Please help me get over my buyer's remorse

First time home buyer here.  Because this is such a crazy seller's market, we could only afford to buy a fixer upper if we wanted to stay comfortably within our budget.  Over the past year, we have done a lot to improve the house but the list goes on and on and on.  Some days I get so overwhelmed and frustrated and feel like we made a huge mistake.  There are some great things about our house but there are a lot of things I hate about it which I would not repeat if I were to sell and move to another house in the future.  Yes, we can take our time to improve things but I don't want this to be my "forever" house if possible. 

A lot of times I go over to another person's house in this area where the house was obviously a flip and is "done" and I feel house envy overtake me.  Or I'm envious that they're in a "better" neighborhood than me.  I know I should be grateful for the house I have but the buyer's remorse is getting to me...

Any thoughts or advice on this from seasoned home owners?  


You could come over to my house. It should make you feel better. But, yeah, it's a process, a looooong process...


An endless circular project. Once you've got everything done, go back to the beginning because some rooms are going to need repainting. And the floor finish is wearing away. And it's time for a new roof. And...

But the thing that keeps me sane is, you can only do one thing at a time. Just do that thing, and don't worry about the other things just yet. 


all houses need work.  when I got my house someone gave me a what looked like a piece of paper from a fortune cookie.  It said " owning a house means wherever you sit, you will something that has to be fixed".  

I have friends who bought houses they thought were perfect only to get stuck with large repair bills.  

The joys of home ownership... if you have remorse it should be about buying vs renting -- not whether you got the wrong house.  


Home ownership is not for everyone. The stakes are high. The standards are high in Maplewood and South Orange.


It doesn't help that HGTV makes fixing up a fixer-upper look so easy - you don't see the hordes of workers who are actually doing the work, or get a good idea of how long it takes, and no one stages your result to "perfection" when it is done. 

Everything seems to take longer than it should, costs more than you'd planned for, and creates more mess that you'd ever want. But, someday, it'll be done. Helps if you can focus on what you have gotten done rather than letting yourself be overwhelmed by what still remains to do. And a glass of wine helps, too!



I wouldn't say this as the OP clearly wanted to buy and did buy a home and is happy except for what we've all gone through and still go through which is the amount of work that needs to be done.

If it makes you feel any better, although our home is "done" we still find ourselves faced with big and small projects, sometimes on a yearly basis. So even when you're "done" you're never truly done. 

A suggestion to not overwhelm would be to tackle one floor at time. Bouncing around only means that areas on each floor are under construction and living through that on a daily is frustrating. It feels like nothing will ever be completed and it's overwhelming. So if you chose your first floor, you'll know that one day, you'll enter your home and the kitchen, dining and 1/2 bath are DONE and you can relax comfortably in either of those rooms and breathe a sigh of relief. Then tackle the ones above (or which ever order makes sense to you). 

These are old homes with lots of charm and character but they do require TLC. Insofar as the "standards" Tom referred to, not sure what that exactly means. We've all seen stately, well appointed homes and homes that really need to be bulldozed and lovely, cozy homes in MW and SO. People buy what they can afford, fix what they can fix and live the way they want to live. That's the best thing about home ownership 

Tom_Reingold said:

Home ownership is not for everyone. The stakes are high. The standards are high in Maplewood and South Orange.



I am going to remind you why you did the right thing.    You said this:

"Because this is such a crazy seller's market, we could only afford to buy a fixer upper if WE WANTED TO STAY COMFORTABLY WITHIN OUR BUDGET."

You are way way wayyyyy ahead of the vast majority of homeowners in doing this.    Props to you.


A number of people around here are on the second and third homes in the same town!  Think of this as your starter house...fix it up, sell it, move to your dream house. 

My sister and her husband bought their first home a year ago.  It was truly the worst house on the block (previous owner was an 80something woman who died in the house).  So far, they have sunk $40-50,000 just fixing stuff (new roof, siding, electrical, windows, plumbing, drainage, new toilets and sinks, new stove/dishwasher/refrigerator/washer/dryer, chopped down 3 dead trees).  My sister manages the stress by maintaining a spreadsheet of everything that needs to fixed/replaced.  Yes, she still has to cook in a "janky kitchen" (her words), one of the bathrooms STILL has a leak, and the beautiful weeping tree in the front yard started dying last month...but she sees the bigger picture.  She's creating a home that will be to her standards and increase in value.  What is your plan???



Of course, first take care of things that improve or maintain structural integrity of the house..roof, gutters and so forth. Then make a list of things that you want but are cosmetic improvements. Identify which you can do yourself and which need outside help. Do one or two per year. 

Yes, it is endless and sometimes, repetitious but again, it is yours and you will likely get the money back if you move. 

Regarding the neighborhoods -- I don't know which one you live in but mine is Clinton. In the last year or so, there are numerous contractor trucks outside of houses in the area. This will improve the value of all houses in our neighborhood. Yours will likely experience the same. 


Thanks everyone - this is super helpful to put things into perspective.  On the plus side, I am really pleased that we stayed within our budget in this market.  Everything was going into crazy bidding wars that I was unwilling to pay for so we went for our house that has lots of potential but was somewhat neglected and needs lots of TLC.  Our taxes are okay (for Maplewood/South Orange) and we have lovely neighbors. Just pulling out wall to wall carpet, refinishing the original hardwoods, replacing old tile with slate and painting the interior and exterior helped tremendously.  

On the downside, I didn't have great contractors at the start that I'm still kicking myself over. I still get annoyed over little mistakes. Now we've found some great people to work with but we didn't know what we were doing at first.  The street is busier than I thought it would be.  I guess I didn't care as much and now realize I do care.  

My next projects are major landscaping and the bathrooms.  All are in bad to mediocre shape and expensive so I'll need to prioritize.  


I'll try to clarify.

You have to decide what's worth your trouble and expense and what's not. Wherever you are, there is a tendency to keep up with the Joneses. The Joneses in Maplewood spend more money on their homes than they do elsewhere. I grew up in NYC when it was gritty. It's still a lot grittier than Maplewood in most places.

I can't say what's right for anyone but for me. I'm not saying you made a mistake, but I also can't say you did the right thing. It's not for me to say.


remember the tax breaks.  That always helps.  And don't watch any home shows.  


Our first house was the one we could afford in a pretty depressed area of Jersey City. In basically decent shape but hugely shabby and in need of enormous cosmetic help which I had to do myself as we couldn't afford pros. I was pretty excited so had a high level of energy for this, but still got tired from the years of constant projects.  We didn't even make any money when we sold in 1996!  But I learned a lot and in retrospect feel very attached to that house.  You are weary now, understandably, but chances are good you'll eventually decide it was a good move. PERSPECTIVE.

Flipped houses are often cheaply done in the latest, soon-to-be-dated styles. And you can't envy rich people; that way lies madness.



iwasmim said:

----
Flipped houses are often cheaply done in the latest, soon-to-be-dated styles. And you can't envy rich people; that way lies madness. usually on the cheap with little attention to quality. 

Agree, usually done on the cheap, with little attention to quality. 

Besides taxes, you are also building equity.


I love the neighborhoods over by Clinton! I looked at a few houses there that we seriously considered but for one reason or another had a deal breaker for us.  Our neighborhood also has a lot of houses that are being bought and rehabbed. It's good to see because it makes the neighborhood look nicer and will hopefully improve the value of our house.  

I know deep down we made a good financial decision.  We stayed within budget which was very tough to do in this market.  I know that with the improvements we have made and will continue to make, we should see a return on our investment. 

A lot of the flipped houses in our price range also were frequently decorated in a  way I wouldn't have chosen.  Also, I always worry that flipped houses have potentially been done on the cheap particularly in our price range.  At least if I'm fixing it, I can choose the contractors and see the work being done.  It's just hard because I'm admittedly a perfectionist and living in a very imperfect home with so many things to still do can grow overwhelming.  This is why I needed to hear some voices of reason.  

Formerlyjerseyjack said:

Of course, first take care of things that improve or maintain structural integrity of the house..roof, gutters and so forth. Then make a list of things that you want but are cosmetic improvements. Identify which you can do yourself and which need outside help. Do one or two per year. 

Yes, it is endless and sometimes, repetitious but again, it is yours and you will likely get the money back if you move. 

Regarding the neighborhoods -- I don't know which one you live in but mine is Clinton. In the last year or so, there are numerous contractor trucks outside of houses in the area. This will improve the value of all houses in our neighborhood. Yours will likely experience the same. 



I know the feeling that you get when looking at someone else's beautiful house.  We also used to feel that way.  But now that we've redone and updated parts of our house, I realize that we have a great house.  When you buy a flipped house, you get someone else's idea of what you want (and, as mentioned above, often done the cheapest way possible).  When you do it yourself, you get what you want, and you know it was done right.  I also feel that as each year goes by (and each project is done), I know our house better and better, I know its quirks and I know what problems have been fixed.  If we moved, we'd be back to the beginning, with who knows what surprises lurking behind those walls!


FWIW, we have been in the house 26 years and are finally doing the 1970s foil-papered bathroom upstairs over.  Prioritize, celebrate your successes, and love the things that come from owning your own house.  It is still the one thing that most reminds me I am really a grown up.


I’m in the same boat. Bought a “starter home” in a great town 6 years ago. We’ve made major improvements almost every year: new roof, updated kitchen, finished a scary basement, removed old aluminum siding (shocker: pristine cedar shingles underneath WIN!), updated bathrooms, etc etc. Still there’s so much more to do and in the end we still have a house that is too small for our family’s current needs. 

But here’s the rub. We can live in this house comfortablely on one salary. I was laid off earlier this year and knowing that we could maintain the house and relatively keep our lifestyle on one salary was a huge relief. When I visit friends with larger, more we’ll-appointed homes I also get house envy (and don’t get me started on HGTV - saw an episode of Flip or Flop yesterday where a renovated house in Atlanta was being sold for $299k!!!). But I remind myself that I’d much prefer an affordable house within an hour of NYC - and still have some money at the end of the day to dine out, vacation, save for college/retirement, etc. 

Hang tight. You’re not alone. 


And also, there is no rush.  Keep the outside decent to respect your neighbors and the inside happens when you are ready.


This doesn't have anything to do with the condition of the structure, but there's one thing I would do differently if I had it to do all over again:  I would furnish and decorate my entire house comfortably with Ikea furnishings—as a temporary measure until I could afford to buy permanent furnishings. We took so long to furnish/decorate our house because we waited until we found exactly what we wanted and could afford it. So our house didn't feel "full" for so many years. We didn't have what we needed to make the house comfortable. Looking back, it would have been a good idea to go on a shopping spree of sorts in Ikea and furnish the entire house inexpensively so that it could be functional and comfortable. Then we could take our time replacing each piece with what we really wanted. And of course we could sell the Ikea pieces on the Swap.


It is hard! But it helps me when I figure any time you spend money on the house, you will likely get a good chunk of that back in re-sale value. So it's "investing in my future" rather than "throwing wads of money at Home Depot." 



If you hope to buy low and sell high, it's still important to buy the right size house. You don't make more money if you buy something bigger than you need, because taxes and upkeep are higher, and you don't get those back.



addiemoose said:

It is hard! But it helps me when I figure any time you spend money on the house, you will likely get a good chunk of that back in re-sale value. So it's "investing in my future" rather than "throwing wads of money at Home Depot." 

I think this is misguided.  Most of the time you do not get your money back.  replacing gutters, fixing leaks, new outlets, etc will not change the value.  Even renovating a kitchen does not return dollar for dollar (in most cases).  

I remember when I sold my house -- new boiler, now roof, repaved driveway, finishing the basement, custom radiator covers, etc.  the only thing that increased the value of the house was adding a deck.  New bathrooms and renovated kitchen had minimal impact.  



The one thing you can't change is location.  Everything else comes with time.  The best advice I received was to do the structural work first: electrical, plumbing, pointing, roof and then worry about the cosmetic stuff later.  Don't be afraid to go slowly.  You may find that your more cosmetic tastes will change as you get to know your house and your needs in the house better.  The most expensive project is the one that you have to redo a second time because of something that didn't occur to you the first time around.


Totally relate.  We've been in the house for seven years and it feels sometimes like we haven't scratched the surface of what we want/need to do with it.  Sometimes it can feel overwhelming -- especially when we have our annual debate over big vacation vs. big house project for the year.   


One of the things that helped us is that we hired (since we have a VERY old historical house) an architect with expertise in historic homes to examine our house top to bottom and discuss our wants and desires, and he came up with a long term master plan for its upkeep and improvement.  It will be many years, if ever, before we will manage to achieve everything on the plan, and it will probably further evolve over time.  I'm not necessarily suggesting this for others, but it helped us a lot in easing our anxieties and setting our priorities.  Just gotta keep reminding ourselves:  one step at a time.



shoshannah said:

This doesn't have anything to do with the condition of the structure, but there's one thing I would do differently if I had it to do all over again:  I would furnish and decorate my entire house comfortably with Ikea furnishings—as a temporary measure until I could afford to buy permanent furnishings. We took so long to furnish/decorate our house because we waited until we found exactly what we wanted and could afford it. So our house didn't feel "full" for so many years. We didn't have what we needed to make the house comfortable. Looking back, it would have been a good idea to go on a shopping spree of sorts in Ikea and furnish the entire house inexpensively so that it could be functional and comfortable. Then we could take our time replacing each piece with what we really wanted. And of course we could sell the Ikea pieces on the Swap.

This is totally dependent on who your are and what your priorities are (that is, I am not saying Shoshannah is wrong, just that we are different).

We took the furnishings part slow, and learned how we actually lived in a house rather than how we dreamed of living.  Most important example, we never furnished our dining room.  We found it (still find it) much more useful as a swing space.  We can fill it with folding tables and chairs to seat 22 (or like Saturday, when we suddenly had to double the seating for break-the-fast), but last week it was my framing workshop, and in August it was the staging area for my son's college packing.  If we had filled it with "dining room furniture" we never would have learned how really useful a room it actually is!

We spent years with empty or half-filled rooms, and never felt the lack of 'stuff.'  Goodness knows, we have enough 'stuff' now!

YMMV


I've been in my major fixer-upper for 20 years and I just got rid of the brown 1970s kitchen sink last year.  When we moved in I had temendous buyers remorse.  There were dead things in the chimmney so the house was filled with horse flies and the basement smelled and the walls were covered with metallic paper and the floors had shag rug except for the ruined wood floors in dining and living rooms. But the fact that the house was bought IN BUDGET made all the difference--and the ony reason I'm still living here.  It's awesome to live in Maplewood.  It's the best place I have ever lived and I'm thrilled that I have managed to stay here.  My house is still a dump, but I love it.  Some of it is fixed up and my previous neighbors were asonished when I ordered new light fixtures from Rejuvenation.  They were fixing their house up to sell and they told me they bought everything cheap from Home Depot.  The place looked fabulous at the open house and went for way over asking price.  But then the new couple moved in and everthing started to fall apart.  So, don't be so envious at those flips--they often are superficial improvements.  


Thanks so much for pointing this out.  My husband was laid off a few years ago.  Because we were living well under our means, we managed to live on my salary until he found his current job.  I'm in a field in which I make a comfortable salary but it's certainly not ever going to make me rich.  That experience taught me that it's always good to live within our means which we can with this house.  We can pay off our mortgage and maintain the house on one salary which is liberating in a way.  And while I don't want this to be our "forever home," we could make it our forever home by finishing out the attic and basement if we needed to.  

Hahaha said:

I’m in the same boat. Bought a “starter home” in a great town 6 years ago. We’ve made major improvements almost every year: new roof, updated kitchen, finished a scary basement, removed old aluminum siding (shocker: pristine cedar shingles underneath WIN!), updated bathrooms, etc etc. Still there’s so much more to do and in the end we still have a house that is too small for our family’s current needs. 

But here’s the rub. We can live in this house comfortablely on one salary. I was laid off earlier this year and knowing that we could maintain the house and relatively keep our lifestyle on one salary was a huge relief. When I visit friends with larger, more we’ll-appointed homes I also get house envy (and don’t get me started on HGTV - saw an episode of Flip or Flop yesterday where a renovated house in Atlanta was being sold for $299k!!!). But I remind myself that I’d much prefer an affordable house within an hour of NYC - and still have some money at the end of the day to dine out, vacation, save for college/retirement, etc. 

Hang tight. You’re not alone. 




mikescott said:



addiemoose said:

It is hard! But it helps me when I figure any time you spend money on the house, you will likely get a good chunk of that back in re-sale value. So it's "investing in my future" rather than "throwing wads of money at Home Depot." 

I think this is misguided.  Most of the time you do not get your money back.  replacing gutters, fixing leaks, new outlets, etc will not change the value.  Even renovating a kitchen does not return dollar for dollar (in most cases).  

I remember when I sold my house -- new boiler, now roof, repaved driveway, finishing the basement, custom radiator covers, etc.  the only thing that increased the value of the house was adding a deck.  New bathrooms and renovated kitchen had minimal impact.  

I don’t know why your realtor wouldn’t  assign a dollar value on a new roof or boiler, because the prospective owner will. It’s just one more high ticket item they don’t have to worry about. 


In order to add a comment – you must Join this community – Click here to do so.

Sponsored Business

Find Business

Latest Jobs

Employment Wanted

Advertisement

Advertise here!