Advice needed - What would you do

So, according to my son, back in November, he and another boy in his class were in the bathroom alone. The boy asked him to play truth or dare and my son picked truth, which the boy thought was boring.  The boy then dared my son to dare him to perform oral sex on my son.  According to my son, he told the boy that that was going too far, but the boy insisted.  My son wanted to remain friends with this boy so he dared him.  They were about to start when a teacher knocked on the door interrupting them.

My son said he didn’t tell me sooner because he didn’t want any more trouble with this boy.  They’ve gotten into arguments this year and 2 years ago I told the school about this boy asking my son to compare penises for which he got in trouble and stopped talking to my son as a result.

I have to alert the school about what happened and make sure that they’re never in the bathroom alone.  My dilemma is the following:  should I tell the school the reason for my request, i.e. that it’s because this boy wants to perform oral sex on my son and my son’s too scared and/or immature to say no, or should I stay silent on the basis for my request?  It’s likely that this boy will retaliate against my son and he’s scared.  

Thanks for any advice.


You need to talk to the school about this to protect other children.  Good luck.


how old are the children?


I sent you a private message.


Film:  I agree completely.  Just don't want to hurt my son either.


Shh:  both boys are 11 yrs old.


I think you can do this in different stages - talk to the teacher(s) and ask that the two boys are not left alone in the bathroom together.  No need to give a reason.  I wonder if there have been other problems, since the teacher interrupted them.

If the school has a counselor, speak to her/him about what happened to your son.  I understand that your son fears retaliation, but saying nothing does not guarantee his safety.  Not only do I worry about other victims, I worry about this boy.  He may need the intervention of concerned and caring adults.   

This is a difficult situation.  Good luck.


So, 2 years ago, age 9, he was asking to compare penises, and now he's escalated to oral sex. If this is what he's doing at age 11, what happens at age 13? I agree with EBennett: talk with the counselor. This is a situation that shouldn't be allowed to continue -- or progress. Keep in mind, too, that your son is likely not the only would-be victim this inappropriate and worrisome behavior.


thank you unicorn.  Bennets suggestion of doing it in stages is perfect.  


My son sees a therapist on ocassion for anxiety.  Will be contacting her too.  Can't imagine how much this must be weighing on my son.  


You don't mention the other boy's parents. Their kid is in jeopardy for sex offender registry and possible legal consequences from bullying.


There are advantages and disadvantages for going through the school. Advantage - they will likely intervene. They will be on record, should this escalate.


Disadvantage - they may be required to forward this to the police as sexual harassment. I don't know if it reaches the crime level.




Please understand that this boy could be a victim of abuse. In many cases children do these things because they were done to them. I think the school definitely needs to be notified and they should also be reporting it in case he is being abused at home.


This could be relatively normal curiosity and experimentation. This happens at friends home, their home, camping, etc.  At school it puts teachers and staff in a role that would otherwise be parental.  

If you'd knocked on your son's door at home, what actions you'd take?  

Most important here is supporting your son. He spoke to you about this, and that's amazing and wonderful about your relationship. That he spoke to you suggests he is still dealing with this, by that I mean, what happened, not necessarily that it's ongoing, but it might be. So my primary suggestion it to keep the dialogue going with him -- find out he feels he needs... 

Are the boys friends outside of school? Could you speak with his parents?  


 


peteglider said:
This could be relatively normal curiosity and experimentation. This happens at friends home, their home, camping, etc. 
 

What?!?  Where were you camping at 14?

I'd talk to the kid's parents.  This is a kid issue more than a school issue.


Looking is normal, performing a sexual act - especially PRESSURING another kid into it - is not and needs to be addressed.


Yeah that behavior ain't normal. It seems like adult sexual criminals/predators often start out with stuff like this, at least based on the life stories that come out afterwards. IMO this kid is on the path to being a adult sex offender, just like an 11-yo who hurts animals is on the path to being a violent criminal.  


DannyArcher said:

I'd talk to the kid's parents.  This is a kid issue more than a school issue.

When I read the issue, the first thing that came to my mind was one of my friends in college. In her youth, her older brother had her perform oral sex on him. It turned out that their father had been having his son do that to him.  

My approach would be to talk to the school's social worker first. I would hope that the social worker would know how to approach this in a way that protects everyone.


I wouldn't talk to the parents even if you are a trained professional. This is the type of topic that might quickly escalate (on either side) and produce exactly the opposite result rather than hopefully leading to some sort of helpful intervention and, potentially, therapy.     



krnl said:

I wouldn't talk to the parents even if you are a trained professional. This is the type of topic that might quickly escalate (on either side) and produce exactly the opposite result rather than hopefully leading to some sort of helpful intervention and, potentially, therapy.     

Agree.

You don't know what kind, if any abuse, occurred in that house. You, bringing this up may worsen the situation.


Thank you everyone for your advice.  I agree that it's wonderful that my son talked to me about what happened albeit 5 months later.  It's clearly weighing on him and among the many things that a parent says to their child in a situation like this, I told him how proud I was that he told me.

I can understand that having these types of thoughts/feelings might be normal curiosity for some.  Especially, if you have an older sibling or relative who expresses them or leaves an internet site unattended, etc.  What I don't understand is actually acting them out particularly at such a young age with an unwilling participant no less.  That's concerning.  

Under different circumstances, I would have totally reached out to the parents.  I've done that more than once for bullying situations and in fact reached out to this mom recently after our boys had a fight.  She never returned my calls/texts.  I'm pretty sure she won't respond to my calls/texts now either.

I spoke to the teacher this morning and told her to keep the boys separate at all times, especially in the bathroom.  I then spoke to the school counselor who promised that he would not name my son when speaking to the mom, although the boy may know who told on him, unless my son's not the only one he interacted with in this way.  The counselor then contacted DYFS (sp?), which declined to investigate based on the facts presented.  DYFS also decided not to conduct a welfare check on either boy and simply referred us to a free agency that teaches parents how to talk to their children about these issues.  

I'm optimistic that the school is now on full alert regarding this boy and will monitor his interactions more closely.  I really hope this child gets whatever support/help he needs.



Separately, i'm a bit surprised that DYFS won't even conduct a welfare check on the boys...


Please also remember that both boys are 11, as we label one a “predator”.  Agree that you should let the school know.  I hope that the other boy gets some support and I hope all works out okay for your son.  Be glad that he openly shares his issues with you.  




ravenmad007 said:

Please understand that this boy could be a victim of abuse. In many cases children do these things because they were done to them. I think the school definitely needs to be notified and they should also be reporting it in case he is being abused at home.



I'd also suggest following up with a letter (and/or email) confirming your discussion with school personnel. These days, schools are very concerned about legal ramifications, and a paper trail reinforces the likelihood that this won't get swept under the rug.


On it unicorn!  Thanks!


bklyngirl - you got a lot done!  To echo what Woot wrote - I hope the other boy gets the help he needs.  Your son is very lucky, he has you looking out for him.

Best wishes - Elizabeth


Thank you Elizabeth!  The school's response was wonderful.  We were sensitive to the fact that this incident took place 5 months ago and that we're only hearing one side of the story, but nonetheless understood the gravity of the allegation and the importance of disclosing it to the appropriate parties asap.  The school and I will now be extra vigilant and I hope the other mom will be too.

Thanks again, everyone, for your advice.  


my favorite part of this concerns the refusal of defuse inintervene. Years ago, they made three visits to a friends house because the kid had flea bites.



Formerlyjerseyjack said:

my favorite part of this concerns the refusal of defuse inintervene. Years ago, they made three visits to a friends house because the kid had flea bites.

And the multiple follow up visits were AFTER the vet even confirmed to DYFS that aggressive treatment had been sought above and beyond a normal flea dip prior to the complaint AND that that year he had a LOT of clients with the same issue due to the mild winter combined with a wet spring.


The school and I were surprised too. 


bklyngirl, I pm'd you.



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