

Posted By: just the auntWho is David Barry?

Are you asking that AFTER reading his column above? Clearly, Dave Barry is a highly funny writer. His column is no more, but you can buy books of his. You will laugh at every page.

Dave Barry has never failed to elicit hysterics from me.

This does remind me: I need to schedule my scope. Argh.

tl
nope not only didn't he tell us anything that day; it took at least two weeks to be him on the phone. i already asked my primiary for a new soctor. my complaints had to do with the caboos. i'd be complaining about abdominal pain.

For those of you contemplating a colonoscopy, the prep has become much easier. It's not a walk in the park butt it's also nothing to dread.

Posted By: jefflFor those of you contemplating a colonoscopy, the prep has become much easier. It's not a walk in the park butt it's also nothing to dread.

jeffl said butt. :wink:

huh huh huh huh... butt...

I love Dave Barry; he is funny and irreverent--a great combination.

When I did mine last year, I did the pills, not the drink. I don't understand why anyone would drink that stuff. Go for the pills. No walk in the park, but that drink sounds awful...

Posted By: Tom Reingold

Posted By: just the auntWho is David Barry?

Are you asking that AFTER reading his column above? Clearly, Dave Barry is a highly funny writer. His column is no more, but you can buy books of his. You will laugh at every page.

He has a blog and does produce a column every once in awhile for the Herald: http://blogs.herald.com/dave_barrys_blog/

Posted By: TigerLillyNo walk in the park, but that drink sounds awful...

THAT I definitely would NOT recommend after taking either the pills or the drink...

Hee hee..... :devil:

[Dave Barry is also credited with being part of the inspiration behind International Talk Like a Pirate Day on September 19 each year. Please, now, enjoy your colonoscopy chat. Arrrggh :pirate:]

Posted By: deiscaneHe has a blog and does produce a column every once in awhile for the Herald: http://blogs.herald.com/dave_barrys_blog/

I'm grateful for that! I'll read it from now on. I'll add it to my RSS reader.

If you folks don't know about Google Reader, you should!