Bat Mitzvah Gift archived
I gave $54 for the last one I went to. Seems like $36 is the typical kid to kid amount. But my info may be out of date.
It doesn't have to be a multiple of $18. It's just a custom, and usually makes more sense when it's an obvious multiple, like $36 or $180. I would say around $100, I think. Does that sound about right?
In this situation, I'd say $50 or $100 would be okay. I got that from people with whom we have similar relationship.
Really? That seems awfully low to me, for a couple going to a business associate's child's Bat Mitzvah. I would say $180, minimum.
I would also say about 100 per person (200 for couple). Black tie and only grown-up couple attending means forget the kid amounts. If its a very fancy place (or in the city) I would actually say 250. sorry. Hopefully the food will be good and you will get to dance (hey, dinner and a show for that much ain't bad)
Depending on the relationship, I agree with shh.
I'd send $180 if we had rsvp'd no, but would increase it depending on the party type (probably double for a black-tie reception & for a close work relationship). Multiples of 18 is a nice sentiment. (for those who don't know, the hebrew letter that represents the number 18 also spells the word "chai" which means "life")
I'd send $180 if we had rsvp'd no, but would increase it depending on the party type (probably double for a black-tie reception & for a close work relationship). Multiples of 18 is a nice sentiment. (for those who don't know, the hebrew letter that represents the number 18 also spells the word "chai" which means "life")
Posted By: shhReally? That seems awfully low to me, for a couple going to a business associate's child's Bat Mitzvah. I would say $180, minimum.
Maybe $50 is a bit on the low side, but $100 is certainly sufficient.
I think $100 is absolutely fine. It's a gift - not a reimbursement for the meal.
For a couple? Sorry, I must disagree with you. I am not one to feel the need to pay for a plate if it's an outrageously extravagant affair, but for a couple I couldn't see giving less than $180/$200 or more if you have the means and want to be generous.
Now, if things are really tight financially that's a different story. I would never want to overgive for appearances' sake and don't think it's necessary to go overboard.
Now, if things are really tight financially that's a different story. I would never want to overgive for appearances' sake and don't think it's necessary to go overboard.
The cash gift thing is just still new to me. I don't like it! I say - buy a gift.
I was thinking $180 also, so I am glad I'm in the right ball park. Since I don't know the young lady, I would rather give a check because I have absolutely no idea what her tastes are. If my child were the invitee, I would probably go for $36 or $54, but I have a feeling this is a pretty adult type Bat Mitzvah.
You know, it strikes me as ironic that we consider the cost/location of the party as a basis for the size of the gift. So, a girl whose parents don't have the means to pay for a fancy party gets a smaller gift for a more modest affair, whereas one whose parents are wealthy gets a larger gift. Clearly, the girl from the less well-off family has more of a need for a generous gift, say, to save towards college, whereas the wealthier family clearly doesn't need your largesse.
That being said, you do need to weigh your own financial circumstances, as well as your husband's relationship with said colleague. Apparently, more people here are in the camp of a larger gift than a smaller one, so perhaps I'm out of whack.
That being said, you do need to weigh your own financial circumstances, as well as your husband's relationship with said colleague. Apparently, more people here are in the camp of a larger gift than a smaller one, so perhaps I'm out of whack.
Jasper, no I am with you on that. If it was a backyard affair for a couple who didn't choose (or have the funds) to spend 25-50k on the affair I'd give the same, just as I'd do for a smaller wedding vs. a big Saturday night affair.
Algebra2--please don't buy gifts for events like these. A great part of the time, the gift that you've chosen is not what the receiver needs or wants. You then cause the receiver an extra trip to the mall to return your gift, or, if it's not returnable, the receiver is then stuck. Cash in any amount is always best for weddings and bar mitzvahs.
Ellie - Have to disagree. I can't comment on Bar/Bat Mitzvahs but for a wedding to give $$ would be considered kind of tacky in many circles.
I have only been to Bat Mitzvahs and have bought something from Tiffany's (not engraved) that could be exchanged - I think I did a silver bracelet last time.
I have only been to Bat Mitzvahs and have bought something from Tiffany's (not engraved) that could be exchanged - I think I did a silver bracelet last time.
I completely disagree as well. It is not a bad idea to ask the parents what the kid wants, and then get a gift.
Oct 20, 2008 at 12:28pm Edited
Personally, I think it's awful to give money gifts. Sends messages of : Last-minute, couldn't care about the occasion or the person, no effort to find out at all.
This occasion is about sending the girl on her spiritual path. There are many wonderful presents that would be suitable with a little basic research: even if you turn that cheque into an equivalent amount gift voucher at a religious items store (for example) so she can purchase her own 'glory box' in seder plate, tallit (if she's Reform), reading matter, etrog box, spice box, her own kiddish cup, candlesticks, chanukiah etc.
But then, I'm from another continent :wink:
This occasion is about sending the girl on her spiritual path. There are many wonderful presents that would be suitable with a little basic research: even if you turn that cheque into an equivalent amount gift voucher at a religious items store (for example) so she can purchase her own 'glory box' in seder plate, tallit (if she's Reform), reading matter, etrog box, spice box, her own kiddish cup, candlesticks, chanukiah etc.
But then, I'm from another continent :wink:
I think that the giving of money vs. gifts might be a bit of a cultural thing. For example, I usually bring money to Jewish weddings but am more likely to purchase a registry gift for my Christian friends. At my wedding, we were more likely to get cash from Jewish friends (and definitely relatives) but all of our Christian friends brought us registry gifts.
Joanne, your suggestion sounds lovely, but I do think that in the US adults are more likely to bring cash (but I will send my child to a Bat-Bar with a present instead if we know what the child might like).
Joanne, your suggestion sounds lovely, but I do think that in the US adults are more likely to bring cash (but I will send my child to a Bat-Bar with a present instead if we know what the child might like).
In this area, based on my experience, a cash gift for a bas mitzvah from an adult will be the norm, particularly if you don't know the child. It does not have to be a multiple of 18. $100 would be a very low gift in this circumstance. $180 is acceptable (I'd probably do at least $200). If it's a SO/M family, my experience is that gift amounts are lower than in Short Hills or Livingston or NYC.
Don't get me wrong - it's a growing trend here, too. I just deplore it and the circle in which my family moves (in three capital cities) also does. 20 years ago, you never heard of anyone except those with no manners ever giving 'just money' for these occasions. If you're close enough to be invited, you find a gift unless the invitation states otherwise.
Over the 2 decades of my marriage, we've moved from nice and maybe lifetime presents for a 12yr-old girl, to nothing less than diamond & gold jewellry to now massive-$$ gifts?? Then we wonder about the impacts of unthinking/conspicuous consumption, a sense of entitlement to big-ticket items....This isn't a tirade, or a lecture, really. Just a comment from the otherside of the world.
One of the best barmy gifts I've recently seen was to a girl interested in science and sustainable ecology, who's maybe going to be a vet. A business associate who didn't know the family well donated in her name to Greenpeace or something similar (I can't remember the exact charity). The donation was the size of what they'd spend on a gift. The girl was ecstatic.
Over the 2 decades of my marriage, we've moved from nice and maybe lifetime presents for a 12yr-old girl, to nothing less than diamond & gold jewellry to now massive-$$ gifts?? Then we wonder about the impacts of unthinking/conspicuous consumption, a sense of entitlement to big-ticket items....This isn't a tirade, or a lecture, really. Just a comment from the otherside of the world.
One of the best barmy gifts I've recently seen was to a girl interested in science and sustainable ecology, who's maybe going to be a vet. A business associate who didn't know the family well donated in her name to Greenpeace or something similar (I can't remember the exact charity). The donation was the size of what they'd spend on a gift. The girl was ecstatic.
Cash can equal college funds, and may be much appreciated given what the family has just spent to feed and entertain you. We give gifts to people with whom we are quite close, and cash to most others.
We try not to scale the gift to the size of the party, as we don't really agree with the more over-the-top parties we've seen. But our gift is definitely more like $180 than anything less for any event at which we have been fed and entertained. (if we really don't want to give that much, then we send regrets, and a smaller gift).
We try not to scale the gift to the size of the party, as we don't really agree with the more over-the-top parties we've seen. But our gift is definitely more like $180 than anything less for any event at which we have been fed and entertained. (if we really don't want to give that much, then we send regrets, and a smaller gift).
Posted By: soresidentIn this area, based on my experience, a cash gift for a bas mitzvah from an adult will be the norm, particularly if you don't know the child. It does not have to be a multiple of 18. $100 would be a very low gift in this circumstance. $180 is acceptable (I'd probably do at least $200). If it's a SO/M family, my experience is that gift amounts are lower than in Short Hills or Livingston or NYC.
I concur with this. It is the custom for adults to give cash. If it matters to you where you fall in the range compared with the other guests, $100 will be on the low end, particularly for a business associate. There will definitely be business associates who give $350 or more. Of course you should give whatever you feel comfortable with. But if it DOES matter to you where you fall in the range, then I'd say about $250 would be acceptable for a business associate.
Those cash gifts...most families I know put aside about 10% for charity and save the rest for college. That makes such gifts extremely meaningful and truly useful. College is so pricey that if your gift buys, down the road, a calculus book or two, you have given a gift for the whole family's benefit. I think that's a wonderful thing!
An integral component of the bar/bat mitzvah ceremony (in many synagogues it is a requirement) includes the young person's development and execution of a "mitzvah (good deed) project". This might involve organizing a "fun"d raiser for a local or international charity, helping out at a foodbank, participating in a local service organization etc etc. In most cases, the young person often also pledges to donate a percentage of his/her bar/bat mitzvah gift money to the organization that they are supporting.
Posted By: joanneDon't get me wrong - it's a growing trend here, too. I just deplore it and the circle in which my family moves (in three capital cities) also does. 20 years ago, you never heard of anyone except those with no manners ever giving 'just money' for these occasions. If you're close enough to be invited, you find a gift unless the invitation states otherwise.
Interesting, because for my Bar Mitzvah I received checks and US Savings Bonds and that was 50 years ago!
Posted By: campbell29Black Tie Bat Mitzvah
That's a new one for me. Ick.
It's useful to know what the customs for gifts are, but you don't have to follow them. If you had to follow them, I don't think you could call it a gift.
Different areas, different gifting traditions -- and Joanne is located rather far from here, I believe!
Just remember, if you give a charitable gift, you are getting the tax deduction, not the recipient, so gross up accordingly ;-)
Of course, when you throw a wedding, bar mitzvah, or holiday party, any size gift is appreciated, especially from those known to be short of cash. But if someone of means attends the bash and gives well below the norm, it might be noticed...well, I wouldn't do that for a business associate!
Just remember, if you give a charitable gift, you are getting the tax deduction, not the recipient, so gross up accordingly ;-)
Of course, when you throw a wedding, bar mitzvah, or holiday party, any size gift is appreciated, especially from those known to be short of cash. But if someone of means attends the bash and gives well below the norm, it might be noticed...well, I wouldn't do that for a business associate!
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