Houseguests marriage is dissolving

Sucks when your houseguests bring a poisonous air along with them. I love them both but their attempts to "work things out" every night at 4:00AM is really getting old!

Doors opening and closing, footsteps everywhere, hushed angry voices then sobs. Combine this with awkward interactions with each other during the day and I just wish they would go back home. :-(. I feel sorry for them but it makes me physically ill to witness their dissolution.

3 more days to go.... I need sleep!

So awkward for you - and so inconsiderate of them! Treat yourself and the house to something lovely once they're gone, to dissipate any residual bad energy.

And you're a very good friend for putting up with their imposition.

Don't count them down and out yet. They may be going through something very difficult that is hurtful to one or both of them.

It's very inconsiderate of them to "discuss" it at 4am though, in someone else's house no less. That, to me, shows an air of selfishness, or self-centeredness, that may end the marriage.

Oh wow. That's awkward.

Ask them how it's going, what's up with the 4AM meetings. Worst case scenario, all hell breaks loose.

Wow, I was part of that couple once. We took a scheduled vacation with the kids right after the marriage started to formally implode, but we did not want to back out--bad enough we knew the family was dissolving, so we tried to give them one last trip together as a family. At least that was our fractured reasoning at the time.

Huge huge mistake on our part, and once we were in it, we did not know how to get out of it--which about sums up the marriage, for that matter.

I did not mention that we are currently in our summer rental, a 1930's beach house with no insulation or sheetrock! The walls are simple tongue and groove paneling and the ceiling/floor is much the same. It has been like living on the other side of the confessional screen.

This vacation was supposed to be a time of rejuvenation for me and my family. We had a tough winter. As much as I love these two, I am angry at them for bringing this to my doorstep.

Silly me, I was tiptoeing around the kitchen this morning because their bedroom is adjacent and they are sleeping in. (I have to be up and doing things!) If the evil "me" had taken over I would have dropped the 20" wok on the floor by accident while unloading it from the dish rack. grrr

Yikes!!!!

eta: Why are you being quiet when they aren't? Maybe if they were forced to get up early they wouldn't be up all night.

Tell them to go home.

...and more to marylago's point, why continue to be a gracious hostess at the expense of your own family time? I might suggest that they would be more "comfortable" at a local hotel. When house guests impose their mishegoss on you, it is time to show them the door.

I would let one of them know privately that actually, you CAN hear them at night and aren't sleeping because of it. Could they please take a walk for their arguments? They may actually think they are quiet enough.

What's that famous saying, the connection between house guests and fish.....?????

NizhoniGrrrl said:

I would let one of them know privately that actually, you CAN hear them at night and aren't sleeping because of it. Could they please take a walk for their arguments? They may actually think they are quiet enough.

This is your best course of action. Maybe suggest a walk with whichever one you are closest with, and let then know you hear them. Offer to do what you can to help. But, let them know it's keeping you up and making you uncomfortable. I agree that they probably think no one has noticed.

I agree with the recent sentiments above. You are probably good friends with at least one of them or they wouldn't be there, so I get that you want to be supportive. However, if you are fantasizing about dropping large pots on the floor, the current situation is doing some damage to YOUR relationship with these friends.

Maybe tell the close friend(s) that while you love them and absolutely want to help support them through this difficult time, that your own family is a priority right now and you want to salvage some happier vacation moments with your growing-too-fast-kids and think they should either get a hotel (if even possible), or leave early. If they are as good a friend as you are, they will understand. I would like to think they are too wrapped up in their own pain to even realize they are subtlety poisoning the vacation for your family. You may feel bad when they first leave, but the dark cloud over the rental will lift and I suspect you will be relieved and happy you took the step. Sometimes being selfish is a very necessary and good thing.

Good luck!

mumstheword said:

What's that famous saying, the connection between house guests and fish.....?????


As Judge Judy says...after three days fish and houseguests start to stink.


mumstheword said:

What's that famous saying, the connection between house guests and fish.....?????


Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.

Benjamin Franklin

CapnMarko said:

mumstheword said:

What's that famous saying, the connection between house guests and fish.....?????


Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.

Benjamin Franklin

Benjamin Franklin plagiarized Judge Judy.

Yikes is right. How many nights has it happened?
From their side I could see maaaaayybe having a 4 am hubbub happen once, as stuff can happen spontaneously and unexpectedly. That would be very unfortunate, and if it did happen I'd apologize profusely to my gracious hosts and also go out of my way to do something nice for them.
If it started to happen a 2nd time I'd immediately take the conflict outside, then stay up, watch the sun rise, get a coffee, then go back to the house when people are awake, pack my things and leave. It's beyond inconsiderate to put someone else (your host no less!) through the stuff you describe night after night.

spontaneous said:

CapnMarko said:

mumstheword said:

What's that famous saying, the connection between house guests and fish.....?????


Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.

Benjamin Franklin

Benjamin Franklin plagiarized Judge Judy.


For that, I'll buy you a drink!

;-)

wendy said:

spontaneous said:

CapnMarko said:

mumstheword said:

What's that famous saying, the connection between house guests and fish.....?????


Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.

Benjamin Franklin

Benjamin Franklin plagiarized Judge Judy.


For that, I'll buy you a drink!

;-)

Make it an Irish Coffee and we're on.

Could be worse...
You could be in a tent at Ocean Grove!

I think you have every right to a good night's sleep and they need to be told that.
Surprised the neighbors aren't complaining given your description of the house.

Best Regards,
Ron Carter

adifferentone said:

NizhoniGrrrl said:

I would let one of them know privately that actually, you CAN hear them at night and aren't sleeping because of it. Could they please take a walk for their arguments? They may actually think they are quiet enough.

This is your best course of action. Maybe suggest a walk with whichever one you are closest with, and let then know you hear them. Offer to do what you can to help. But, let them know it's keeping you up and making you uncomfortable. I agree that they probably think no one has noticed.


I agree with this as well.

And know while this may stink for you in the short term, these events could be life-changing for them. Losing some sleep is very different than the dissolution of a marriage.

Yes, I would take your closer friend aside and say that you are very sorry they are going through a rough patch and that you understand; happens to us all. It would be kind to tell them that you know sometimes tensions are even aggravated by being guests, and they might work through things more comfortably with the privacy they need. And then tell them that it would be more comfortable for your family as well, and that you can always try a vacation together again when they are in better circumstances. Let them know that you hope that they will resolve their issues and that in any case there's no harm to the friendship, but that you think it's best to cut this visit short, for everyone's sake...

elle - if you are not a professional diplomat or mediator, I think you missed your natural calling. Very nicely phrased!

mammabear said:



I agree with this as well.

And know while this may stink for you in the short term, these events could be life-changing for them. Losing some sleep is very different than the dissolution of a marriage.


Yep. These people are in crisis and temporarily, unintentionally oblivious to the rest of life. It's not fun. Definitely tell the one you know best that you can hear them. He or she might be very grateful for the chance to talk.

Thank you all.
There are a number of circumstances that keep them from going home right now.

We are closer to the wife but she is also the one in a more tenuous, emotionally unstable place. It sucks but, I am absolutely certain, when I say something she is going to completely break down into a puddle of heaving sobs. Blech.

It is so strange. They have been married 25 years and during the day, in social situations, they behave as though nothing is wrong. There are even tender familiar moments between them.

I heard about the original "rift" a few months ago and witnessed some pretty heart-wrenching stuff.
I wish they would just TALK IT OUT in the AM and not keep sweeping it under the rug for the sake of their freakin' vacation!

I just checked the time stamp on your OP. :-(

I'll take the unpopular position and vote "look the other way." They are pretending to be invisible at night, and would hate to find out otherwise. You are doing a great kindness by providing moments of normalcy. Avoid the tarpit of triangulation.

I might approach it from a less specific, personal approach. Just say (to her), "hey, is everything ok?" Or "do you want to talk?" It might be enough to get her to open up to you.

Good on you for showing such kindness. I would have asked them to leave. No matter how good a friend they are we have a rule in our house about fighting in front of my 6 year old. She is very perceptive and once she took notice they would have to hit the bricks. We have been in a similar situation with a family member and his then girlfriend and it broke my heart to bounce them. Fortunately he understood.

In order to add a comment – you must Join this community – Click here to do so.